I Just Want To Give Up

[Deleted member 1860]

Not like oh I'm gonna off myself right this minute but I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. For what?

I'm a lot better than I was 4 years ago but most people would still pity me, look down on me, and think I'm pathetic because I still can't work yet. School is a major struggle. I think---for what? I'll never get to actually use any of this knowledge.

And I still am very alone. Anything new dies 5 feet after the starting line when Im asked "so what do you do?" Ugh.

I just feel hopeless. That this is all pointless. If this is as good as it gets, I'm ready to quit. Yeah, life is a gift, yadda yadda yadda....but I never asked to be born. I'm just sick of it all and sick of knowing I'm going nowhere.

Please don't tell me it will get better. Yes it does BUT I always ALWAYS cycle down again hence the impossibility of relationships, work, whatever.

Last night I had a thought. All those tall buildings in the city....why don't more people jump? If I lived in a tall building, I probably would have by now. Impulsivity + Opportunity = a dangerous combination.

I'm not done but I need to get back to studying.

 

[RussH]

Solara, don't give up, and don't stop fighting. Who says you will never be able to use the knowledge you are gaining? Whoever it is; is lying. I admit I don't know your situation, but I do know the human spirit. I know that it can overcome any and all insurrmountable odds thrown at it.

I think of Thomas Edison; he discovered hundreds of ways to not make a lightbulb, before he found one way to make them. Abraham Lincoln lost around 90% of the elections he ran in, and became one of the greatest presidents this country has ever had. I think of the various athletles that have been injured and lost a limb, and still compete, Joni Erickson who broke her neck and is paralized from the shoulders down. She is a reknown artist that paints with her mouth.

Again, I don't know your circumstances; I only know I don't want you to give up. I will not tell you it's going to get better; only you can decide that.

 

[WendyA]

I am sort of in the beginning of my PTSD or at least at the horrible part, so I don't have really any advice. What kind of therapy have you done so far? Im sorry you are having such a hard time :(

 

[DMerish]

I just feel hopeless. That this is all pointless. If this is as good as it gets, I'm ready to quit. Yeah, life is a gift, yadda yadda yadda....but I never asked to be born. I'm just sick of it all and sick of knowing I'm going nowhere.

Dear Solara,

Your statement in bold, "I never asked to be born" is (IMHO) the crutial difference between people who learn to survive, manage and possibly thrive despite what life has thrown at them.

I'm not talking about religion in the sense that God (or some other "higher being") gave you a body and, therefore, you have an obligation to Him to sustain it. And I'm not talking about metaphysics, i.e. that you came into this world and your particular circumstances as a result of reincarnation - I've looked at those things and I've studied them; frankly, I wasn't able to identify with those beliefs to a degree that took away the feeling of "Oh, what's the use?" But something else did.

Maybe you could ponder the question: If you didn't ask for your life, then who did? If it was someone, or something else, that asked (or required) you to be born who or what was it? What was their or it's purpose? If you can't find a satisfactory answer to those questions, then could it maybe, just may be possible, that you did ask to be born? And, if you can try on believing the possibility that you did ask to be born what meaning does that have for you, now????

 

[mytai]

I know you're not my biggest fan Solara, but I still want to reply. Know that I'm not coming from a place of judgement, but understanding.

I'm a lot better than I was 4 years ago but most people would still pity me, look down on me, and think I'm pathetic because I still can't work yet. School is a major struggle. I think---for what? I'll never get to actually use any of this knowledge.

I've been in similar situations with people looking down on me, I have the type of personality that I like to make people eat their words. I show them I'm not who they think I am, or try to at least. Usually in the process I learn a bit more about myself. As for school, I changed programs 3 times. I always started out strong academically, and then barely passed towards the end. There were weeks where I couldn't drag myself out of bed to go to school.

As for work, well I HAD to work. That's the only way I could pay for school. It was a struggle, don't get me wrong, but I only had energy for one task. So if I went to work, chances are I either slept through class or just didn't go.

You would be surprised when you use the knowledge you gain from school. Honestly, I use more of my knowledge in random situations then I do at work, but it has been extremely helpful.

And I still am very alone. Anything new dies 5 feet after the starting line when Im asked "so what do you do?" Ugh.

I can understand those feelings, I'm right there with you for different reasons. I apologize if I'm interpreting this wrong, but with the "anything new dies 5 feet after the starting line" comment, boy do I ever feel that. I feel like a constant failure because of how many things I've picked up or started to do and then shortly after I either stop or fail, or in a lot of cases just plain old don't feel joy from it anymore.

