My Closest Relationships Are Often My Biggest Triggers :-(

[Deleted member 1860]

I had a really bad episode about 2 weeks ago that was spurned by contact with my mother. I ended up hurting myself so bad that I had to be seen by a doctor (I've injured on/off since I was a teen but it's never required medical assistance before.) Years of her manipulation tactics have worn me down. My therapist says I need to avoid contact with her at all costs so that's what I'm doing. It is going to be tough with all the upcoming holidays, and my birthday in a few weeks.

Once I get some distance I can work on my healing better. That is my goal for now.

 

[crazy8]

I'm sorry you had such a horrific episode. It sounds like it was quite scary. Hang in there :-) Maybe you'll "stumble upon" a convenient vacation destination or visit a friend so you don't have to see her and have a good excuse ;-).

 

[fly away home]

Interesting that it has informed your career choice, I am self employed so as to avoid being controlled. I can see myself destroying a friendship right now because I'm feeling pressured to divulge information about my ptsd whether the pressure is actual or perceived, I don't know but I'm running either way and I don't want to.

 

[Sweet Girl]

Chalk up another "me too" for the big 3.

 

[zaniara]

Can just say "me too" big time. I can interact really great for short periods of time with people who doesn't come "too close"; but if they do the problems start.. But my therapist keep on telling me that it's in close relationships and with "connection" trauma and dissociation is healed. *sigh* So.. I gather working ones way through it all, and not end up running away all the time(as I have been doing many years) are the first steps to overcome it all and heal.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My loving boyfriend doesn't hug me "long enough" and - WOAH - I feel rejected, unloved, and intensely hate myself.

I can relate to your entire post. And this part above I've done so much and I hate it so much that I would do almost anything to make it stop. I recently had to change therapists unexpectedly. And honestly I'm glad. I liked my therapist but she heard what she thought she heard. And it drove me nuts. She kept going on about me having a fear of abandonment. No. I have a fear of rejection.

Abandonment is awful and no one likes it. But what I couldn't get her to understand was its not about the leaving for me. It's about WHY. I had an ex who used his time attention and affection to either reward or punish me. It was traumatic for me because no matter what he was always stoic. So I never knew If he meant it or not when he said everything was ok. I would tell him how upset it would make me when he would ignore me for days and weeks at a time. And how I was scared and I was scared that he was going to do it again. And his response was threatening and blaming. As a result I no longer know if anything anyone says is real. And I'm constantly or very easily hypervigilant. Wondering if a different person for example is now going to completely ignore me as a way to punish me. And if I should brace myself for the impending doom that I end up feeling or not.

My previous therapist would talk about codependence which to some degree is there. But as I've told my new therapist who gets me it's not that I feel like I'm going to die if a guy is quiet with me. Which my distorted thoughts end up reading as rejection. It's about "oh no is this person going to do it too?". Because what it does for me is validates all of the verbal abuse I got in a different relationship. So for me it's about it being that I really must be worthless etc.

I bet my previous therapist would be confused that I don't feel abandoned by her. Because she just left unexpectedly due to a personal medical reason. And no one in the office really knows what it was. But I don't. And I don't because I know she wasn't rejecting me.

I get so frustrated and angry and impatient with myself because I hear how I sound when I say things like "uh oh he was quiet". I know how clingy it comes across. And I know I'm not being clingy. I can't stand to be clung to. What I'm really wanting is the reassurance that it's not what it looks like and that I'm safe. But asking for that is tricky because it makes me feel vulnerable which I also don't like feeling. So yes I definitely relate to your post. I'm sorry I went on a bit of a tangent. But I don't often open up about this. And I guess today when I did I just really needed to get it off my chest.

 

[JennJenn]

I do not have PTSD, but I am currently in a relationship with a PTSD survivor. The relationship seems to be a trigger for him. I have done a lot of research on PTSD and have saw a therapist myself, but I still feel like there are things I can do to help. Does anyone have anything to offer for a loved one who is trying to be supportive and patient?

