General Partner Treating Me Bad... To What Extent Can Ptsd Be His ''excuse''?

[DeedeeRSM]

Hi Everyone..

After a long search I have found this forum tonight, and I'm really hoping to get some insight from you guys, because I think I might be losing my mind.

I'm torn apart by feelings of guilt on the one hand, and feelings of anger on the other.

My boyfriend of 3 years has PTSD from things he has seen in his past, for his privacy, I won't tell the details. I can tell you that his PTSD is bad, he cannot sleep in his own home. He wakes up every hour from terrible night terrors. At my place, he can sleep. It's the only place he can sleep.

I have known about his PTSD for a year now, since he kept his past, and his condition a secret from the in the first 2 years of our relationship (we've been together 3 years now).

When I found out about the PTSD, I immediately helped him to get a psychiatrist, because he himself, didn't get further than his psychologist, who he told NOTHING about the PTSD, so naturally, the therapy didnt help him at all. I did research and explained to him that what he has was PTSD and he couldn't get better by himself, he needed help. Because he also has trust issues, he went back and forth, lying to me about going to the appointments with his psyciatrist when he didn't, etcetera. I didnt get angry with this, because I understood he also has trust issues. I am the only person so far, he has ever talked to about what happened to cause his PTSD. ATM he is going to another psychiatrist and is slowly getting there to open up about his PTSD, he still hasn't, and he doesn't want me to help him by going with. I admire that he wants to do it on his own. He also wants to procastinate talking about it, because it gives him these immense headaches :(. He is completely ruined and tired and messed up after each session. He's now on anti depressants and another medicine that reduces fear and calms him down. I have to say that he is also suffering from multiple personality disorder, and has a couple of contradicting personalities in his 1 head. He's also addicted to masturbation, and just anything that will take his overflowing adrenaline away :(. PTSD causes too much adrenaline and in exhausting himself, he finds some form of comfort.

So, this was a little background on my boyfriend.

The things is, he treats me bad people. He always has, and still does even after I found out the PTSD and started helping him with therapy and all. He starts fights with me over NOTHING, or over something that has happened months ago. In the first 2 years, he has cheated on me numerous times. He was secretive over his phone, had a lot of females around him he called friends and dumped me whenever something didnt go as he wanted it to go. He started treating me better after I found out about the PTSD and his past, but is stil taking everything out ON ME. I have so many examples, but I will give you the example of last night... so you have a picture of how things are. And before I knew about the PTSD, he treated me even worse. He always complains to me about how bad PTSD is affecting his life, but he has been able to go out on dates with other women and do a lot of fun stuff with his friends when dumping me once again..its so contradicting. That's why I feel like he's using it against me as an excuse.

We were supposed to go out to dinner and a movie in the evening, he asked me if we could stay in and eat at home, because he was tired and he wanted to watch a football game later on as well...

Me, trying to be tolerant, I said, okay honey, lets eat from 6 till 8, then you go watch your game (it starts at 8, he wanted to watch it at his friends')

We start cooking, and all of a sudden he is reminded to something that happened 5 months ago: He had bought 6 cans of soda, and when he wasnt at my place for a week, I had drank them all, when he came to my place again a week later, he got VERY upset with me for finishing them without replacing them, and saying I'm egoistic because I didn't leave any soda for him...so I promised him then, I will tell him in the future when something is finished. Case Closed. Until yesterday, when we're cooking...

I made some juice in the morning and he said he'd drink it in the evening because he had to leave. So I drank it and I thought, I will make him fresh juice when he comes back tonight. So when we were cooking he asked for the juice, I said, I'll make you some now, cause I drank it, I wanted it to be fresh for you, and he got VERY VERY upset. He started yelling at me and cursing because Im only thinking of myself, and I should leave somethings thats HIS for HIM, and otherwise I should just shut up and make the juice,, and its all like the same thing months ago blablabla..he just went on and on and on....I just stood and cried, as I try not to engage in his provocations

Anyway, he cools down, comes to me for make up sex, its a quicky, he comes and we're done. Then after dinner, he goes to bed to take a nap, I start studying, as I have exams next week. He wakes up, does the dinner dishes comes back and we start watching a tv shw together. Then he wants a BJ. I give him one, I like to pleasure him, I know it eases his mind. When Im done, I ask him for a return favor. He says, no, I'm still bothered by the cans of soda, by the fact that you're only thinking of yourself. And I even did the dishes and I do groceries for you, you don't do anything for me. So I just now realised that I'm not wanting to pleasure you , because unconsciously, I'm punishing you.

