Separation Anxiety

[maddog]

This is very humiliating, and painful, and shameful, to write about. I just have to say that upfront.

I have 0 prior lifetime experience of healthy human attachment, trust or any form of safe enduring interpersonal bond. I think I have formed something resembling this with my therapist over a period of several years. He is probably my "stable emotional base" and is very almost my only consistent social contact thesedays.

While our relationship is a little atypical on the surface, his boundaries are rock solid and he is beyond reproach in terms of professionalism. He is an excellent trauma therapist and we have done very very good work together. The below issues have in no way been reinforced by him and I don't believe he has done anything to cause or worsen them.

At times I struggle with separation anxiety when we part, or at various times between sessions. Not surprisingly, the more I am struggling emotionally, triggered or otherwise unwell, the worse this is.

Currently it is worse than it's ever been. The past few times I have seen him, I have literally suffered virtual panic attacks and complete emotional meltdown at the point of our parting.

Yesterday he dropped me home, partly because I was so unwell and not coping. I was trying to get out of the car and couldn't. I was crying uncontrollably, couldn't breathe, was shaking so much I couldn't hold onto the door handle and felt choked and gripped with pain and frozen fire all over my body. It went on forever.

This has happened a lot lately. I am in the process of losing an enormous part of the only security I have ever known in my life in circumstances which directly deal with a significant recent trauma in a very volatile way. There is also some faint threat to our ongoing relationship, though he assures me that he will find a way to manage this. Not surprisingly, I find it hard to internalise this reassurance and am deeply terrified of losing him. I am prone to significant abandonment issues and emotional flashbacks and I know that this separation issue is somehow tied up with all of that.

But it's terrible. it's terrifying, and humiliating, and out of control. It leaves me with waves of grief panic that last hours and leave me very unsafe and sometimes very suicidal in the end.

He knows this, though for obvious reasons it's something I'm not good at talking about. He is very perceptive, patient, stable and reassuring with me. He tries to create safe stable parting routines and to keep me moving and talking through this process where possible, but when it's bad, this isn't enough. When it's at its worst, he waits and doesn't pressure me until I can calm down a little, even when I know it makes him late and wastes his time.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I feel very very desperate and upset about this.

I guess I'm after... anything really. Experiences? Thoughts? Experiences of separation anxiety? With a therapist, or maybe just with anyone? Suggestions of things I could do, or maybe even that he could do. I suspect he is at a bit of a loss too, as I don't imagine most of his clients behave like this.

Sorry for the very frantic post.

Maddog

 

[HëllaBubz]

I have attached so strongly to my partner, that sometimes when he walks out the door it's like someone switched off the sun, and I go upstairs to cry myself to sleep.

It's not quite so bad now, but he and my brother are the only safe things in my world, and I've just lost my sister to my parents after estranging my father. I find having pets was my only saviour, it really helps to be able to bond with them because no matter how needy you are, they'll reciprocate.

It's so horrible because it's like you're a battery operated thing, and when they leave, they're the batteries that power you. It does get better over time, but you have to be willing to work super hard on allowing yourself to form bonds with other things around you, and eventually the missing block in your pyramid of needs will fill up, and you'll be able to move on.

Hold in there.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

When I've gotten too attached to a person, it is normally because I'm thinking that they're my chance at some type of normalcy. Maybe you're feeling like he's your one chance at healing. I'm willing to bet you could give yourself a bit more credit at the improvements your making and strength you have. And needing someone in your life who is helping you heal isn't a bad thing. He's giving you the support you've always needed but it's hard to only have that support for a certain number of times per week for so many minutes.

What I'm getting at, is that your sessions are filling a need that is valid. Also - you didn't mention following him home from work, so I don't see where you're violating any boundaries.

Try to take it easy on yourself. Try to find something to do after sessions that is rewarding, especially if a session contains a lot of emotion, so that it's not such a letdown afterwards to not have that support.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

 

[Abstract]

MD,

I think what you need to keep in mind is that you are not presently going through a normal experience. It is a little like various things have conspired to intertwine with each other in a way where I can only imagine the difficulties involved.

It seems to me that previous to this there was one stable part of your life that helped you gain self esteem and feel you have a place in the world for the first time. I am guessing that the recent airing of the related trauma, the constant connection to it, the connection to your t and his ongoing treatment added to the loss of your main means of feeling grounded and substantial are what is really underpinning this latest slide. Do you think that is possible? It would make sense that it would make your relationship with T much more intense as he is the only thing left and with him you feel a threat.

When I couldn't work for the first time for a period of time it was as if the world collapsed. So much had been invested in work for me. It eventually led to me developing my self and broadening my coping skills in a helpful way but it was very painful at the time. I imagine the problem for you is that things are being spoken of as permanent and it is still wrapped in so much that is difficult.