 

[crazy8]

@JennJenn I think the recommendations vary drastically from person to person. For me personally, when I have a flashback triggered by something my boyfriend did, I want nothing more than for him to hold me very tight and tell me, sometimes repeatedly, that he loves me and that everything will be OK. For some people with PTSD, hugging tight could be a trigger!

I recommend asking him what he thinks you should try. Make sure to ask him when he is NOT in a flashback. While in a flashback, it can sometimes be impossible for us to think about and verbalize how we feel and what we need (at least for me it is). Personally, I am usually unable to speak during a flashback. Ask him what would help him feel better, or just what could lessen the pain in those moments. I know that sometimes (or so the stereotype says) it can be more difficult for men to verbalize their emotions than women. If this is the case with your boyfriend (or husband, etc), try watching what things make it worse while he's in a flashback. Gently try something new, something that is supportive to his present situation and shows your love. Perhaps saying "It's ok, I love you, it's not your fault, it will be over soon." Or, rub his back or turn on his favorite music. Try to focus his attention on what is happening in reality in his present moment, as this may help him realize that his flashback is not real. Try soothing things. Be prepared to back off if he doesn't like it, and try not to take it personally. Remember, even if he is directing his frustrations or emotional pain towards you, you didn't do anything to purposely hurt him. It is not your fault. However, if you're committed to him, it's your role to support.

I'm mostly giving recommendations based on my own personal experience with PTSD (with emotional flashbacks, which are quite different from other kinds like visual flashbacks). So, if someone else has more suggestions please list them. I'm sure my recommendations are limited to my understanding of my own PTSD, so they surely aren't sufficient. I think suggestions from others on helping "ground" him might be handy...I'm lacking in knowledge on this.

Also, I really commend your efforts to seek advice on this forum to support your loved one. What an expression of love!!!

 

[JennJenn]

Thank you so much for your insight.

I have asked him what he thinks, and he is not sure himself. I do not think his is so much flashbacks that are his problem. He gets anxious and nervous about certain things. I have learned somethings that help or at least do not seem to make the situation worse for him. I do like the idea of playing music for him during his times that are difficult. I may try that.

I am willing try anything that is suggested.

 

[Mayday]

I can interact really great for short periods of time with people who doesn't come "too close"; but if they do the problems start..

Yes. This is COMPLETELY me!

But my therapist keep on telling me that it's in close relationships and with "connection" trauma and dissociation is healed. *sigh*

I think my therapist has been trying to tell me that too....but when even the thought of a close relationship makes me panic...I don't know...so confusing and frustrating, and heartbreaking. Therapy helps me be more in touch with my feelings, so now I know how terrible loneliness feels, but still just as terrified of getting close to anyone. Thank goodness I have cats to cuddle at least.

 

[zaniara]

Yes. This is COMPLETELY me/ Therapy helps me be more in touch with my feelings, so now I know how terrible loneliness feels, but still just as terrified of getting close to anyone. Thank goodness I have cats to cuddle at least.

I'm basically in the same situation, minus the cats.. (Would love to own at least one, but can't afford it right now.) Sometimes it feels like therapy made the situation worse: feeling how really bad it is but not being able to change it much right now really sucks. :(

 

[katiekat]

These posts sound a lot like me. Not sure exactly what triggers and emotional flashbacks are as I was just diagnosed two weeks ago but I have really been struggling this weekend. I just blew up at my fiance. I was. woken up by my toddler wanting to eat breakfast so I got up and got him food, already annoyed it was 8am and his dad hadn't fed him. My fiance was in his room cleaning (aka organizing bins of toys in an OCDlike fashion) and I totally snapped at him because we have dishes piling up and bathrooms needing to be cleaned and I just didn't understand why he was cleaning a room that is in disarray 10 minutes after we clean it. He finally told me 10 minutes later it was the only thing he could clean productively with our son around. I had to remove myself and be alone to cool off. I get mad at myself for being so rude to him and I hate being this way. I don't know if this constitutes a flashback or if its just me being a brat.

I always had a fight with my brother every time we had to do chores and my mom was always having us do stupid chores and getting totally crazy about what "had" to get done. I'd often retreat to my room or by myself somewhere just like I am doin now. Is this a flashback?