So I say...okay, so now it's consciously, you do it on purpose, so you can change your behaviour of getting back at me in this childish way :S right?

He says no...because you still dont understand how selfish you are. He turns around, and goes to sleep.
I snapped....I snapped so bad, I told him to go away, to go to home. And take the groceries he did for me with him, since he's always complaining about the groceries he does for me.

I really dont know what to do anymore, I feel so so guilty for snapping at him, but on the other hand he does as he pleases, literally blames me for everything, has a zero tolerance policy towards me, AND snaps at me whenever something bothers him....

Please people..help me, I love him, and I feel bad about his condition, but I just MUST figure out whether his behaviour is really coming from the PTSD, or is he just like this, himself.

I'm just torn...

 

[CrazyHorse]

Please people..help me, I love him, and I feel bad about his condition, but I just MUST figure out whether his behaviour is really coming from the PTSD, or is he just like this, himself.

It is not! I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is the most honest answer I can give you.

 

[Abstract]

How about looking at it like this - it is not OK for you to be treated like this no matter why or what. Why let yourself be treated like this? You are a human being and deserve respect and kindness. By accepting this you are essentially saying that it is OK to treat you like this.

A lot of the anger and cruelty underlying his actions may be fuelled by his past but that doesn't mean you should OK his treating you like this. In fact you supporting him in his present way of being in general may be propping him up so that he is not desperate enough to ask his treatment providers for help properly.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

He says he's suicidal...and me stressing him out makes him even more..

So then I feel guilty, but then..I realize, that what I'm asking from him, or what I ''stress'' him about, aren't unusual things.

 

[Abstract]

You can't make someone suicidal by asking to be treated like a human being. He may not see it that way at present but it doesn't mean he is right. I think he has drawn you into his world so completely it is hard for you to see outside it. He is displacing his emotions onto you and its possible he doesnt even realise it.

You can't stop him from suicide sadly nor can you stop him from hurting. You can however stop him from hurting you.

I know that may sound harsh but I don't mean it in that way. I hope he gets the right treatment and starts using it better. If he threatens suicide then it is time to call the police and his psychiatrist.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I do see outside it...I just can't really make a distinction between, what I should accept as for his condition, and what I really cannot accept..I'm very empathatic and it breaks my heart to know what he has seen, it makes me feel so guilty that I almost am like: he's been through this and that...its normal he cant behave normal towards me..but the thing is, more and more I'm starting to see evil in it. As if he's using his PTSD as an excuse...and then I feel guilty again for thinking like this. oh gosh Im really messed up.

But then of course, I know that the things he put me through, have NOTHING to do with PTSD, simply his choices and his lack of empathy. He always says: When im better, you will see how I will treat you like you deserve to be treated. This makes me believe even more hes not doing it on purpose..or am I being really naive now..He often says that if I should just put up with his behaviours (he know he misbehaves and has no tolerance towards me whatsoever) because he doesnt see his behaviours as wrong now, he doesnt do it on purpose, because of his mental problems atm, and I should be there for him and support him until he gets better. Thats how he puts it.

 

[Abstract]

I'm very empathatic and it breaks my heart to know what he has seen, ..its normal he cant behave normal towards me

This is what has resulted in me getting into so many nasty situations.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I'm so sorry for you...similar things?

 

[OrangeJulius]

Before I share more of my thoughts about this...I'm curious... You said that for 2 years before you knew he has PTSD and before he trusted you with his secret, he treated you worse than he does now. At that point in time he wasn't blaming the PTSD. So why did you stay with him through his bad behavior and cheating?

