Stephowitt
New Here
I've just joined this forum/site in the hope that someone can help me. Thank you in advance for reading/replying.
I have suffered with depression/anxiety/panic attacks etc for as long as I can remember.
This is the problem...
We moved here (to Manchester from Devon) on the 27th September, things were great, I could go to the shop without having a panic attack. A couple of weeks ago though it all started going down hill again.. In 1 of the worst/scariest points I have been through mentally in my life.
I walked into the kitchen 1 night to get a drink.. I thought I saw a face in the window (the kitchen has big windows going onto the back yard which at night is pitch black so it's always been a little scary) ...I went into the lounge nearly crying as it shook me up where me and my fella tried to watch a film, I was so on edge thinking people were looking through the curtains that in the end we went upstairs.I was shaking & scared. I kept getting a weird feeling in my head and body that I have never felt before. 2/3 times a minuite it would happen, it almost felt like pressure in my head (the best way I could explain it is if you put your fingers in your ears and move them in and out, it sounded like that, with pressure feeling like my brain is swelling then going down and a weird feeling going down my body) it only lasted a couple of seconds each time, but was so strange. I managed to doze off and had an awful nightmare, again, about people at the window. Since that night I have not been able to go downstairs at night alone.I'm basically living in my bedroom now and can't even shower unless my boyfriend is in the house.
I can't even go in the house if it's gone dark and the lights are off now. We have to have all the lights on. The other night i waited outside for 2 hours until my boyfriend finished work as I couldn't bare to open the front door after coming home from seeing a friend.
I have had nightmares every single night since it started.. 1st about my dad, then my mum, then about being homeless, then about being pregnant (I had an abortion a couple of years ago when in the violent relationship) - I wake up each time after the nightmare roll over, cuddle into my boyfriend and manage to fall back to sleep. But last night when I woke up, I rolled over and for a split second saw a dark figure stood at the side of the bed. Then I had a horrific vision of me and my boyfriend in bed and then someone starts battering him with an axe, I just lay next to him whilst it's happening screaming and crying, the axe hits me to a few times, but doesn't kill me. But my Tom is dead. :'( It was so horrible.
I also feel like i'm going crazy, little things keep happening like this... I had a shoot the other day, on the train home I saw my lace was undone.. I was nearly at the station where I needed to change so waited, got off the train and went to do my lace up, but it was already done up. Confused as I remember thinking to myself I'l just wait until I get off the train! Then there was a lad walking towards me in the waiting area. I turned around for a split second, looked back and he was gone. Unless he ran stupidly fast there was no where he could of gone! It's just a platform with a really high fence one side and a train track the other. :/ .... Then today I was doing a shoot, my fella was in the kitchen (I have a photo-studio set up in my house) and I was shooting in the lounge.. my fella shouted "i'l be back in a minuite ok" and I said to the photographer "who was that" he looked at me oddly and said your boyfriend isn't it? I didn't recognise his voice and completely forgot he was in the house. I paniced thinking someone had opened the front door and walked in.
Here's my story, I dunno if it's necessary to write it all, but I'm guessing it will help people give more of a background of my life to maybe help diagnose what's wrong with me :(
'When I was younger I use to get strapped to my hair chair and forced to watch my dad batter my mum day after day, we ran away/went into refuges etc then he would find us, my mum would take him back and it would happen all over again.. This went on for years and years until we ran away when I was around 9.. We ended up in Devon, we stayed in various shelters/supportive housing etc for a few years then managed to settle down. We had nothing and had to build our lives again from scratch. Once settled the nightmares began, every night, him, stood outside my window with a hammer in his hand (he nearly killed my mum with 1 once, she now has brain damage and epilepsy) waiting for me, I had counselling/therapy (I was only around 12 so mainly involved me playing with toys & having light questions asked etc) it did help, as the nightmares stopped.
In school, I have always been bullied, for everything, my looks, my weight, just for being different etc. I could just never fit in for some reason.. In secondary school it hit next level when I developed boobs quicker & wore make-up, girls started rumours, they spread so much & got so bad I had to leave school, the school threatened to take my mum to court, so I went back for 1 afternoon to see how people reacted to me, it resulted in 1 of the teachers getting hit across the head with a chair just because they wanted to beat me up. After that I couldn't go out for over a year without getting battered by people/adults I didn't even know. It was bad. And obviously with all the violence I had already been through it didn't help me mentally. I left school at 14 and never went back.
