Relationship Not Everything Is Ptsd

[OrangeJulius]

Thanks for your kind words. I guess he technically cheated on me too. This is my first break up and its terrible! Its comforting to hear you have a standup guy now. That is AWESOME! I wish I could fast forward to when that happens for me too.

 

[ashdawn8287]

It'll happen, in the mean time take care of yourself and reach out to your friends and family. Oh and have some fun!

 

[Kintsugi]

So this thread really blew up. And my two cents are a bit of a digression I guess. This is as much a question, really, as a series of statements.

I've noticed the trend this thread seems to be linked to. To me, what's interesting about what I've observed, as well as about this thread, is the whole "Is it the PTSD?" issue.

So following that I wrote this long touchy-feely, hyper-qualified dissertation to give some context but I think I have to be straightforward. Sorry.

Except for in certain circumstances...

I don't understand why it really *matters* whether or not a specific moment or behavior or statement was a partial byproduct of PTSD in most situations, if you're in a long-haul-type committed relationship with someone. I think that there are two big contributors to why I don't get this. A) I've had PTSD since a kid, so it's difficult and often irrelevant to ask whether or not something about me is PTSD-related. B) Most of the people who I've been close with in any way have some kind of mental illness, sometimes more serious or as serious as my own, or they are very familiar with mental health issues by way of family members (mostly parents).

I couldn't imagine all those relationships if I were constantly wondering, "Is this the bipolar?" "The schizotypal?" "The borderline?" etc. My friends who have PTSD are not really that different. I just usually understand them more readily.

So... I don't know. I just don't understand a lot of these inquiries about behaviors that are clearly extremely upsetting and unacceptable to supporters. I like my depressed, anger-consumed, suicidal, delusional friends. But I know a lot of people who would never put up with their behaviors. And I know a lot of people who I thought I could handle and I couldn't--some things cross lines. We all have personal limits.

The DSM won't tell you where to draw the line, just provide a term for the behavior.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Thanks again! I am. :) Well, best I can. Its still fresh. Can't wait to be past it!

 

[Nicolette]

My opinion only.......

So... I don't know. I just don't understand a lot of these inquiries about behaviors that are clearly extremely upsetting and unacceptable to supporters.

I guess, when you have to deal with it, and you don't understand it like you say you do, I guess the question which comes into mind is what *additional tolerance* is given compared to someone without a mental illness..... there is grounds for compensation and the problem is how far does that shift the boundary?! In my opinion it is not much as unacceptable behaviour is just that however, when suffering from *heightened* PTSD symptoms how and when you *deal* with the unacceptable behaviour can vary.

My view is people view the illness as a grounds for *different* behaviour and with no understanding it is easy to excuse behaviours that would normally be unacceptable in a gesture of kindness but it isn't really. Does that make sense?

I don't understand why it really *matters* whether or not a specific moment or behavior or statement was a partial byproduct of PTSD in most situations, if you're in a long-haul-type committed relationship with someone.

It only *matters* to me when addressing the issue - if a behaviour is a byproduct of the sufferer experiencing exacerbated PTSD, then *picking your time* comes into consideration at times. You don't poke the angry bear, but you do let the bear know, when it is calm, that the behaviour is not acceptable. From that you draw a boundary and then the rest comes down to what the sufferer does going forward and what the supporter will tolerate (personal limits).

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, as someone with PTSD (from early childhood) I am relentlessly working on my control of my symptoms. I find it enormously helpful to fact-check with other people, "Is ____ about PTSD or is this something people do?"

Stuff like yelling at your kids. Talking to parents without PTSD is very useful so that I don't think my perspective is the only one. The most calm, with-it, together, loving mothers I know absolutely lose their $h!t sometimes and it is helpful for me to hear that.

I don't know what is PTSD and what is normal. I have never seen normal. I try to figure out where I am limited by my PTSD and push those boundaries as much as possible. I feel like I have to.

 

[Toria]

Phew... I think I managed to read all those posts (well - I maybe missed the argument bit in the middle...)

Personally... I would say that anyone who was with their partner prior to the PTSD raising its ugly head is at a massive advantage when it comes to separating the person from the symptoms, because you have a "control sample" so to speak that you can compare to.

As for the whole "hot sex :oops: / squaddie fling" thing - I live in an Army Camp town - I know what they can be like (not first hand of course... :p) I worked in a bar for five years and saw the "popular girls" - we had a girl called Lynn (who became known as Lynn-Lynn Where ya bin?) and I'm not saying these girls are "popular" in that way - possibly more naive and hopeful - which makes it all the more sad that they are pinning their hopes on a mental illness and not seeing guys for what they can sometimes be... just my thoughts!

 

[madmax]

My feeling about PTSD: It manifests itself in all aspects of ones personality at one time or another.

It is our responsibility as sufferers to not hide behind the illness.

It takes effort,maturity and love of ones self to want to become a better person, lover and friend.

 

[nursenurse]

Amen, Max. That is applicable to all of us whether we have PTSD or not.

 

[aj1]

I am glad I found this thread. The more time that goes by, I find myself stuck between the though of maybe my ex really did lose feelings for me. Maybe the peak of our relationship was her last best effort. All those two weeks did was confirm in my mind this woman was very into me. Fast forward a few weeks of quiet, self putdowns, asking for space, praising me, and then breaking up.

There is a pattern in every one of these stories. I want to believe the reasons are all unique. What doesn't matter in the end is we all made an amazing friend and lost them. That hurts.

 

[Badger]

Yup. I have one of those new relationships with a sufferer. Its been a process of learning to expect less. Have more of a friendship and less of well, the other thing. (Why he has to look like Matt Damon and kiss like an incubus is a freaking mystery to me :shifty:) I know hes not relationship material right now. We spend a lot of time trying to avoid each other. He is not military, he grew up with an enormously physically and probably sexually abusive relationship with his father.

I think one of the features of c-ptsd /dissociative disorder has got to be some sort of split personality about intimacy- you crave it, but anyone who gets with you is then tainted by your shame/guilt/whatever. Anyway hes allover the map about what he wants. One day hes in love with me, the next day hes scared to have anything to do with me at all. For my own sanity I have tried to set some boundaries and then we both break them.

The whole thing is a really difficult. And for the record, I wasnt born yesterday. I'm 43

 

[tac1212]

It is true "not everything is PTSD." This was true in my situation but it took some time to realize it. Actually, I think I did realize it, but not having experience dealing with someone with PTSD, I excused a lot of the bad behavior, attributing it to PTSD. I read quite a bit about it, tried to educate myself and a lot of the behavior fit. I cared for this person and felt badly for them. I did not know them before PTSD and they were very open about it and seemed to want to be better so I tried to be supportive and not get upset at things that would normally upset me in a friendship/relationship. I didn't want to pile anything else on top of their problems. There were times I thought I should walk away but I did not want to be another person that abandoned them because they couldn't take the heat. But at some point you can't ignore the voices inside you telling you that things are not right and that the toll it is taking on you has to be addressed. You start looking for answers and a lot of people come here or seek outside help as I did. Sadly, I came to realize that the behavior I was having trouble understanding and dealing with was more similar to someone with anti-social personality disorder rather than PTSD. After doing some research and speaking with a therapist, I knew I had to separate myself from this person and that the hope I had for better times would probably never come.

If you feel you are being treated badly, you probably are and it may have very little to do with PTSD. I know it's hard but you can't ignore your own needs and feelings and call it being supportive. You will end up worse off then the person you are trying to support.