Self Love Impossible

[TLight]

I'm so trying to love myself and I'm afraid it's getting to be too late.

Ever since I can remember, and then when I had my complete breakdown at 29, I've looked in the mirror and seen my mother's eyes and face staring back at me.

I've done everything, cut and dyed my hair, done Louise Hays affirmations, listened to people who have said I'm beautiful and 'cute' (I always got so angry when people would say that!).

When I was younger I was hit on all the time. Now I'm nearly 49 and just divorced yet another abusive partner, cut my hair into a rebellious pixy.

I just walk around hating how I look. And as I get older I look more and more like her. It's like each time I look in the mirror, I'm triggered.

This has been a problem my entire life. I just can't stand it any more and nothing seems to be working. I'm considering putting up a towel over the mirror and not looking in reflections. This has plagued me for so long and life is becoming so short.
I feel like no one will ever love me. I obviously can't love myself.

 

[ms spock]

Break self love down to the tiniest steps. Start really small and work from there.

 

[Kat83]

Hi TLight, it's never too late to change things, sit down and look at what you can change yourself and what you need help with. Break it down in to sections and deal with it as and when you feel ready, don't over exert yourself and take your time. Speaking out was a huge step in itself, well done x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm sorry :( I don't have any words of advice, but I believe you can learn to love yourself over time.

 

[arfie]

I have this struggle, too. I look more like my father, but my mother is well represented there, also. Hard to make peace with myself when I cannot make my peace with what I am made of.

I have had some success with it since I was able to forgive their illnesses far enough to give them credit for having worthwhile qualities. It remains a toughie. Sometimes I try to imagine how they might have been without the illness.

All I can really, clearly offer is assurance that you are not alone.

 

[The Albatross]

Double whammy here TLight, I sound like my father and look like my mother. It's tough to deal with. Plus there's a scar on my face from my ex-husband. I don't look in the mirror much still... and substitute self care for self "love". Getting better at that, but doubt, as I continue to age that the love thing will happen unless I turn into a quirky, amiable, eccentric little old lady. I'm aiming personally at Helen Hayes.

 

[Tolkienian]

I'm so sorry, TLight! Even if you don't see it, you are worthy of love. I agree with Albatross that learning to focus on self-care is good enough for me for now.

Another thing I've told my younger siblings about parental relationships: You may look like them. You may share 50% of your DNA with them. But you are not them. They brought you into this world, but you've made yourself into the person you are in the face of difficult circumstances. If they hurt you, they made a choice to hurt--a choice that you have (I think) not made! And whereas they may refuse to change, you have the rest of your life to make yourself and your world a little bit better every day.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am the very image of my dad. I really don't look in the mirror much.

Self love - it helped me to do loving things for myself even if I didn't feel like it over and over for years. And to do loving things for others (good people, not abusive). Learning compassion for my younger selves or parts helped too. I'm 57. loving myself began for me 12 years ago.

Though I don't look in the mirror much, when I do, I like who I see. The person in the mirror is a good person.

Self love is an inside job. Changing who you are for the better may change how you perceive yourself. It did for me anyway.

 

[Hashi]

I realise talking about approaches and affirmations might not be what you want here, please disregard it if not.

I think with something as ingrained as the feelings you have about looking like your mother, cognitive approaches and even affirmations if they're "straight out of the box" are not going to have much impact. I would need to identify the underlying beliefs and fears, then use a much stronger and deeper way to alter my psyche, with things like symbolism, rituals and visualisations that were very specific to the issue and how it manifested.

I'm a big fan of Louise Hay but I can't always apply her affirmations to my own situation. Some of them are actually counter-productive, for example in dealing with compulsive fears to say "I am safe" felt like a dangerous denial and made me feel more threatened. I had to work out what was actually happening inside my mind and come up with affirmations and visualisations that were more appropriate. Otherwise, what I'm doing will be no more effective than taking antibiotics for a broken leg, or putting a plaster cast on a throat infection.

I also think that we need to do affirmations/trying different ways of being in a way that will reach below the surface. For example, I have a lot of anxiety about my performance at work. For me, if I simply affirm something like "I'm successful" that seems applicable but in fact it sort of glides over the surface of what's really happening inside. I don't feel a connection to that. If I work with an affirmation like "I am capable" then that makes me think about the meaning of the affirmation, because capability is the heart of the matter for me. What does capable look like? What standard am I comparing myself to? What would happen if I did see myself as capable, would anything else have to change to allow me to do that? Like having more trust in myself... For someone else it might be the opposite - "I'm successful" could lead them to deeper questioning, awareness and effectiveness. It just needs to be the thing that's really going on.

I do think there's hope to heal from anything, but it needs the right approach for us and for the deeper issues.

 

[bell]

The person in the mirror is a good person.

Some days this is all I can hope for. Many days I just criticize what I see, even though I do get some attention from others (which just triggers me more!).

I try to remember the meaning of "namaste," "the light in me honors/sees the light in you." And try and remember that it's the light inside me that matters and that I need to love, not the outside of me that I often feel so critical about.

It's tough, though, for so many varying reasons. Namaste, today, to you, @TLight.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so horrible:( the only thing I can think is that seeing your posts on here you seem like an amazing person. So when people see you, that's what they see. 'She' should be honored that she looked like such an amazing woman, not the other way around.