Delay In Processing Emotions?

[Abstract]

Feeling a little confused and am going to have to give this all some thought.

For me I have always thought of emotional numbing as a state I go into that stops emotions in that period of time. A general state of being numb that often lasts a long time.

I guess I have thought of the delay/after shock affect as slightly different. Both in how I experience it and what it relates to. I may be wrong and willl have to rethink.

The delay in processing emotions for me is when I do eventually feel those feelings and they tend to come back suddenly, abruptly, very intensely and sometimes a long time after. It also seems to me that they can accummulate.

With general emotional numbing I haven't felt like that. It has felt more like my body and emotions being aneasthetised and then the anesthetic wearing off. A bit like a foot coming back to life after being "asleep". The enotional numbing is also more common.

Lots to think about. But I am open to input. Does not ever being able to identify emotions come into it for anyone?

 

[EverOnly358]

And several of you mentioned having to be in a "friendly environment" in order to sort things out, which I completely agree with!! I just feel like sometimes that would mean I would have to stay hermetically sealed in my apartment for days on end in order to sort out each and every thing, a luxury that I don't have. So what's a girl to do? (No, really. I welcome your thoughts here.)

I think maybe you're being a little hard on yourself (maybe that's me projecting... I'm always too hard on myself). But give yourself time. I'm guessing progress will be slow at first, but then, perhaps it will get better and faster over time. At least I hope that's true, because I'm in much the same boat. I spent so long being completely out of touch with my emotions, my wants, my needs that it's all terribly confusing now. It's incredibly hard to figure out what I'm feeling and why and what I want to do based on those feelings.

Practical advice... maybe set aside a time of day to be in a friendly safe environment and let yourself dwell on your emotions and feelings. It doesn't have to be for long. Then try to give yourself a reward afterwards... I don't know what this might be... but perhaps you can set aside a half hour or an hour most evenings, sit with your feelings in a relaxed safe way, then have tea or hot chocolate or whatever. Over time, knowing you have that safe time to process your feelings... maybe that will help. (I'm no expert though. I only know that if I'm at all stressed, I cannot figure out what I'm really feeling. And I don't like knowing that so many feelings are stacking up waiting to be addressed. I'm thinking this might be something I could do to help myself, and I thought I would mention it here, on the off chance it may help.)

I feel like I'm waiting for it to roll away or something so I can digest the next one, but that seems to be stalling, too. Now I'm scared that they will build up again and that I'll become overwhelmed and withdraw from the world.

I found this quote from OneBraveGirl back in 2010...

Remember that PTSD is because of injury and dissociation is part of your brain's way of asking for attention to the wounds. Working with and not against the symptoms will help you progress. The quickest way out of quicksand is to float. You can't hurry. If you are stuck in the muck, the muck is in charge not you. Respect the muck.

I've come to realize that sometimes I have to be stuck in the muck. I have to respect the fact that I'm not ready and that struggling and fighting and forcing are not going to help. So, I try to take care of myself, be calm, be grounded and just be. Let myself be and then see what happens. And being calmer helps me, because it's the opposite of my abuse, the opposite of my reasons for dissociating and turning off my emotions. So... I'm learning to respect the muck.

I really hope this helps, honestly, I'm no expert, I just struggle with all this stuff, too. I'm worried about progress and how long everything will take. And yeah, right now, brownies are calling my name. It's hard to just sit with all the feelings without trying to do something, anything to feel better.

Hang in there and be well,
D

 

[EverOnly358]

Does not ever being able to identify emotions come into it for anyone?

I definitely struggle with not being able to identify emotions. I also struggle with knowing I feel one way, but intellectually I know I should be feeling something totally different. Like if someone hurts my feelings... I start listing all the reasons why that's okay, why it's acceptable for that person to have done that. Just like I find my abuse all so acceptable. Obviously, it shouldn't be okay for someone to be rude and hurt my feelings without me getting at least a little upset and obviously, the childhood abuse I went through wasn't okay and acceptable. But... well, my feelings haven't caught up with my intellect yet. I dunno. It all troubles me.

Another problem I have is that when I start crying... I dissociate as well. Because when I cried as a child, the abuse got worse. I just think it's going to take me a long time to get past the ways I was conditioned to react as a child. Those ways were protective for me then... but they're not helpful for me now. Now I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. I need to process things. But switching to a totally new way of responding... that's gonna take time.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Guess I'm kind of late, but I know what you mean, Bell. People think I'm calm and cool for the most part but then once the situation is a little in the rear-view mirror, I start stewing, or get sad, or whatever the emotion that should have occurred 2 hours earlier was.

For me, it's the equivalent of a mental "shock". While something is going on, I just power through it and do what needs to be done - pure logic. Later on, the emotions make an entrance.

 

[bell]

It also seems to me that they can accummulate.

True, @Abstract, I think they do as well. And this very fact is the bane of my existence.

Thanks for your saying I'm too hard on myself, @D123 and for the quote from @onebravegirl, which is so amazing! I never thought of it being something that was trying to "help" me, not just confuse me further! And I like the idea of setting some time away each time to process things in a safe environment... good idea!

