Sudden Suicidal Ideation

[CBatheart]

In the last few week I have been having these things I call "day mares" (like flashbacks that haven't actually happened) about suicide. Its causing me late night panic attacks. I have never done any physical self harm beyond intended over exhaustion and have no interest in it or suicide. I'm only 16. Not the kind of thing I need to be thinking about instead of exams but the more I involuntarily think about suicide and self harm the more it is "appealing". I told my step dad but no one thinks it is serious because I wouldn't commit suicide. But now I'm just wandering around feeling nothing and do not know what to do. Can anyone give me any advice on anything to do with this? I'm so lost :'(

 

[rightkindofme]

Oh man, 16? I'm so sorry.

For me the inside of my head is like standing in the center of a drive thru movie theatre where you can see six screens and on every screen is a vivid way for me to die. It is very distracting and hard to live with. It has been there most of my life.

It was harder to manage as a teenager. When you are a teenager you live with this overload of hormones that just sucks. I'm sorry. It is hard on everyone. It will end. I promise. Puberty is not forever. :)

I wish I had something magic to tell you to make it go away. I have nothing.

I live with it by being distracted. While I do a lot of my day to day chores I watch The West Wing (it streams on Netflix and I've watched the whole series seven times) because it is complex and mostly non violent and not much sex. I like thinking about why people do what they do. I read a lot. I listen to music with words as I do things and try to picture a story because then I am focusing on one non gruesome picture in my head. That works pretty well.

It is unendingly terrible to manage while sitting in school. Possible, but an they don't want you in control of your own head and that triggered me very badly.

You should find a therapist. Therapists are people who help you figure out how to live ore comfortably with the brain and body you have. Different therapists use very different approaches and some work for some people and not at all for others. You have to be picky about therapists because you are shopping for a service provider to help you hack your brain. Thereis no one right way tone. You need to find someone who will help you grow in whatever direction you want to grow.

I'm sorry it is so hard. I believe you.

 

[therapybankrupt]

@CBatheart You are not alone and usually people who suffer a trauma, experience the things you wrote about. I am one of those people. I once was where you are today and with therapy and medicine the experience is diffused.

I rarely go there anymore and if and when I do Its important to stop and thank my brain for the notification of a struggle within. Then address the underlying issues, resolve it and move on. It did not happen overnight and you have to have open mind to education, therapy, understanding and acceptance with your life situations. Patients are needed because it took time to get where you are today.

I used to think it was a way out for me to ruminate suicide and it would put off the pain I was suffering temporarily. I accepted I was self soothing in a abnormal way. It did not work! I suffered for six years with this affliction.

Seeking therapy to deal with why,what or who you need to escape from and learn some self soothing tools. It is the only way through the pain. In my opinion if you do not you will possibly continue to ruminate about suicide and the consequences will plague you with more intense thoughts happening more often. This is not living a healthy life.

Others can not know your state of mind or your inner truth. You are sixteen and young for dealing with this. You can use this to your advantage. Learn your vulnerabilities and understand how to build healthy boundaries now.

Trust your gut feeling and get in touch with everything about you. Build a healthy self esteem. Do not look to unprofessional outside yourself to know all the answers. Even with the pro's you need to speak up if something does not feel right. Ask the hard questions you have nothing to loose. When researching take what works for you. You can google any question on how to deal with emotions and get knowledge about the personality disordered people and how to deal with them. Knowledge and understanding are power.

I accept the fact that I did not learn all the things necessary to handle my trauma's. I had a whole lot of bad skills and values I built that were more harmful than helpful. Some very untrue or outdated to survive in todays society. Those who guided me did their best but were ill equipped to teach because of their own issues. Learn to listen to your soul you have a head start on me. I started learning at forty five years of age and have been at it for ten years. Take the time it takes. You will evolve,heal and grow if you invest in yourself.

Even though you probably would not follow through... If you should ever devise and prepare a suicide plan to follow through with call a suicide hotline or seek help immediately! The numbers are online and you do not have to give your name. Reach out! This is not something anyone can stop without help. It may be as simple as making a call to resolve the urge. I am wishing you quick healing on your journey to wellness.

tb

 

[rightkindofme]

.
You should find a therapist. Therapists are people who help you figure out how to live more comfortably with the brain and body you have. Different therapists use very different approaches and some work for some people and not at all for others. You have to be picky about therapists because you are shopping for a service provider to help you hack your brain. There is no one right way to be. You need to find someone who will help you grow in whatever direction you want to grow.

I'm really sorry for the typos. I composed on an ipad. I fixed them in this post. Err, I hope that is more clear.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have much useful advice, either. Would calling a crisis line help? I think your parents are in a bit of denial.

I live with it by being distracted. While I do a lot of my day to day chores I watch The West Wing (it streams on Netflix and I've watched the whole series seven times) because it is complex and mostly non violent and not much sex. I like thinking about why people do what they do. I read a lot. I listen to music with words as I do things and try to picture a story because then I am focusing on one non gruesome picture in my head. That works pretty well.

You do that too? I have a favorite seven season show that is constantly playing on DVDs. A conservative estimate is that I've seen them all over 100 times. I can't name the show as it would identify me to family (they laugh at me constantly watching it, but it is such a comfort!)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Do you have anything else go along with these thoughts? Depression?

I think your parents are in a bit of denial.

