I Just Want To Give Up

[Britt.f7]

I hope you see that you have made a difference in people's lives. Just look at some of the posts on here to confirm it.

There has to be hope. My depression has been getting the best of me for the last few days. Crawling into bed, pulling the covers over my head kind of days. I think I understand how you may be feeling. It is then that I remind myself of how far I've come, even though I've slipped again. I also remind myself that I do not want to get as bad as I once was. Seems there is an awful lot of talking one has to do in one's own mind. It has to be positive. That, at least for me, is definitely a difficult thing to do. I try, but, during this difficult time, it really is hard to listen to the Britt I was before I took this recent fall.

I hope you are hanging in there as only you know how to do. My thoughts are with you and so is my hand to hold, if you need it.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Still thinking about you and praying that you are okay!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am at the point where I just want to die. I see no reason in continuing on in a life that has not potential for....anything. As soon as my family dies, I'm out on the streets. Yeah, that's a way to live. I'm tired of being a burden to everyone. I am tired of everyone lying to me constantly just so that I don't hurt myself and then they have to live with the guilt of what I've done. Just for once I wish people would tell me the truth instead of what I want to hear. Stop spoon feeding me BS about how "things get better" blah blah blah no crap, they always get better but then they get worse again, too. I am sick of the roller coaster ride. It is never ending. I have no kids, so no worries there. Why should everyone else dictate whether I live or die? Selfish my arse. More like THEY are being selfish in making me survive for the next 60 plus years being miserable and alone. Yeah, and I am called the selfish one for wanting to die. No, I don't think so. Animals in pain have more rights that humans in pain. At least they can have their lives ended. Nope, humans must suffer until the end. I call BS.

I'm so tired of being alone all the time. I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of hating every single part of who and what I am. I am sick of living a lonely life with no future. I am sick of being looked down upon (STOP.....before you say I'm projecting, I have concrete examples of being put down ad nauseam, so don't say it's all in my head, blah blah blah.)

I'm so tired of TRYING to do good things only to have them thrown in my face. I'm just sick of it all. Honestly, if I die tomorrow, only a few people would even notice that I'm gone, and even so they'd be over it within a day. My life has no meaning and I have no purpose in even being here. I have a happiness journal where you write down one sentence a day of what you've done. Mine is just depressing sentence after depressing sentence. Not exactly what the author of the journal had in mind.

I hate this stupid holiday. I try so hard only to be asked what I want for Christmas and I don't get any of it anyway. What is the point? I don't think there is one, to be honest. My stupid sister is coming into town, the one whom everyone loves and compares to me. She's fabulous while my life is in the toilet. I am tired of her and everyone else looking down on me like I am the scum of the earth.

I think I am going to just skip the holidays this year.

And the thing is that I KNOW this is all my fault! If I was stronger, I wouldn't have PTSD. If I was stronger, I would be able to control my emotions. If I was stronger, I would be employed with a half way decent job and I'd be able to not only make but keep friends and I wouldn't be so damn pathetic.

I've tried asking for help, but just get ignored. I half way think that I should take a taxi to the ER and sign one of those forms that says my name doesn't make it into the hospital directory so that nobody knows where I've disappeared to. It would serve them right. Well, I'm assuming that at least one person would wonder what happened, but if nobody noticed I was gone, it would just prove my point that if did in fact kill myself, there would be no effect whatsoever.

 

[nursenurse]

Well I don't like how you are feeling, I just wanted to acknowledge that you are being read. If you are inclined to go to the ER, then go. You are clearly in crisis. That is the point, you don't have to let anyone know if you choose not to. But I am hoping you reach out for help. A strong person knows their weaknesses and asks for help. Just because you have PTSD does not mean you are weak. You are human. I wish I could take your pain away. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because you would see a thoughtful, intelligent human being who is honest and forth rite and strong, in spite of what she says or thinks about herself on these pages. Go to the hospital, rattle some cages until you get what you need. I deal with this stuff everyday. I know what gets left behind. If you keep cycling like this, then whatever therapy you are getting, if any, isn't working, and it is time for another approach, another doctor, another T. I know it is exhausting. I know how hard it can be. I know it can be done. (((Hugs))) because from here, that and prayers are all I can offer. Your virtual world cares.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Hey Solara,

How are you? I'm hoping you were able to get into the er and get some help. I have been thinking about you and want you to know that I care. I know I'm just a virtual person, but I'm hoping you can still see that we are all here for you.

Theresa

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't go to the ER anymore because it's at least a 3 day ordeal with them holding me for 24-48 hours in the ER and then another day or so in the psych unit where I don't get any real care.

 

[Britt.f7]

Solara, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could say or do something to help relieve what you are feeling. It is so difficult to be in that place that you are at. I've been there, I get it. I had in patient last year, and though it helped some, I think I would find another place to go to to get help. It was a little scary. Maybe that is what you need to do. Find somewhere other then the ER. Demand help. Which, personally, I find hard to do. I usually just end up nodding my head with tears streaming down my face. Not helpful.

I would notice you were gone. I have noticed when you have been gone from some of the posts. Your life has touched mine. Just thought you should know.

 

[WendyA]

Solara, I felt so strange "liking" your post, but I identified so much with the feelings. I don't want you to do anything to end your life but I understand not wanting to go on and be in pain. I don't have answers, just understanding and empathy. Empathy is, in my opinion is not pity or the same as sympathy. It is truly understanding where you are and the feelings and feeling them right along side you. Not me looking down on you feeling sorry for you. I feel the same way as you today.

 

[The Albatross]

... the thing is that I KNOW this is all my fault! If I was stronger, I wouldn't have PTSD. If I was stronger, I would be able to control my emotions. If I was stronger, I would be employed with a half way decent job and I'd be able to not only make but keep friends and I wouldn't be so damn pathetic. .

I think I would examine this thought. There is a whole lot of cognitive dissonance going on (psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously)

For the record, PTSD injury doesn't have a dang thing to do with how strong or not we are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Idk. I think I said something stupid in the card thread before leaving it and now I have no idea what I said. Typical activity when I take my anxiety meds as I don't remember much of anything but seem to piss a lot of people off. I know I had a few choice words for a few family members and friends as well. It's like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't when it comes to meds. Argh.