I just feel hopeless. That this is all pointless. If this is as good as it gets, I'm ready to quit. ...I'm just sick of it all and sick of knowing I'm going nowhere.

I just voiced this to my T not even 2 weeks ago. The only advice I can offer is talk to your T about this. If you aren't sure how to, just give them what you wrote here.

And I won't give you the cliche line that things will get better. I have a hard time seeing that myself, and I know being told that isn't helpful. Just know that we are here to support you. Do nice things for yourself. Talk to your T about what you wrote here. Just take it one day at a time.

 

[franciemarnie]

I have known the feelings you are having and have had the same thoughts many times.

I think Winston Churchill is my favorite example of someone who had serious depression and felt his life was a failure by middle age. He didn't accomplish what he wanted to. All his dreams were quashed by one thing or another. In Parliament, everyone told him to shut up about Hitler, he was imagining horrifying future scenarios. He was a figure of contempt. Churchill was of course correct and had his greatest triumphs late in life. But Churchill was wrong about himself too. You never know whats going to happen. Thank God he didn't shut up.

Don't you either.

It's a great thing to know how you feel and to say exactly as you feel. But it's a good thing too to ask yourself - is what I am saying the truth, or is it a feeling?

I spent years reading about people who survived the worst to see how they turned it around. Primo Levi looked at his experience in the camps in a clinical almost detached (he was probably dissociating) scientific way which was his bent since he was a chemist. Sometimes I will try to do that too - observe and see what I can see, see what is true.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Sometimes PTSD is a life sucking drag.

 

[BloomInWinter]

...but most people would still pity me, look down on me, and think I'm pathetic because I still can't work yet.

This is a set of negative cognitions that aren't factual. You are not able to read people's minds to know that is what they think. You aren't able to know how most people truly perceive you until you ask them, and only if they are trustworthy and kind enough to be allowed any input on you at all.

In a time of serious lack of jobs, most people really do not believe those who cannot work are pathetic. Just a few very vocal, rude ones.

My lifelong suicidal ideation never got better until I finally decided to actually try changing how I talk about myself in my head. It not only changed how I felt about my life and self on the inside, but it has made it much easier to see other people in a more compassionate way and be less distressed about things which used to push down my moods.

A cognitive challenge to "most people would..." is thinking something like "I don't care what most people think of me, just what I think of me" or "I have no idea what most people think...and it doesn't matter. I'm still trying, and I deserve to feel good about that."

My experience of life is truly different now that I'm not being the main abuser in my current life anymore. Or even the only abuser. She left, and instead, I now am my own friend and cheerleader at least a good portion of the time. It's raised the bottom on my depression considerably.

 

[Candleflames]

Your post here really hits a nerve with me. I could have written it for myself. You're right about many things. We did ask to be born. That was our parents choice. Things will get better and then hard and then better and then hard and on and on for the rest of our lives. I do live in a city and I know the spots. I think about them and have a few picked out just in case. Sometimes this existence just really really sucks!

I'm still going to tell you that you should hang on and keep trying. Not for any logical reason but for an emotional one. I know you feel alone and not being in a relationship does feel very lonely. I still want to point out that you are indeed liked, wanted and, yes, needed.

I look forward to seeing your name come up and reading what you have to say. I love your blatant honesty and how you lay things bare. I know you get some flack for not sugar coating things, but sweetie, I can't tell you how many time I've clicked like after cheering for what you have written. You have the gnads to write openly what I and others can only hint at. I admire you for that and that makes you one of my favorite people. The world needs people who are brave enough to say the hard truth.

I know my response is a bit forward but I thought you should hear that you are appreciated right now.

 

[ill]

I hate the dreaded "what do you do?" questions so I have a little list of possible answers I keep in my head: Nothing exciting, I'm working on my health issues, a list of hobbies (because I once completely missed the point of what they were asking, but hey, it worked), you could answer studying/being a student. Deflection works too - "Nothing exciting, how about you?" People *love* to talk about themselves. And, frankly, if people give you shit because you're working on your health or yourself, f*ck them. I know it can feel uncomfortable and awkward as hell, but there's nothing wrong with working on yourself or taking time to take care of you. Same thing with the folks who pity or look down on you. It's not easy doing what you're doing, and it does require bravery. If they don't appreciate that about you, they don't deserve you.

How do you feel about the fact that you're not working? Do you accept and respect the fact that you're working on your health and that's a perfectly smart, reasonable, necessary and good thing to do? Do you feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed?

Do you enjoy school? Do you like what you're learning? Do you have to "use" it?

