Relationship Not Everything Is Ptsd

[Loloma]

I like you nursenurse, sorry but you made me laugh. Yes you are right, you cannot profess your love to someone in a matter of a few days or weeks. Unfortunately the younger they are the more this happens. Sometimes they can't be told or won't listen because of their youth.

As I am going through the same issues presently, I can relate to this thread. My relationship has been 5 months, I have age on my side and will listen to reason when asking for support. The support I have received has been invaluable and helped me to make a decision which is sensible for my own well being.

Don't be disheartened, you are a kind person with much worldly experience. Not everything we read on this forum is uplifting, the majority of threads do help us.:)

 

[nursenurse]

Yeah Loloma, me too, in a relationship. I am treading very carefully, with a sufferer whom I really like. Been 6 months for me. And I too have age on my side, although it gets more and more on the back side and less on the front side as it marches on.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have been trying really hard not to point out the codependence and emotional masochism I keep seeing. Once in a while I think, "Man! Why can't I treat my husband the way these guys treat these ladies! Oh wait. Cause I want to stay married."

It is a real b!tch to have to learn how to deal with the consequences of ones own actions.

Also I think having slept with so many people means I am very cognizant of the fact that not everyone bonds after sex. The guys are taught to say "I love you" early because that prompts sex. Doesn't make it love. Then the New Relationship Energy wears off and then folks aren't so appealing any more.

There are too many fish in the sea to get hung up on someone who treats you badly.

 

[nursenurse]

AMEN, rightkindof me!

 

[Elric]

Although, at first, I wanted to believe that my former girlfriend's behavior was all PTSD, I've now come to accept that she has several severe character flaws (and maybe also some undiagnosed disorders) which were all brought out by her recent PTSD episode.

Another influence was the unresolved issues involving her "ex" boyfriend/fiancé and the unhealthy hold he seems to have on her. My best guess is that they are now back together (at least to some extent).

It is hard to believe that just seven weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that she wanted to "spend eternity" with me. Turns out that eternity wasn't really as long as I expected. :-(

You're right, Nicolette. I can no longer blame everything that happened on PTSD. She is just not the person that I thought she was.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

Thank you for posting Nicolette. I have seen so many posts where I found myself mentally screaming to the PTSD sufferer being discussed "RUN FORREST RUN!"

There is a huge difference between being a loving supporter and wanting to "fix" some guy/gal you just met because you have a martyr complex, daddy issues, or who knows what. Some of those just come pouring through the posts and it, frankly, sickens me.

I have learned here that if there is one characteristic that the sufferers of PTSD and their real supporters share it is the instant recognition of manipulation and pseudo-caring. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, I kind of implied that men lie to get sex. Women do too. I'm sorry I made it sound like only men do.

 

[nursenurse]

Equal opportunity :D

 

[InHell11]

While I do see your point and agree PTSD is not an excuse for 'bad' behavior that seems a little to simplified. For instance being rude to someone on purpose to make them feel bad is one thing, snapping at someone because you're so overwhelmed in that moment due to a bunch of loud noises triggering you or something is another thing entirely.

I mean even people without PTSD might slip up like that sometimes, I think it is still important to acknowledge if you snapped at someone or where rude unintentionally and apologize. Also bad behavior is a bit subjective, I would define it as behavior meant to hurt others. Also maybe its not entirely common but it is possible to get pretty screwed up when PTSD symptoms hit, for instance any kind of flashback might make it hard to keep good composure and you might end up doing things you don't want to because you're reacting to whats going on in your mind. So I guess to me intent is very important, since I have been in bad states of mind where I did lack self control and was too anxious/upset/triggered to think clearly. I do of course try to avoid that, and try and take necessary action if I am slipping into a state like that, but its easier said than done.

Also sometimes medications can make things worse, or cause weird side effects. So to me it seems like a very complex issue generally speaking.

I would say with relationships its a bit more clear cut. PTSD or not you still have to treat your significant other well, if you can't then its probably best not to remain in that relationship or continue pursuing it. Most of what I said is more general not specific to relationships but should still be kept in mind. Ultimately though it is up to the individuals in the relationship, if they want to try and work through things and get help for troublesome behaviors or if its better to end the relationship. Obviously I am talking things like issues getting along, not abuse in which case its best to get away from that even if the person does say they have PTSD or some other issue.

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, but people who are found not guilty by reason of insanity are then locked up to keep other people safe from them.

If I lash out and hurt people I should not be allowed around people. I must be held fully accountable for every single slip. I must not get a pass because I have experienced trauma. I just don't get that in life.

If someone is hurting you then you should stop them from hurting you even if they don't appreciate you stopping them. I don't see why "I didn't mean to" is supposed to excuse anything.

 

[standingstrong]

I agree with this statement and yes I came here looking for answers. I got a few but I really had to dive into my confusion with my first thread that I posted.

I rambled about our relatioship and yes the angles I gave made it seem the relationship was something it was not. my boyfriend and I love each other very much and he does not treat me bad at all.

I was trying to better understand the behaviors he did have that I didn't understand and trying to be the best that I can for him he not only deserves it because he is amazing he deserves it because of all he has to fight through and has fought through. I needed and still need to learn how decifer what true behaviors of ptsd are and if it is something I need to understand and except or put in my head as just a normal insecurity and basic relationship issue. I will fight as hard as I can for him and will also know the difference between whats right and wrong in the way I am treated.

It is all about learning behaviors and about ptsd and what to do to keep myself standing strong for myself and for him if its what is right.

 

[InHell11]

Err, but people who are found not guilty by reason of insanity are then locked up to keep other people safe from them.

I think how long they are locked up if at all depends on the crime and how the treatment goes. I certainly was not suggesting people who are a danger to others should just be free to roam around. My point was the existence of that indicates that if one is not in a state they can control their behavior then they can't legally be held accountable. But that was sort of an extreme example...I mean I've certainly never injured anyone, I tried fighting off my siblings because I was at the moment convinced they where attacking me the reality was they where stopping me from breaking everything in my room. I feel guilty about it but I was not even close to rational during that time hell i can't even remember half of it. Luckily my brother was smart about it and just restrained me till I stopped trying to fight but he knew I wasn't thinking even close to rationally and likely wouldn't be able to stop on my own. I would probably disagree if I got charged with 'attempted assault' as it was more attempted self defense against a threat that wasn't real that I thought was. I did go to the psych ward first thing in the morning however which I feel was the responsible thing to do.

If someone is hurting you then you should stop them from hurting you even if they don't appreciate you stopping them. I don't see why "I didn't mean to" is supposed to excuse anything.

I mostly agree, however I was talking about something a little more complex than 'I didn't mean to' I am talking about not being yourself, having no comprehension of what is going on, convinced you're under attack. Obviously if someone is hurting you they should be stopped regardless of reason, however what is going on within someones mind does play a role and that has to be considered.

I don't know sometimes I get the feeling people expect those with mental illnesses to live up to even higher standards than people without. Mental issues interfere with behavior and functioning, there just isn't much way around it. So I guess I don't get how someone is completely accountable for any behavior that even so much as slightly bothers another person when they have a mental illness they did not choose that interferes with their ability to do that.