I definitely struggle with not being able to identify emotions. I also struggle with knowing I feel one way, but intellectually I know I should be feeling something totally different.

Yeah, I'm the same way. It's almost as if my intellectual side goes into overdrive trying to overcompensate for my not-so-awesome emotional side!

Later on, the emotions make an entrance.

Yup, @TwoDee2ThreeDee, I recognize that, sorry you have to deal with it, too. If only we can shorten the time between what caused the emotions and the emotions themselves! Grrr!

Edited to add: Each morning I try and write a few pages in my journal to suss out what I'm feeling. This morning, as I went to write right after I posted this post, I was thinking about emotional processing. This is part of what I wrote:

"Too many emotions to process... they hit and I don't know where they're coming from... I don't know why they've decided to spring now, I just know that I feel anxious and sad and need to distract myself at all costs, which I know is a maladaptive coping mechanism. I don't fear I'm going to go crazy anymore, but I do feel like I'm going to crumble.

I'm just sitting here and holding emotions at bay and I don't know why. There's an energy there that I fear/feel is going to wipe me out like a tidal wave. I'm trying to breathe through throughout, but can feel it wanting to burst through my chest and throat, and behind my eyes. I'm too busy to let it come forth, and too scared to take its weight and wish it would hit in tiny ripples, instead of a tsunami."

Thankfully I have a T appt this morning, so I can share this with her, in that I feel like I'm going to crumble under the weight. And I feel so stupid, because I've let them (the emotions) all accumulate because I don't know to process them, and I know it's keeping me from being healthier. And I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to give up and let them hit me, but I'm too busy. Anyone else feel this way?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Yeah, I definitely feel that way. And the 'right' time to let your emotions hit has not yet come for me. I once cried in my fathers arms for over 2 hours because I had bottled up all emotion for years. And that was many years before my trauma. I'm still waiting for a chance to get someone to hold me while all the emotion pours out of me, who will stroke my hair and tell me it's all gonna be okay.

Until then, there's therapy, which is a good thing too. Talking about this with your T can help you to let out just a little bit of the tsunami at the time, in a controlled way and a friendly environment. Find someone who can comfort you afterwards and take good care of yourself, because it's extremely tiring when that happens.

I know I will bring it up on my next appointment. How did yours go today?

 

[bell]

I'm still waiting for a chance to get someone to hold me while all the emotion pours out of me, who will stroke my hair and tell me it's all gonna be okay.

Sadly, that's kind of my dream. Um, especially if a) that person wants to be there and b) wants to be there for the long term. Gah, that seems so far away from where I am now, though.

Yesterday after my appt I was having *really, really* bad thoughts and realized that I was having them not because I wanted to act on them (i.e., jump in front of a train), but because I felt totally helpless and hopeless about everything. And hate that SI may now be something that allows me to see where I am in emotion processing! I.e., it's not there as a reality, but to show me that I'm not processing things correctly. Is that possible? I hate it so much!

Then, not two seconds after the thought flashed in my head, this guy tried several times to get my attention by waving. I'm not sure what kind of developmental challenge he had exactly, but it was something. When I finally looked up, he smiled, waved again and said, "have a good day." I almost broke down in tears right there.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on the side edge of a coin. One side of the coin is all things negative, the other, all things positive. As I continue to heal, I can now clearly see those two distinctions, see how it's a choice to be one or the other, that one is devoid of all things good, the other nothing but, and I'm teetering towards falling towards the "good" side, but scared that when I do I'll be so overwhelmed with goodness that I'll never stop crying. My therapist said it was good that I can envision both sides of the coin and the side itself, as it means I'm seeing life for all that it is, instead of living in my numb little bubble.

So, I guess therapy stirred some crap up, and hopefully pushes me further towards the "good" side of the coin and not staying still on the side of the coin, which is numbness. Cor blimey, this was longer than I intended. Thanks for reading, still struggling with ye olde emotional processing...

 

[bell]

Thanks again for all your helpful responses. Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but moving forward to my next projects.

 

[eav]

Yesterday after my appt I was having *really, really* bad thoughts and realized that I was having them not because I wanted to act on them (i.e., jump in front of a train), but because I felt totally helpless and hopeless about everything.

I feel this way a lot after therapy, thought there was something wrong with me. I think you are exactly right, thank you for saying this.

 

[bell]

Nope, @eav, there is nothing wrong with you... the feeling sucks, though, huh? It just makes me feel so effin' useless, really.

 

[Rumors]

Lots to think about. But I am open to input. Does not ever being able to identify emotions come into it for anyone?

I can't identify emotions at times. It usually is in terms of relationships. Black and white areas such as, my son fell off his bike and is hurt, are easier. Understanding why someone hurt me or how it affects me, not so much. Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I hurt? I dunno. Being able to feel comfortable in expressing those emotions if I could identify with them, absolutely not!

 

[EverOnly358]

Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I hurt? I dunno.

Oh, me, too! And the worst part is, if I try to explain to the other person how I'm feeling, that's the moment the emotions decide to overwhelm me, and then I find it impossible to actually explain what the problem is. It is SO frustrating. So I end up saying nothing and harboring resentments, which doesn't work either.

Can I just say this? I hope I don't offend anyone... but PTSD SUCKS!