My relationship with my mum started suffering when I started self harming at 14, she didn't understand it and would just tell me off, which would upset me and make me wanna do it more and more. She was on drugs and a alcoholic which just made our relationship worse. I had no friends because of what happened at school so I was completely alone. I attempted suicide a few times and have self harmed since.
I went to live with my older sister once my mum went into prison when I was 15, I got a job and tried to be normal, things with my sister weren't great as her husband is a asshole and a bully. 1 day I was out with my and I got a text, they were kicking me out as I apparantly stole a razor :/... I was on the streets again, at 15 years old it was scary. The council put me into a horrible bed and breakfast, it was scary, but I stayed strong and started trying to build my life up.. I soon got put into a house share and things were looking better.
Over the years I have managed to build up a small selection of friends, get my own buisness and start modelling. I met a guy in Manchester through raving (something I love doing as it's the only time I feel like I can be who I wanna be and no one judges me) and spent time with him.. He soon became extremely violent, and like a mug I stayed with him for a year until he left me for another girl. Again, I attempted suicide.
I stayed strong after that though with thanks to raving, travelling around for modelling & keeping my buisness up and running and soon met Tom.I've been with him for over a year and a half now and we have just moved to Manchester from Devon to start our new lives'
I feel like i'm going mad. I'm so scared all the time and all I keep thinking about every single day is ending my life. I keep asking my boyfriend to help me as I'm to scared to do it alone. I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm confused, scared, sad & lonely all the time and scared i'm gunna push my boyfriend away although he swears he will never leave me and will help me through this. I'm in such a negative state of mind and can't seem to find a way out. (Over the years I have taught myself to change my thinking patten to be positive and change every negative to a positive etc but I just can't do it over this last couple of weeks!)
Really am sorry for the essay. I just hope someone can atleast point me in the right direction as to what is happening to me as I feel like a complete freak :(
I have suffered with depression/anxiety/panic attacks etc for as long as I can remember.
This is the problem...
We moved here (to Manchester from Devon) on the 27th September, things were great, I could go to the shop without having a panic attack. A couple of weeks ago though it all started going down hill again.. In 1 of the worst/scariest points I have been through mentally in my life.
I walked into the kitchen 1 night to get a drink.. I thought I saw a face in the window (the kitchen has big windows going onto the back yard which at night is pitch black so it's always been a little scary) ...I went into the lounge nearly crying as it shook me up where me and my fella tried to watch a film, I was so on edge thinking people were looking through the curtains that in the end we went upstairs.I was shaking & scared. I kept getting a weird feeling in my head and body that I have never felt before. 2/3 times a minuite it would happen, it almost felt like pressure in my head (the best way I could explain it is if you put your fingers in your ears and move them in and out, it sounded like that, with pressure feeling like my brain is swelling then going down and a weird feeling going down my body) it only lasted a couple of seconds each time, but was so strange. I managed to doze off and had an awful nightmare, again, about people at the window. Since that night I have not been able to go downstairs at night alone.I'm basically living in my bedroom now and can't even shower unless my boyfriend is in the house.
I can't even go in the house if it's gone dark and the lights are off now. We have to have all the lights on. The other night i waited outside for 2 hours until my boyfriend finished work as I couldn't bare to open the front door after coming home from seeing a friend.
I have had nightmares every single night since it started.. 1st about my dad, then my mum, then about being homeless, then about being pregnant (I had an abortion a couple of years ago when in the violent relationship) - I wake up each time after the nightmare roll over, cuddle into my boyfriend and manage to fall back to sleep. But last night when I woke up, I rolled over and for a split second saw a dark figure stood at the side of the bed. Then I had a horrific vision of me and my boyfriend in bed and then someone starts battering him with an axe, I just lay next to him whilst it's happening screaming and crying, the axe hits me to a few times, but doesn't kill me. But my Tom is dead. :'( It was so horrible.