A lot of people come on here asking "Is this PTSD or just him?" because they want to be sensitive to things that aren't their partner's fault. At the end of the day, you need to be happy too. PTSD or no PTSD if a relationship isn't doing more good for you than bad its time to start thinking about changing something. More than anything this sounds like an abusive situation to me. He makes you feel guilty and bad about things unnecessarily. PTSD or no PTSD you need someone who appreciates fresh juice and gives a good thank you for a blow job.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I didn't....After a year of dating, I found out he had cheated on me, and I left him and ignored him for 3 months, in the end he won me over with promises that thing would change and he was very sorry for what he did, he explained his own reasons, and we decided to start over.

Then a year later, so when we were together for 2 years, I was so fed up with all his behaviour towards me that I left and started dating somebody else. When he found out about this he did everything in his might to win me back and again with the promises...and it worked again. This is when we had very deep conversations about his PTSD, this is when I found out. It came to surface because he was having a very hard time accepting that I had been with another man, as in his mind I was, and always had been ''his woman''.

Of course, after I found about his mental condition I totally softened because I felt so bad for him and I thought that as his woman, I had to help him get through, so that we could be married and live a happy life afterwards. That was ltierally what was going through my mind.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Awww. Ok. That makes more sense. And I should tell you that I'm TOTALLY one of those people that came on here to ask "Is this PTSD or is he an a-hole?" This https://www.myptsd.com/threads/not-everything-is-ptsd.33900/ thread helped me a lot.

What I've learned on the forum is that you can't accept things from your partner that you wouldn't accept from a partner that didn't have PTSD. Yes obviously a relationship is going to look different because there is PTSD involved but you have to work through it TOGETHER. Your needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as his are.

When I finally accepted that it wasn't PTSD he was just an a-hole I broke up with him. He did the begging-for-me back song and dance and completely changed. We more openly acknowledge the elephant in the room and when his PTSD habits don't work for me we find a compromise. For example, he would ignore my texts and calls when he would go into withdrawal. I was not ok with that. Now, he has to acknowledge that I exist even when he's withdrawing and tell me what's up with him. Aka a "I don't want to talk right now" text back. He doesn't have to talk to me and has the opportunity to isolate and I'm not ignored.

If your relationship isn't in a place that you can create those boundaries then you're selling yourself short. And like I said, this is all the wisdom I've recently gained from the awesome members here. Click around and read the other stories. See how they compare. What do you think when you read them? See how members responded. The reread yours from the eyes of a member. What do you think you'd tell yourself?

 

[p-no]

I just can't really make a distinction between, what I should accept as for his condition, and what I really cannot accept.

This tells me that you do not see the outside. What you really cannot accept is what you really should not accept. The cause for the abuse of you is irrelevant! It's the abuse of you that matters.

I'm very empathatic and it breaks my heart to know what he has seen, it makes me feel so guilty that I almost am like: he's been through this and that...its normal he cant behave normal towards me..but the thing is, more and more I'm starting to see evil in it. As if he's using his PTSD as an excuse...and then I feel guilty again for thinking like this.

This tells me you have a risk of ending up in codependency, and I do think you've got a foot in the door already.

But then of course, I know that the things he put me through, have NOTHING to do with PTSD, simply his choices and his lack of empathy.

I'd suggest to reread your own posts and focus on the fact that you really mean what you yourself have written. You wrote this. You do know already now.

Reread your own posts. And then step outside of you (or try to) and pretend it were your best friend telling you this. What would you tell her?

he doesnt see his behaviours as wrong now

This is possible to be true, at least for people who have suffered childhood abuse. That way, you can grow up learning abusive behaviour as your own normal, because everyone around you behaves like that, you will think it's normal and everyone is like that. Then you need to unlearn the abusive behaviour and learn normal (non-abusive and kind, loving, considerate, empathetic, compassionate, etc.) behaviour. It is also possible, in my opinion, to be so mentally challenged at a certain time that you can not be in control of yourself and your actions (including words). However, if that is the case, what really always applies, applies even more: You and your safety go FIRST.


Having said all that, it has taken me a long time to learn that doormat me can get up and leave and should. I'm not perfect yet, either, but there is a "yet" in this very sentence now, and I have become a million times better. Wishing the same for you, sincerely.