Neediness

[Meadowsweet]

As my life is, I have one friend who I talk to online only, and I am in therapy. I stave off feelings of neediness because they make me feel stupid, immature and to express them is inappropriate for someone in their forties.

I work hard and don't show neediness on the outside, if anything I can appear too independent and a bit offish on the outside.

But sometimes, those feelings of neediness overwhelm me. And I don't know what to do with them. I look for practical solutions to problems, and there is no practical answer to these feelings. I get the urge to contact people from the past and explain what has happened, in the hope that they might meet those needs - that is me looking for something practical to stop them.

But I realise that is likely to go very wrong. So now I just feel stuck.

What do you do when feelings are there, that have no answers to them?

 

[digger]

I don't know what to say I'm afraid, except that I get it.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Maybe it's best to think it over for awhile and say what really come to your heart.

 

[digger]

Ok, coming back with hopefully a slightly more substantial reply.

Something happens this morning for me that resulted in me feeling like I was being needy, and I think the conclusion I'm coming too is that I need to take a step back and try and look objectively at whether other people, especially the person on the receiving end of it, would perceive it as neeediness.

I don't like to be seen as anything other than independent and resilient, so I guess having needs of others makes me feel vulnerable in some way. Also there are people in my life who are very needy of me at times and I resent them for it. On the other hand, I do not resent people having needs and asking for help with them or reaching out to me for support. There is a difference and I think I need to work out what my own behaviour is - is it needy or is it just having needs that I need to find a way to meet, sometimes with help from others.

Don't know if that is helpful at all. I'm still trying to find my own way with it at the moment too.

 

[arfie]

I let it be okay that I have needs. I believe that being taught that needs make me selfish and abhorrent is part of my PTSD blockage. I find them to be much simpler as a fact of life. A system alert and nothing more. A simple chore to be tended. I do what I can and let the rest go.

The needs I habitually denied for decades are the ones that are hardest to simplify, but I take those in small bites and long chews.

Hope you find yours, meadow.

 

[digger]

Oh and one other thing which occurred to me about the confusion between having needs and being needy. I don't know if this applies for you, but I wonder if perhaps having needs dismissed or unmet as children leads to thinking that you shouldn't have needs as an adult?

 

[DMerish]

Hi Meadowsweet,

I think I know what you're talking about, but not entirely sure . . .

Due to events, dealing with PTSD symptoms, general health matters, living a far distance from siblings, the need to earn a living, and letting go of "friends" with whom I had co-dependent relationships, I essentially don't have any friends at the moment. And I don't have a spouse or significant other. It's been this way for a couple of years. The last year has been particularly void of friends and social activities.

I've likened this period of my life as 'being in the dessert' - a place that's dry and desolate where life seems absent. Yet beauty can be found in the desert if I look for it. I'm trying to find the beauty by engaging in activities I like - spending time in nature, going to art galleries and museums, developing some of my talents, etc. and hope that by doing so connections can be made and real friendships formed.

I've put other people's needs above my own for so long, and prefer to uphold the image of someone who is strong and resilient, that making the switch to having friendships based on mutual interests, openness, and inter-dependency (rather than co-dependency) is a bit tricky. I'm sorry I don't have a solid answer to your question . . . I'm in learning mode myself about all of this.

(((hugs)))
Drew

 

[Meadowsweet]

Maybe it's best to think it over for awhile and say what really come to your heart.

Thank you for all the replies. The problem with this neediness is its childishness. From the heart, I want someone to pick me up, cuddle me up in a blanket and tell me they're going to sort it all out for me. I wouldn't even mind if I was told I'd been stupid, I just want someone with me.

I feel very much like a child (which I know is inappropriate), and I feel very alone.

I have an exercise where my adult self writes to the child to help her. So I think I might let the child have a voice, and write back later.

 

[DMerish]

From the heart, I want someone to pick me up, cuddle me up in a blanket and tell me they're going to sort it all out for me.

:rolleyes: I think I'd love, love, love someone to do that for me!

 

[digger]

From the heart, I want someone to pick me up, cuddle me up in a blanket and tell me they're going to sort it all out for me.

Oh! I don't think there's a person here who wouldn't want that. Myself included x

 

[Jane.l]

You are not being childish you are being human. We are social animals and are wired to need company, love and understanding. It's really totally normal. The trouble is because of our experiences it's hard to trust and because we are hurt we withdraw.i think what you are feeling is the battle between these things. I feel it too .

In the meantime I only trust my T and my best friend but I am trying to have some 'light' social interaction so that I can see its ok and not everyone is bad.

 

[Valentino]

You could try cuddling up yourself in a warm blanket, do a self hug, with self massage, then say to yourself comforting, soothing, consoling, kind words.

Just act exactly like you would say to a hurting child, instead just do it to yourself.

Rolling up in a ball, like the fetal position, and self hugging tight. Physically that is very self soothing and brings out feelings of safety.