I think the cycle's a normal part of the process, unfortunately, but I do think that eventually the positive pieces begin to last longer than the negative. But hell, sometimes it's even the fact that it's good that can trip us up. And I get you on the inevitable cycle down, but you inevitably cycle back up again too.

Sometimes my reasons for being in the world are very small - a tv show, manga, an activity, or bigger - my kitten or partner or family. Whatever makes you feel good and want to be in the world, please do as much of that as possible. We are so full of memories and thoughts and feelings that feel bad that I think this really simple, stupid thing can help. Or at least it's helped me.

What do you feel like you're fighting? Is it the PTSD symptoms, other people's perceptions of you, your perceptions of you, other things? What would happen if you stopped fighting? Is there a way to make peace with any of the things you're fighting (without going nuclear, i.e. suicide)?

What would your dream life look like? What do you want? Obviously you don't have to answer any of my questions here or elsewhere, but personally, I find it really helpful to think about the first one in this paragraph especially. If I know what I want, what I actually want and not what I think I should want or do or be, I can work backwards and think about how to achieve those things.

Count me in as another who would notice your absence and miss your presence on the board. I know it might not be enough, but there are people here who do care about you and are invested in you and want your happiness.

 

[Bluerose]

I got there, where I just had enough. I felt suicidal but I had already decided that I wouldn’t do that to my kids since my dad did it and it stays with you forever.

So one day, feeling oh sooo bad, I said to myself, “That’s it. I can’t do this any more.” I was ready to give up control - to surrender. I had felt like I was holding onto my sanity by the skin of my teeth but I was exhausted. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I think that’s what they refer to when they say addicts have to hit rock bottom before you can help them. I had hit rock bottom. I was done. It was over. I waited for the crazy to take over. I just stood there in my kitchen and waited.

Nothing happened. I think I actually felt a weight lifting off of me. I gave up the struggle. I surrendered to it and I survived.

It wasn’t an overnight cure but things did begin to improve. And whenever I began to feel so low I would remind myself to surrender to it, because pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

Giving up isn’t the end of the world, and it may actually be the beginning of recovery.

Very, very best wishes.

 

[bell]

Just wanted to say that sometimes I just want to give up, too. I think that despite all the improvement I've made in the past year, I'm never going to be fully "well." And lately I've been taking microsteps toward the whole dating scene and even those have terrified me, which makes me feel so utterly pathetic!

So, @Solara, I don't have much to say in the way of advice, but I hear you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Solara, I have also been there, far too much and for far too long to either minimize those feelings or beliefs. However, I agree with Bloom. Comes a point in time where we have to decide what we want to choose to think (exhausting as it is to counter the thoughts, or ride out the feelings, which I also feel influences what we think greatly). Can you break it down in to one day at a time?

I appreciate your opinion, always. I have struggled with the same questions. I have come to the conclusion no one 'asks' to be born. No one asks for pain, sorrow or loss either. But sometimes the way we look at things changes the perspective. Even for average people life rarely (if ever) goes as planned. Or they reach goals that do not fulfill them as they expected, or bring other concerns and resposibilities.

After many many years of sorrow and self-rejection, I no longer try to define myself by the number of degrees on the wall, or even where I work, although originally I struggled not to. Unlike you I do not have family except for one person, and the relationship is not supportive of revealing I have ptsd, I only wish I could take some time away from work to work on healing or even sleep, I cannot change many environmental stressors, I cannot afford therapy. I do not think anyone would care enough to 'pity' me, frankly- people have their own problems and why should they care. But I don't need nor want pity, and it's up to me to learn to try to hold on to a thought I have value, and am meant to be here, even if I feel I am neither needed, wanted, nor do anything I consider sufficient justification or worth to substantiate my existence

You mentioned being 'sick'- that is better than me, it's taken 30 years to cut myself the slack to not just feel it is my own 'character flaw'. You are healing (as you've said) in many, many ways. I hope you can embrace them, and be proud of yourself. It is critically important that you share them with others.

So what is the point of school, or life, or anything, really? That's unique to you. You will find it, you will refine it, you can do it. We only leave things behind- love, or the opposite.Think of "It's a Wonderful Life". :) It's a human fact of life to feel this way when sensitive and/or exhausted or abused, or under stress, and because ptsd is 'daily' and a long journey. But all good things usually require a lot of fight, and determination. I think everyone you will influence in your life will be more grateful for it and that you will do so more than you may ever know. Whereas I can have compassion, because of how I am, you have courage, which makes you (an irreplacable and infinitely-valuable) 'you'.