Permanent never has to be permanent.I truly believe that. If you can find a way to avoid thinking in those terms then I think it would be helpful. I truly believe that many doors can open up in the future that we may have no ability to see in the present. I know it is far from easy but my guess is that finding some small way you can feel productive in the present or the future would be a good thing. You don't have to believe in it at present. Hopefully the mental blocks you have with seeing forward won't stop this. It might help to also try to do as much work as possible on extracating your identity from what you are loosing. Not in the way of undermining what has been in the past but rather a building on that. Any little addition will add to stability. The things you gained do not vanish. The trauma is separate. Once you are away from the trauma and can process it then gains you made will be there.

I guess what I am saying is to look at all ways of building some stability in other areas to offset what you are loosing just a little.

Can you take an object with you to T that you can continue to hold onto when you leave?

I am sorry it is so very hard at present. You are dealing with something very difficult and I hope you can find some compassion for yourself.

 

[maddog]

Thank you for the responses, I know I can't do them justice right now.

Bubzilla, i'm sorry about your sister - the colateral loss associated with creating safe boundaries is nowhere more devastating than within the family. It's little wonder your remaining attachments are so intense for you.

The feeling of the sun having been turned off is very true. It also feels like a literal draining of oxygen or lifeblood, as though his leaving is turning off my life support machine and leaving me only with the screaming intolerable sounds of flatline. Sorry for the melodrama, but that's kind of how it feels.

I do know that extending my attachment base is necessary and would go some way to easing my overattachment, but at the moment I am finding it impossible to do this, both due to the fact that I have very little contact with anyone and very little capacity, emotionally, to change that right now.

I do have a dog, and animals are remarkably good at being the unconditional unchangeable presence of affection. T reminds me often that my dog is a lesson in mindfulness, and she is. Sometimes this helps after the worst of the distress has subsided, but not much at the height of it.

I think it is true that I do associate T with normalcy on some level, and it is in his presence that I feel most normal and able to behave as such. The feelings of internal safety and security that he generates in me sometimes feel as though they alter my entire personality and turn me from a frightened animal into a functional and even moderately articulate human being... sometimes. Feeling as though I lose that when we part is part of my anxiety and sense of loss. Further to the battery analogy, I feel as though I can't retain my "charge" alone, and when I'm not "plugged in to the power" I just go flat in an instant.

I know that all you say is true Abstract. I am trying, and T is encouraging, me to begin to seek meaning and structure and identity in new ways, but the emotional and logistical effort of introducing anything into my world right now feels as destabilising and detrimental as doing nothing about it. The double bind feels like a noose being slowly tightened around my neck.

A grounding object is a good idea, though I don't know what I'd use. It's not quite the same thing, but you reminded me that when we were sitting in the car at the end, we were both patting my dog. In some strange way, that felt like some sort of connection that endured a little after he'd gone. I don't know why. It's strange. I usually hate other people interacting with her, but I kind of like the fact that he does. It feels like some sort of connecting behaviour that matters in between times. I don't know how to explain that really...

It means a lot to me that you've all responded so far. I am really struggling, but so far it's felt ok, though very fragile, to share this, so thanks to those who have helped to make it that way.

Maddog

 

[HëllaBubz]

Maddog,

It sounds as though you have really healthy awareness, and are healing too! Awareness is, for me, a huge part of healing, because you can't work and fix what you don't understand.

Thank you for your empathy regarding my sister, for me it shows what an amazing person you are, to think of other's even when you're going through a horrible time yourself. Keep in mind though, you need to be an amazing person for yourself.

I use my dog for grounding all the time, but I really do understand what you mean about the connecting behaviour, when other people interact with my dog in a friendly way, it makes me relaxed because people always open up around animals.

It's perfectly normal and ok to feel like you are struggling, and to acknowledge it too, saying it out loud is really hard, sometimes as hard as the work you have to do in therapy sessions.

Take care of yourself.

xox

 

[Abstract]

the emotional and logistical effort of introducing anything into my world right now feels as destabilising and detrimental as doing nothing about it. The double bind feels like a noose being slowly tightened around my neck.

I wondered about that MD and I actually remembered that T had suggested something along those lines even though you didn't share detail and that it was overwhelming for you. I am really sorry if what I said just added to the despair. Not for me but for you. I understand how anything can backfire badly when we are very vulnerable. Especially when looking at the way out reminds you of what is devastating to you in the first place and then connects to trauma.

I know I can't walk in your shoes entirely but I truly do hear you that this change feels devastating beyond words to you.

I also hope I haven't said too much that you don't want to discuss on the general forum. Feel free to say if I have.

