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Deleted member 1860
I realize this topic is pretty controversial, so if you feel strongly toward it and it will upset you, then perhaps you should stop reading.
I've posted a few times about my undiagnosed narcissistic grandfather and mother. Neither are in my life at the moment for my own health and well being. My grandfather is pushing 100 so I doubt I will see him again before he dies. I had a horrible self-injuring episode after the last meeting with my mother, and I'm still dealing with the effects of it, so I have chosen to cease contact with her.
It has been thrown around by many people that my grandfather and mother are both narcissistic. My grandfather, while undiagnosed, fits every single criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and each criterion, well, lets just say I have an interesting story to support each one! I know its not good to throw around a diagnosis, but in his case, I believe it fits. The same label has been thrown around for my mother as well. I have always felt uncomfortable as she doesn't fit the criteria for a NPD diagnosis. I balked when my therapist did a diagnosis-by-proxy as it never felt right for me to say that about my mother. I have never felt comfortable when others mention it as well.
For the longest time I thought it was just a matter of needing to accept the harsh reality about my mother, and that I was in denial. A few days ago I found a website that talks about how the toxic stuff gets passed down from one generation to the next. It said that oftentimes people don't know there is anything wrong with them. It also mentioned that some people are labeled as "narcissistic" but rather their true behavior is misunderstood. A big bell went off in my head. I knew I was on to something.
Yes, my mother has a few narcissistic traits, but now I can see it as an issue of her reacting to her upbringing by a strict narcissistic father whom she still feels the need to please to this very day (often at the expense of everyone else.) I see her as "not knowing what she doesn't know" rather than being a true and strict narcissist. It was scary to make this realization as I knew it was true as those toxic effects have been carried into my generation. I see much of my mother in myself. The only difference is that I am able to see the toxicity and I am working to change. Well, she is trying to change in certain ways, but at the same time I don't think she has the ability to see the larger picture in its entirety. It is because I was finally able to make the connection of seeing my mother in myself that I am able to have compassion for her. I always knew that the toxic stuff was being spread from one generation to the next, but I didn't realize just how bad it was. Its as if she was on the front lines of the war and has the worst effects whereas I was removed by a generation from the worst of the toxicity, so I exhibit less effects.
Don't get me wrong----I am not saying that I am going to bring my mother back into my life anytime soon. She is still very toxic to me and I don't know if I will ever be able to be around her again. More than anything, I feel sad because I can finally see just how much her narcissistic father has affected her over the last 65+ years. I can see her as a victim in all of this, too. No child should have to be raised by a narcissist. I'm very sad that she has picked up some of his traits.
As for that diagnosis at a distance therapist? She's gone. I never felt comfortable with her labeling traits in my mother from a distance. My gut was telling me that she was wrong, and my gut is never wrong in instances like this. I realize she believed she was trying to be supportive, but I don't think it is ethical to throw around a diagnosis of someone you've never even met. Heck, I could probably tell anyone a few selective traits about someone and get them labeled with one disorder or another. Its about seeing the bigger picture and to her, it was easier to just throw on a diagnosis which in the end, didn't really help me at all.
But, as for my sexual abuser...well, let's just say I have no compassion for her. Even if I heard some sob story, it wouldn't affect how I view what she did to me.
I've posted a few times about my undiagnosed narcissistic grandfather and mother. Neither are in my life at the moment for my own health and well being. My grandfather is pushing 100 so I doubt I will see him again before he dies. I had a horrible self-injuring episode after the last meeting with my mother, and I'm still dealing with the effects of it, so I have chosen to cease contact with her.
It has been thrown around by many people that my grandfather and mother are both narcissistic. My grandfather, while undiagnosed, fits every single criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and each criterion, well, lets just say I have an interesting story to support each one! I know its not good to throw around a diagnosis, but in his case, I believe it fits. The same label has been thrown around for my mother as well. I have always felt uncomfortable as she doesn't fit the criteria for a NPD diagnosis. I balked when my therapist did a diagnosis-by-proxy as it never felt right for me to say that about my mother. I have never felt comfortable when others mention it as well.
For the longest time I thought it was just a matter of needing to accept the harsh reality about my mother, and that I was in denial. A few days ago I found a website that talks about how the toxic stuff gets passed down from one generation to the next. It said that oftentimes people don't know there is anything wrong with them. It also mentioned that some people are labeled as "narcissistic" but rather their true behavior is misunderstood. A big bell went off in my head. I knew I was on to something.
Yes, my mother has a few narcissistic traits, but now I can see it as an issue of her reacting to her upbringing by a strict narcissistic father whom she still feels the need to please to this very day (often at the expense of everyone else.) I see her as "not knowing what she doesn't know" rather than being a true and strict narcissist. It was scary to make this realization as I knew it was true as those toxic effects have been carried into my generation. I see much of my mother in myself. The only difference is that I am able to see the toxicity and I am working to change. Well, she is trying to change in certain ways, but at the same time I don't think she has the ability to see the larger picture in its entirety. It is because I was finally able to make the connection of seeing my mother in myself that I am able to have compassion for her. I always knew that the toxic stuff was being spread from one generation to the next, but I didn't realize just how bad it was. Its as if she was on the front lines of the war and has the worst effects whereas I was removed by a generation from the worst of the toxicity, so I exhibit less effects.
Don't get me wrong----I am not saying that I am going to bring my mother back into my life anytime soon. She is still very toxic to me and I don't know if I will ever be able to be around her again. More than anything, I feel sad because I can finally see just how much her narcissistic father has affected her over the last 65+ years. I can see her as a victim in all of this, too. No child should have to be raised by a narcissist. I'm very sad that she has picked up some of his traits.
As for that diagnosis at a distance therapist? She's gone. I never felt comfortable with her labeling traits in my mother from a distance. My gut was telling me that she was wrong, and my gut is never wrong in instances like this. I realize she believed she was trying to be supportive, but I don't think it is ethical to throw around a diagnosis of someone you've never even met. Heck, I could probably tell anyone a few selective traits about someone and get them labeled with one disorder or another. Its about seeing the bigger picture and to her, it was easier to just throw on a diagnosis which in the end, didn't really help me at all.
But, as for my sexual abuser...well, let's just say I have no compassion for her. Even if I heard some sob story, it wouldn't affect how I view what she did to me.
