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Snowangel1225 I don't have PTSD myself, but I have struggled in my younger years with severe depression and suicidal thoughts/behaviors. I've tried to kill myself three times, obviously unsuccessfully. :p I don't have those problems now and haven't for years, but it allows me to see your situation from both sides of the fence. On your side, I think you did a great job. That was not an easy decision to make, especially knowing that you might be angering him or setting him off to the point of no contact again, ever. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend (who does have combat PTSD) was in a drunken stupor, raving about killing himself and telling me that he would do it where no one would find him, places he would do it, grabbing things off the counters and showing me how he might do it, but then saying "oh don't worry, I won't tell you when I would do it, I would just be gone and you would never be able to find me." At that point, I had been trying to decide for hours what to do, and I made the most difficult decision of calling the police to come get him and take him to the psych ER. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. But it was the right decision. He was furious at me -- wouldn't look at me, wouldn't say goodbye, saying other rude things before they put him in the cop car -- but it saved his life. Thankfully he forgave me afterwards, but even if he hadn't, it would have been the right decision, as yours was.
On the other side of the situation, things were perhaps more complicated. Obviously I don't know you personally or your guy, so I only offer what my experiences have been, that they may be something you identify with and can help you understand. When I was so depressed and considering suicide very strongly every day, I used to say those sorts of things to some people as well. Make comments about me being gone, without blatantly saying the meaning behind the words. As messed up as it sounds, it was sort of a test for me. I felt so alone and so hopeless that I felt like nobody cared about me and no one would be sad if I was gone. Saying those things to people was a test to either validate my feelings that nobody would care, or to try to convince myself out of killing myself. It was to see, who loves me enough that they will put their money where their mouth is? Obviously, that reflects a lot of really messed up thinking and psychological problems, but at the time, that's what it was about. I hate myself so much, nobody else can possibly love me. If these people who say they love me really do, they will notice I'm so upset and try to stop me. Even when people expressed caring about my living, it wasn't enough. It was: well that's just one person, who cares. One person can be sad and it will be fine when I'm not here anymore. They'll get over it. So perhaps he wasn't really "joking" when he said that to you, and he was surprised that you showed such strong feelings about him living. Additionally, there were times people found out what I was planning and I would immediately isolate from them. I didn't want to be alive, and if they even started getting the hint that I was going to kill myself, I didn't want to be around them, lest they reveal my plan to someone else and I'm forced to be alive. That might be why he immediately isolated from you. Or, it could have been the ever-present stigma of mental illness. I suspect that may be part of why he is so mad at you now, because it's hard to admit that we have troubles, and even harder to admit them to people who supposedly know the "real" us, whose vision of us may be tainted when they find out what we are really dealing with. He may have felt that way towards you -- that even though you really do know the real him, it's still hard to admit and talk about, so he just disappeared in hopes that you would forget about it and leave him alone until he could have his facade on once more. Again, I don't know for sure, but those are the things that ran through my head when I was dealing with that stuff.
The first time I tried to kill myself, I played that mind game with my best friend, who was smart enough to figure out what I was going to do. She told one of my teachers (I was in high school at the time), they had a conference, I was forced into counseling, my parents were told, etc. I was SO freaking mad at her that I didn't talk to her for almost a year. She ruined my plan. She betrayed me.. even though subconsciously, I wanted her to care enough to stop me. She told my parents, who put me on constant watch for 9 months, where I wasn't allowed to be anywhere in the house without the door open or one of them with me. I was furious. But once I got better, once I started healing and realizing my psychological shortcomings.. I was so so so thankful to her. She saved my life. She made the difficult decision that you did, to make someone get help and take control of their lives so that they don't become reckless with theirs. So I know that right now, it's really really hard for you and you're questioning if what you did was right, and if he will hate you for the rest of his life. He might hate you for a while, but I think (well, hope) that he will realize that what you did was tremendously courageous, and loving. So hang in there. We're all here for you.
