Is It Possible I Was Molested As A Child And It's Just Now Coming To Realization?

[Anon123]

I need help figuring out if this was a dream, my imagination, or real. I'm not even sure how to say it, but I think I may have been molested when I was little by my cousin.. Ik, how do you NOT know? But I was about. 4-5 years old.. And I was being baby sat by him.. And my memory consists of this:

He was in his parents room. (He was a teen at the time) an I remember he was watching some sort of porn. And he called me in. And he started doing stuff.. It wasn't sex but what people consider "foreplay"..

Me being the age I was, I don't see how I would know all of these sexual things if it didn't happen.

And it only happened one other time a month or so later. But I remember both times very clear. But nothing ever happened since and I still see of him to this day, and he seems normal like nothing happened. So I have been really confused. I don't know if it was real or just a dream of some sort, which again being 4-5 years old, I don't see how I would know those sexual actions and have a dream of it if it wasn't real. I'm currently 20 and I sometimes have "flashbacks" of this dream or memory when my boyfriend and I do things. I've even broken down crying during things because something said or done causes a memory.. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to falsely accuse someone of it WAS a dream. But I'm afraid my mind sort of just fazed out that memory to make me think it didn't happen or something. :L

 

[digger]

But I remember both times very clear.

If you remember both times very clearly, what makes you think that it didn't happen? It may be that he just assumes you don't remember and that's why he acts normally around you. You said he was a teen but old was he at the time, how many years older than you is he?

 

[crazy8]

But nothing ever happened since and I still see of him to this day, and he seems normal like nothing happened. So I have been really confused. I don't know if it was real or just a dream of some sort,

I used to feel exactly the same way - confused. I have memories from ages 4-10 yrs old of my mom dragging me on the ground by my hair, shoving soap down my throat, kicking me down the stairs, swearing at me, calling me vulgar names, and beating me and kicking me repeatedly while I lay in the fetal position on the ground. Yet, she has never once acknowledged these things, apologized...or recognized them in any way. She's actually a pretty good mom now (I am 26 yrs old), so I actually forgot about these events completely for several years, leaving me quite confused...until the flashbacks started...

I won't get better until I fully admit these things happened, and part of that will be, eventually, to face her directly about these things - requiring her to recognize that they occurred and that they were wrong and painful.

If you have the clear memories as you say, don't doubt them. An abuser's most effective defense against their actions (and perhaps even how they cope with the regret of having done those horrendous things) is denial. Reveal the truth - it's the right thing to do, and you deserve recognition of the pain you endured then and now because of the abuse. Also, your abuser needs to emerge from his denial and face the truth as well, lest he continue his abuses on other individuals.

 

[WillyKat]

My story, short version, is that I was raped by my neighbor when I was about 6. He was about 14 or so.

I had no memory of this event until I was 21, when it all came flooding back. There were plenty of signs that something was wrong in those 15 or so intervening years. My memories (both the images and what he said) of some of it are very clear. Other parts are less clear.

I agree with the other posters that you should take these seriously. Go to a good psychologist and tell them everything you remember. It's important to not put this off because if it's bothering you enough to come here, then it won't get better by waiting. It's also important that while you'll find lots of support here on the forum, you won't get therapy here. This forum us awesome but its not therapy.

And welcome to the forum!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Don't doubt these memories. They are likely real given what you have stated.

Don't worry about falsely accusing someone. Get the help that you need now.

 

[DMerish]

Hi,

For what it's worth, here are my thoughts and experience . . .

Physiologically, it's unnatural for a healthy young child to have any sort of sexual experience beyond masturbation or simple/minor
inquisitiveness, i.e. you show me yours and I'll show you mine - know what I mean?

I need help figuring out if this was a dream, my imagination, or real. I'm not even sure how to say it, but I think I may have been molested when I was little . . .

I have wondered this about myself off-and-on for many years.

But I'm afraid my mind sort of just fazed out that memory to make me think it didn't happen or something.

The mind does that when something happens that doesn't make sense and the thing that happened is so out of the ordinary that our inner core can't deal with it - especially in childhood. It's a protective mechanism - it buries the impressions/memory so that the body can go on functioning/continuing along it's journey as it's supposed to as best it can, i.e. going to school, being with friends, having relationships/children, etc. Later, when the mind is more mature, it tries to recall the event and sort things out - What really happened? What has been the effect? Why do I feel or think certain things at certain times, etc.