What you say about your dog makes perfect sense. Just an idea but please feel free to discard - what about a teddy or something similar that he can hold whilst in treatment and give back to you at the end? Anything you can carry with you that gives you continuity may be worth a shot. Fragrance even?

I am very glad you have your T. He always sounds wonderful to me and you should be proud that you have been able to build this relationship with him.

Take care.

 

[Rumors]

I find myself perplexed that my T knows quite a bit about me and seems to like me anyway. I do take great comfort in knowing that it seems as if there is no judgement and a genuine willingness to listen and accept unconditionally. I am not sure I have ever had this before. I don't know if it is attachment as you see it, however I have become quite fond of my experience.

I guess my point is that you shouldn't feel bad that you rely upon the one person who genuinely seems to care about your well being. I think it is normal when you are seeking comfort to attach to the one person who brings comfort and peace. One day, you will find that in yourself and Mr. Therapist will still be important and needed, but you won't feel like you can't be away from him. Perhaps you could make a list of the things that he does that make you feel safe and work on instilling those properties in yourself??? Probably a stupid idea but worth a try. If you can look in the mirror and find some peace within yourself, I think you have this licked! Best wishes!!!

 

[rightkindofme]

I have absolutely bonded that strongly with therapists when they were the *only* person in my life not causing me problems. It always feels kind of humiliating. I have to *pay* someone to be my friend. :( Then I get so scared that I will do something wrong or bad and I won't even be good enough to be a paid friend. It is horrible.

For me the way these phases end is they kind of slowly work their way through. I have to be patient with myself. I have to be ok with sometimes having these super intense drowning feelings. Every feeling passes. I just have to wait. The waiting can be really hard.

It's ok to be really attached to your therapist. Just don't start stalking and it's all good. :) (This is what I tell myself at least...)

 

[p-no]

Maddog, I'm sorry you're hurting and feeling confused.

Two things have come to mind when I read your initial and second post.

One is that you have found something, someone, that you can lose. I am by no means trying to cause you further worry, but would rather like to validate you in that your fear is a real fear and not some imagined horror. What I mean is that when we bond, we enter into a state of having something to lose. There was a time when I had nothing to lose, literally. Finding something that meant so much to me that it would scare me to lose it was terribly difficult and scary.

Another one is that it reminds me of what happens to me when not my adult parts (not talking DID) attach, but my inner child. I was severely neglected as a newborn until 6 months. Nothing I did (what babies do, scream, move, look) would make my mother act. After several months of living that way I would give up and just be non-existent. I have that still today. I have separation anxiety not when I am about to separate, but once they are gone. And then I can go into full panic mode. It has taken me years to find out that that feeling was really the acute horror of dying. My adult parts were able to recognize there was no reason to fear death, I was in my home, I had food, there was no violence, etc. But my inner child relived the experience from back then, I am certain. I don't want to go into detail more, I think you get the idea.

I think it can be difficult to make new experiences. Good/healthy experiences (your therapist not leaving you and doing what he can to solve that one problem) can hurt as much as can negative experiences. I have always found that e.g. having loving feelings for someone hurts more than hating someone. It seems to me this is a major step forward that feels awful in all ways possible.

My former therapists both have a way of giving the clients a gift at the end of their therapy sessions. In one case I got a little bird made from clay. When it broke years later, I cried and cried and couldn't fix it but kept it. In another case the therapist had a basket full of nice-looking stones that you could choose from. I still have it and use it at times. I was wondering if you could ask your therapist for something like that. I do hear you saying it's very difficult to talk this out. I am hoping you will find a way to, or write it out, so he can hear you and act in order to help you (if this "gift" idea is one that would or even could work).

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have very little contact with anyone and very little capacity, emotionally, to change that right now.

I was just telling my friend this. I have attachment issues. Big ones. I have gone through something similar to what you have written about. I was sure T was moving, even though he said he wasn't. I was desperate. I was beside myself with grief and anxiety. I ended up withdrawing because I couldn't take the imagined loss.

I still see him twice a week, but I keep myself from getting too attached by making up reasons to despise him. That's not the right way either, but otherwise, I don't know what to do. He had pneumonia last year, after I missed a week, and I ended up missing a month of therapy. I thought he was going to die. I was so afraid. I can't stand being attached. I can't. I'm attached to my son, and he's the only person I am attached to.

I also make myself numb when I go to see him. I pretend he is just a doctor that I am telling medical stuff to. Its funny because I am making huge strides in therapy, so it is working for me. I know that making myself numb is how I handle the real world, so maybe it is a comfortable place for me. I cry in therapy, and go through stuff, but I keep myself clinically numb towards him.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Bubzilla pretty much described my experience of it.

Hang in there MD!