I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to how I experience attachment issues.
I see a lot of threads on here talking about attachment problems from the point of view of need, dependency and being driven to seek love, reassurance, comfort, understanding, validation and approval. This is sometimes the case even towards parents who have been abusive - still wanting (hopelessly) to be heard by them, still loving them, still wanting their love.
I appreciate that this is many people's experience. I'm not querying that something along these lines may be quite a common response to how things were in childhood. What I'm wondering about is how little I seem to see "my" type of attachment issue talked about, which isn't at all like the above. I'd like to feel less alone with it, but I see so many posts that are almost the opposite that I wonder how alone with it I am.
I have no idea how correct the label and description below are in terms of accepted theory, but I relate to almost every single word:
Insecure/Avoidant:
These children are friendlier with strangers than with parents; they do not look to caregivers for comfort; they pay more attention to the environment than to people. Gradually they become hostile and distant with peers and teachers alike, socially isolated, less compliant with rules, and more expressive of negative emotions. As they grow older, these children are frequently very independent; sullen and oppositional; not likely to seek help when injured or disappointed; angry and distant; lacking in empathy; omnipotent in their approach to the world and rejecting of nurturing.
(walledgarden)
This was true of me as a child (I was neglected and abused) and it's true of me as an adult now. I remember things like this from when I was quite small.
One time, my older sister fell from an upstairs window into some rose bushes and was bleeding and full of thorns. I started fixing it and thought she was ridiculous for wanting to go and find our parents for help. It was probably just as well because last time I'd administered "first aid" I'd used undiluted floor disinfectant which gave her an antiseptic burn that she had to see a doctor for. I still thought I was perfectly capable and it was babyish to go running off to adults. I didn't see our parents as people to go to for help anyway. Given the house we were living in at the time, I can't have been older than eight.
Another time, I don't know how old but younger than the above, I was walking around with my family on holiday and saw other families walking around. I suddenly realised that it made no difference to me which family I was with, and to test this out I left my family and tagged along with a different one instead. We'd gone some way before they discovered me walking just behind them, by which time my own family were nowhere to be found. It ended up with the police having to reunite me with my own family, which took some time since I didn't tell them anything about how to find them - I pretended I didn't know. I don't remember acting like that because I was trying to escape my family, what I remember is that I was secretly enjoying making things difficult. I liked the whole adventure and wanted to make it last longer. As far as being with my own family or not, I think I was indifferent.
As an adult I am incredibly independent and have always preferred to lie, steal or suffer than ask for help or admit weakness in any way. Stealing has luckily only been occasional but lying was a constant survival tactic until I started coming out of denial a few years ago. I'm fortunate to have a few close friends who are very supportive but I never act needily towards them. When I went to live abroad for two years I missed my friends but my response to that was to do very practical things to create a new group of friends where I was living, which I immediately did. Once when I was bleeding profusely from an accidental head injury I tried to get a bus to the hospital even though I could have asked a neighbour to drive me and they would have gladly done so. (The bus driver refused to take me and called an ambulance.) There are so many examples like this.
When they train people in emergency procedures for aeroplanes, they say that in a disaster there are only two types of people in general - those who'll trample on others to get out, and those who'll get trampled on. I have no illusions about the fact that I would be doing the trampling. I'm not sure I even need an emergency. I'm fiercely protective of myself and will do whatever I have to, to make sure I'm OK. Compassion doesn't come easily to me, and I can manage it only for adults. I have no empathy for children whatsoever. I can't stand their lack of ability and knowledge, and how needy they are.
So here I am trying to do trauma therapy... Needless to say, it causes problems. I'm not sure my issues are the same as many other people's though, at least in terms of what I happen to read. I don't have a push-pull dynamic of wanting to be close to others but being scared. I don't really want to be close to others, intimacy has little appeal for me. I don't find it hard to trust due to being afraid of being abandoned or hurt. I find it hard to trust because I don't believe anyone else can be relied on in the way I can rely on myself. Anyway, I see being vulnerable as the ultimate stupidity (for myself).
I suppose in a way I'm arrogant about my own abilities, but that doesn't mean I have a high sense of self-worth. It's not to do with worthiness, only capability. And ruthlessness. I don't identify with a fear of abandonment. I identify with a fear of being cut off from resources that I need.
Obviously, I have glimmers of being able to get past this or I wouldn't be in therapy at all. I've bonded with my therapist, but I think I've been able to do that only because of having a metaphysical approach to things and seeing my relationship with her as a relationship I'm meant to have - I can trust in the metaphysics. I don't necessarily expect anyone else to relate to that point of view, I'm just trying to explain how it is for me.
In more general terms, I wonder if other people relate to the description of insecure/avoidant attachment type (or whatever this is called), and if so what you think is helpful for healing from that?