I am 60. I've had brief individual snippets (picture/recall) of a few things come up in my mind for many, many years off-and-on. The snippets are from a time when I was around four or five. When they came, I always felt sort of weird about them. The snippets seemed to be connected in some way but I could not/cannot string the snippets together to make a full memory of something that happened. When they'd come, I'd find a way to distract myself and not have them in the background of my mind. Writing now is the first time I've ever talked about them - that's because the snippets have been more pervasive over the last year, their connectedness is coming together, as well as a fuller understanding of why I did certain things in my teens and twenties (before being diagnosed with PTSD), and (I think) because I feel safe in exploring these things here as a member of myptsd.

The snippets include my older brother, include sex related materials, and being naked in the bathtub with my mother using a turkey baster (for vaginal douche) on me and her being angry/hysterical. There are also snippets of having the sensation of leaving my body, and seeing myself floating above on the ceiling around the same age. And, I had recurring nightmares of being white mad and doing harmful things to my brother and mother. The dream/nightmear is recalled complete - it's not in snippets - I've had the nightmear as an adult also.

Several years ago, to my surprise, my brother professed a sincere apology for "anything I ever did that hurt you" - I thought it odd, but didn't think too much about it as he was attending 12-step meetings at the time. I asked if he had something in particular in mind. He didn't - it was a blanked apology for anything/everything he did that hurt me. I didn't think about it. However, this year, with the snippets returning more frequently, I asked my sisters if he had ever said something of the same nature to them. He didn't.

Considering that these snippets have been visiting me for so long, my past, the fact that my sisters and their lives are/have been very different than mine, the blanket apology, etc.etc. I'm now convinced that something happened.

I firmly agree with the other posters who suggest that you see a counselor/phychologist - I really wish I had done so in my twenties! I think if I had, the pieces would have come together earlier, I would have dealt with things, and I would have made better, healthier, decisions about my life.

Peace,
Drew

 

[HelenB]

Welcome to the forum.

As with many others I have struggled a lot with memories of things which have been coming up over the years, and my advise to you would be to trust yourself. I know if I am really honest that deep down I have always known the reality, but know that this is also something I have never really wanted to believe, and even though I have come to a place of much more acceptance now and do know they happened, I still have times when I really cannot bring myself to really accept that they really did happen, and know this is normal too.

As others have said it is totally natrual to phaze things out to make you think they did not happen, and again I would say the most important thing really is to trust yourself. This is not about making accuasations, this is about listening to yourself and allowing whatever it is that you need to get out, to come out, and as you allow yourself to do that more and more, the right way to deal with it and anyone concerned will also come out. If you do not allow yourself to do that and the things did happen, it will only cause an internal mess, which for me became very destructive, as I just did not know any other way to get away from the memories, and in the long term I really have realised that in doing this it was only me which was now causing me any harm, and though it is still so hard, do know that that really is not what the little girl inside me, who is screaming out so much deserves.

I wish you strength and courage for your journey.

God Bless
Helen

 

[Powder]

Several years ago, to my surprise, my brother professed a sincere apology for "anything I ever did that hurt you" - I thought it odd, but didn't think too much about it as he was attending 12-step meetings at the time. I asked if he had something in particular in mind. He didn't - it was a blanked apology for anything/everything he did that hurt me. I didn't think about it. However, this year, with the snippets returning more frequently, I asked my sisters if he had ever said something of the same nature to them. He didn't. .....
the blanket apology, etc.etc. I'm now convinced that something happened.

Wow, thank you for sharing this!

My Dad/abuser gave a vague but very grave blanket apology at Christmas to my sister and then to me, in front of her. It was "creepy" (her words, but my thought, too). What was creepy was how upset he clearly was without naming the thing he was apologizing for. Also, when my mom suddenly appeared into the open concept area, he literally RAN off looking afraid.

By the end of Feb. I had "The Flashback" that confirmed that he was "apologizing" for raping me. The vague apology had haunted me until I got flashbacks and had to finally realize my Trauma, which I had been debating for 30 years.

Thanks Drew for sharing about this, because now I don't feel so alone in this. My sister and co-victim is still in amnesia and hates me for remembering.

 

[DMerish]

You're welcome, Muse. I'm glad it was helpful.