I agree with this. Thinking about suicide is not a small matter.

When I am depressed I will imagine committing suicide. I have no intention of actually doing it but I will think about it a lot. That is still a big deal becasue some day something might happen that pushes those ideas into actions and like you said, @CBatheart it does make it more appealing and more 'okay' in the mind of the person doing the ideation becasue it is causing you to desensitization from the consequences of committing suicide.

I would suggest seeing a therapist and if you have these thoughts again you may want to call a suicide prevention hotline.

Best wishes.

 

[Sasha]

CBatheart, I'm glad you are reaching out about this. That's an important move on your part. Sometimes when we keep it to ourselves in isolation, the thoughts can become severe. I agree with distracting yourself with other things. Also, if you are taking any meds, sometimes those can cause side effects. I would suggest talking to your family again about wanting to talk to a therapist. There may be some triggers or stressors in your life that may be spurring on some of this. Is there a counselor at school? Perhaps, your parents didn't understand you want to seek counseling. Try again, ok? In the mean time, be kind to yourself and know we're thinking about you.

 

[CBatheart]

@Ayesha "When I am depressed I will imagine committing suicide. I have no intention of actually doing it but I will think about it a lot." That is true I think that is what is happening to me. I really have no intention at all of committing suicide because I am terrified of dying and I love my family. I have been talking to a helpline and I'm just trying to understand what I'm feeling to go forward not backwards. I was showing a lot of signs for depression but never got diagnosed with it or anything. Its harder for me to pursue help because of my age because most need parental consent and like @Solara said my parents are probably in denial.

 

[GRANOLA]

When things are bad I think of ways of committing suicide. I also say I have no intention of doing it or that I have an actual plan.
Then why do we think these things? Do people without PTSD have these thoughts?

They ask you in the hospital, "Have you been thinking about suicide"? I say to myself, "Of course I do its part of the ptsd". They're probably going down their little protocol list, "hmmm ptsd, ptsd,... I can't remember what thats all about".
Back to the suicide thing, "Do you have a plan"? If I say yes, bing I'm off to the psyc. ward. Drugs, pjs, 3 Jesus and doctor who can google ptsd.

I'm getting wise though you say "Yes to the suicide thoughts, no plan on how to kill myself though". The nice nurse gives you adivan, tells you to see your gp and maybe you should talk to your T.

The problem is the hopitals, doctors and nurses, need to know more about ptsd. There should be a whole different set of protocols. People who have ptsd think of ending thier lives because they are tired of not getting the proper help, now! Waiting to see someone in 3 weeks doesn't cut it.

The system does not work! And yes more people will keep on dying from committing suicide until they some how fix the way they look at PTSD management.

 

[blackemerald1]

CBheart you mention "in the last few weeks...." So, this has come on rather suddenly right? I am wondering if anything happened recently that frightened you or you had some kind of incident that has happened?

You did the right thing telling your father and he did the wrong thing ignoring you. So, try again and be a lot more serious with your parents. Insist that you be taken to a doctor, I mean a General Practitioner. There are a number of illnesses that can manifest themselves as psychiatric when their origins are actually from a physical change or disorder. You need to have this checked out. Are there any free clinics that you can take yourself to get this sorted?

It is possible that something in your early childhood is causing this to happen also?. Something that your brain has locked away and with the arrival of hormones, exams or, some kind of differences in your lifestyle has kick-started you to now experience these symptoms? For this to be eliminated you really have to ask your parents or a trusted relative. Also, do you have a trusted relative you can sit down and discuss this recent turn of thought process? Someone who can keep in touch with you?

I am glad you are looking into the cause of this recent change, I understand what you say when you try and distract yourself and find yourself thinking about it all the more. I have many flashbacks and involuntary thoughts and they stress me so much, but I have diagnosed PTSD and I know the cause of my problems. This must be very distressing for you and all the more reason that you insist on seeing a doctor. If he is satisfied it is psychological he can then refer you to a therapist or psychiatrist to explore what might be going on.

Remember our brains are fair more complicated than we like to admit. I hope you get help soon and in the meantime utilize the services available to you that do not require parental authorization.

Good luck.

 

[CBatheart]

My head specialist at the hospital (who I was seeing due to chronic headaches which we now know are caused by stress) convinced my mum to take me to my doctor and she referred to a counsellor. It is helping and it isn't at the same time. I find that it is quite basic and don't take much out of it but that is partly my fault because I have issues opening up with my problems to people but I didn't have any flashbacks for about 14 days but went back to 0 a few days ago. But its a start. Mum also thinks that my anxiety will just go away when I complete my earthquake exam (did I mention that's why I'm here?).

 

[Jenfa]

I lived in daymares for the longest time. It's like.. whatever horrible situation that potentially could occur would play out, but in a morbid fascination sort of way. I'm starting to think it can be a way that people search for their identity, question their identity, explore it etc. The guidance counselor at my school wrote so many notes to my parents about my "scary stories" that we formed a quite charming repertoire. But I never actually wanted to do what I thought. I just wanted to write about it. At 16, I had no idea where my moral boundary was so I kept testing it with any social taboo I could think of to figure out if it was in my character or not. This is totally normal, in my opinion.

The headaches in conjunction with those other symptoms (if they are relatively new) is something to check out. Headaches can surely be stress, but if you feel like your personality is off I'd get something in-depth from neurologist.