I also feel like i'm going crazy, little things keep happening like this... I had a shoot the other day, on the train home I saw my lace was undone.. I was nearly at the station where I needed to change so waited, got off the train and went to do my lace up, but it was already done up. Confused as I remember thinking to myself I'l just wait until I get off the train! Then there was a lad walking towards me in the waiting area. I turned around for a split second, looked back and he was gone. Unless he ran stupidly fast there was no where he could of gone! It's just a platform with a really high fence one side and a train track the other. :/ .... Then today I was doing a shoot, my fella was in the kitchen (I have a photo-studio set up in my house) and I was shooting in the lounge.. my fella shouted "i'l be back in a minuite ok" and I said to the photographer "who was that" he looked at me oddly and said your boyfriend isn't it? I didn't recognise his voice and completely forgot he was in the house. I paniced thinking someone had opened the front door and walked in.
Here's my story, I dunno if it's necessary to write it all, but I'm guessing it will help people give more of a background of my life to maybe help diagnose what's wrong with me :(
'When I was younger I use to get strapped to my hair chair and forced to watch my dad batter my mum day after day, we ran away/went into refuges etc then he would find us, my mum would take him back and it would happen all over again.. This went on for years and years until we ran away when I was around 9.. We ended up in Devon, we stayed in various shelters/supportive housing etc for a few years then managed to settle down. We had nothing and had to build our lives again from scratch. Once settled the nightmares began, every night, him, stood outside my window with a hammer in his hand (he nearly killed my mum with 1 once, she now has brain damage and epilepsy) waiting for me, I had counselling/therapy (I was only around 12 so mainly involved me playing with toys & having light questions asked etc) it did help, as the nightmares stopped.
In school, I have always been bullied, for everything, my looks, my weight, just for being different etc. I could just never fit in for some reason.. In secondary school it hit next level when I developed boobs quicker & wore make-up, girls started rumours, they spread so much & got so bad I had to leave school, the school threatened to take my mum to court, so I went back for 1 afternoon to see how people reacted to me, it resulted in 1 of the teachers getting hit across the head with a chair just because they wanted to beat me up. After that I couldn't go out for over a year without getting battered by people/adults I didn't even know. It was bad. And obviously with all the violence I had already been through it didn't help me mentally. I left school at 14 and never went back.
My relationship with my mum started suffering when I started self harming at 14, she didn't understand it and would just tell me off, which would upset me and make me wanna do it more and more. She was on drugs and a alcoholic which just made our relationship worse. I had no friends because of what happened at school so I was completely alone. I attempted suicide a few times and have self harmed since.
I went to live with my older sister once my mum went into prison when I was 15, I got a job and tried to be normal, things with my sister weren't great as her husband is a asshole and a bully. 1 day I was out with my and I got a text, they were kicking me out as I apparantly stole a razor :/... I was on the streets again, at 15 years old it was scary. The council put me into a horrible bed and breakfast, it was scary, but I stayed strong and started trying to build my life up.. I soon got put into a house share and things were looking better.
Over the years I have managed to build up a small selection of friends, get my own buisness and start modelling. I met a guy in Manchester through raving (something I love doing as it's the only time I feel like I can be who I wanna be and no one judges me) and spent time with him.. He soon became extremely violent, and like a mug I stayed with him for a year until he left me for another girl. Again, I attempted suicide.
I stayed strong after that though with thanks to raving, travelling around for modelling & keeping my buisness up and running and soon met Tom.I've been with him for over a year and a half now and we have just moved to Manchester from Devon to start our new lives'
I feel like i'm going mad. I'm so scared all the time and all I keep thinking about every single day is ending my life. I keep asking my boyfriend to help me as I'm to scared to do it alone. I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm confused, scared, sad & lonely all the time and scared i'm gunna push my boyfriend away although he swears he will never leave me and will help me through this. I'm in such a negative state of mind and can't seem to find a way out. (Over the years I have taught myself to change my thinking patten to be positive and change every negative to a positive etc but I just can't do it over this last couple of weeks!)
Really am sorry for the essay. I just hope someone can atleast point me in the right direction as to what is happening to me as I feel like a complete freak :(
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