.... or am I really alone?
I see a lot of threads on here talking about attachment problems from the point of view of need, dependency and being driven to seek love, reassurance, comfort, understanding, validation and approval. This is sometimes the case even towards parents who have been abusive - still wanting (hopelessly) to be heard by them, still loving them, still wanting their love.
I appreciate that this is many people's experience. I'm not querying that something along these lines may be quite a common response to how things were in childhood. What I'm wondering about is how little I seem to see "my" type of attachment issue talked about, which isn't at all like the above. I'd like to feel less alone with it, but I see so many posts that are almost the opposite that I wonder how alone with it I am.
I have no idea how correct the label and description below are in terms of accepted theory, but I relate to almost every single word:
Insecure/Avoidant:
These children are friendlier with strangers than with parents; they do not look to caregivers for comfort; they pay more attention to the environment than to people. Gradually they become hostile and distant with peers and teachers alike, socially isolated, less compliant with rules, and more expressive of negative emotions. As they grow older, these children are frequently very independent; sullen and oppositional; not likely to seek help when injured or disappointed; angry and distant; lacking in empathy; omnipotent in their approach to the world and rejecting of nurturing.
(walledgarden)
This was true of me as a child (I was neglected and abused) and it's true of me as an adult now. I remember things like this from when I was quite small.
One time, my older sister fell from an upstairs window into some rose bushes and was bleeding and full of thorns. I started fixing it and thought she was ridiculous for wanting to go and find our parents for help. It was probably just as well because last time I'd administered "first aid" I'd used undiluted floor disinfectant which gave her an antiseptic burn that she had to see a doctor for. I still thought I was perfectly capable and it was babyish to go running off to adults. I didn't see our parents as people to go to for help anyway. Given the house we were living in at the time, I can't have been older than eight.
Another time, I don't know how old but younger than the above, I was walking around with my family on holiday and saw other families walking around. I suddenly realised that it made no difference to me which family I was with, and to test this out I left my family and tagged along with a different one instead. We'd gone some way before they discovered me walking just behind them, by which time my own family were nowhere to be found. It ended up with the police having to reunite me with my own family, which took some time since I didn't tell them anything about how to find them - I pretended I didn't know. I don't remember acting like that because I was trying to escape my family, what I remember is that I was secretly enjoying making things difficult. I liked the whole adventure and wanted to make it last longer. As far as being with my own family or not, I think I was indifferent.
As an adult I am incredibly independent and have always preferred to lie, steal or suffer than ask for help or admit weakness in any way. Stealing has luckily only been occasional but lying was a constant survival tactic until I started coming out of denial a few years ago. I'm fortunate to have a few close friends who are very supportive but I never act needily towards them. When I went to live abroad for two years I missed my friends but my response to that was to do very practical things to create a new group of friends where I was living, which I immediately did. Once when I was bleeding profusely from an accidental head injury I tried to get a bus to the hospital even though I could have asked a neighbour to drive me and they would have gladly done so. (The bus driver refused to take me and called an ambulance.) There are so many examples like this.
When they train people in emergency procedures for aeroplanes, they say that in a disaster there are only two types of people in general - those who'll trample on others to get out, and those who'll get trampled on. I have no illusions about the fact that I would be doing the trampling. I'm not sure I even need an emergency. I'm fiercely protective of myself and will do whatever I have to, to make sure I'm OK. Compassion doesn't come easily to me, and I can manage it only for adults. I have no empathy for children whatsoever. I can't stand their lack of ability and knowledge, and how needy they are.
So here I am trying to do trauma therapy... Needless to say, it causes problems. I'm not sure my issues are the same as many other people's though, at least in terms of what I happen to read. I don't have a push-pull dynamic of wanting to be close to others but being scared. I don't really want to be close to others, intimacy has little appeal for me. I don't find it hard to trust due to being afraid of being abandoned or hurt. I find it hard to trust because I don't believe anyone else can be relied on in the way I can rely on myself. Anyway, I see being vulnerable as the ultimate stupidity (for myself).
I suppose in a way I'm arrogant about my own abilities, but that doesn't mean I have a high sense of self-worth. It's not to do with worthiness, only capability. And ruthlessness. I don't identify with a fear of abandonment. I identify with a fear of being cut off from resources that I need.
Obviously, I have glimmers of being able to get past this or I wouldn't be in therapy at all. I've bonded with my therapist, but I think I've been able to do that only because of having a metaphysical approach to things and seeing my relationship with her as a relationship I'm meant to have - I can trust in the metaphysics. I don't necessarily expect anyone else to relate to that point of view, I'm just trying to explain how it is for me.
In more general terms, I wonder if other people relate to the description of insecure/avoidant attachment type (or whatever this is called), and if so what you think is helpful for healing from that?
.... or am I really alone?
