You've Lost That Loving Feeling

[Jenfa]

I've been with my therapist for a while now, say.. 11 years. She's a stellar person, and I consider her a friend. The back story is that the clinic where I met her and began sessions basically closed and didn't alert any of the patients to get new therapists and psychiatrists. So, we were left in the dust. My T felt really bad, so she started coming to my house for home visits. I love that because I get to serve cookies. Everyone loves cookies.

Okay, with that being said, I guess we've gotten too.. comfortable? with each other? I'm not sure but I get the feeling that because I've been doing fairly well, that she doesn't see too much of a need to work on things as much as we used to. I mean, I love the woman dearly. We know each other so well that we can finish each other's thoughts. I'd hate to leave that relationship for some stiff that wants me to go over all the same crap that took me 11 years to unload on this one. Knamean? It's like we're so comfortable that I'm afraid to revisit something that I feel like we've talked to death about because I don't want her to look at me like I'm just bored and need to drudge up old shit. Believe me, I hate old shit. I hate new shit. I hate shit. But I'm not one to sit around and think about it much because the past tells me that doesn't work. I guess I'm just really afraid of leaving my care up to my meds to handle. I know meds alone can't do it.

How does someone go about rekindling something like that? I don't want to lose her. She's been an excellent advocate for not only myself, but my son as well. I don't want her to think I'm going backwards, but I don't want to stand still either, with a mouthful of cookies.

 

[Hashi]

Until I read your last paragraph, I was thinking you already know the answer and just want someone to say it to you - it sounds like you need to find a different therapist.

Then I read your last few sentences and was really taken aback. Now I'm thinking you might not want someone to say it to you, but it really needs to be said. It sounds like you need to find a different therapist. Seriously.

11 years is a really long time to see the same therapist. However helpful it has been in the past, I can't see how things can still move forward with that person after all that time. Which it sounds like it isn't. And a therapy relationship that now revolves around cookies in your home and feels like a friendship is a BIG RED FLAG. Sorry to shout that, but it seems like you don't see it.

I'm concerned about whether she's even acting ethically. Therapy ethics include maintaining a professional distance, not getting involved with the client personally and always acting in the client's best interests. Acting in your best interests means if seeing her is no longer benefitting you therapeutically she should be identifying that and discussing it with you, not letting things coast. Another big red flag.

You're talking very lightly about the cookies and not wanting to dredge up the same old stuff with a new person, but obviously this isn't that light and it isn't easy. It's clear you're aware of the need to do some real work and how hard that is. I'm afraid there isn't any way around how hard. It feels like you're wanting to do the work but are trying to find a way to still be in your comfort zone, by staying with your current therapist while you do it.

It doesn't work that way. You've said it yourself - you've talked through things to death with your current therapist. There's little point in doing all that again... with her. You need to talk with someone else. You need a new therapist who is going to both challenge you more and be there with you through that challenge - as a therapist, not as a friend.

I think you need to re-evaluate what you want from therapy then go and find it with someone else. I don't think that means going to see some stiff, it means going to see someone you can build a therapy relationship with and do some more therapy.

 

[franciemarnie]

Could you say to her what you've said so beautifully here? She has to be aware of the time elapsed and that the nature of your sessions has changed. What's she thinking is what I'm wondering.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hashi has said it better than I could. I wanted to reply to your thread earlier, but really didn't know how to word it right.

The warning signs to me is that after 11 years of therapy, you continue to feel that you need therapy, and presumably therefore have unresolved issues. That is worrying. 11 years is a heck of a long time, and that suggests that the therapy you have been receiving isn't working. Maybe it did to begin with, but unless you continue to lead a very traumatic life, therapy shouldn't need to continue forever.

she doesn't see too much of a need to work on things as much as we used to

I suppose you need to look hard at your life and decide if you still feel you have unresolved issues, and if you still feel you need therapy. And if you do, whether this lady is the right person to help you.

I definitely think your 'friendship' has got in the way of this relationship being therapeutic. If you feel you know each other well enough to finish each others sentences, then something has gone very wrong along the way. In her role as therapist, she should not have let this friendship get this far. Your therapist has let you down by allowing you to become her friend.

If you feel that you need therapy, then you will need to find someone else. Your current therapist /friend has allowed all the lines to become blurred, and I don't think that a therapeutic relationship is retrievable.

 

[Jenfa]

You know, I never even considered it a possibility that there would come a time where I didn't need therapy. The concept is mind-blowing to me because I've been in it since I was 15. But yes, I know. She needs to go. Looking at it from this way, maybe that's why I feel like I've been getting the "this is dead" vibe from her. The part that's scary to me that I just realized is that she's someone I can't bullshit. Maybe I'm not trusting myself to not bullshit someone else because it's easier. ..Wow. That was like a ton of bricks to the face, but it's true. Thank you so much guys. I think I know exactly what to do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

All the previous replies have said everything I wanted to say, and more. I want to back up their sentiments.

Therapists should never be friends. It violates a lot of boundaries and isn't in the best interests of the client. What makes her a good friend also makes her an ineffective therapist.

It's time for a new therapist.

 

[Laurajayne27]

In my experience and this may not be yours at all but thought I would share: when I became so comfortable with my therapist that u began masking or avoiding issues it was a sure sign to me that I was afraid of judgement because our boundaries became blurred and we were more like friends.

I found it extremely painful to start with another therapist but have done some amazing work in the last 6 months mainly because of all the hard work that built my foundations with my therapist I became to comfortable with. Only you know wha feels right for you.

 

[Abstract]

Her conduct is very likely bordering on unethical. It seems she gave into a rescue fantasy and has crossed the line a long time ago. I wonder how much of this is about her needs rather than yours. It doesn't even seem that she has pushed you to progress or end therapy with her. I wonder if she would ever end it left to her own devices.

Normally I would say have an honest conversation first but I think the time for that has long gone.

 

[Dissociation]

Maybe you need a new therapist and keep her as a friend.