In a recent discussion with my therapist, she blurts out; "Avoidance is one of the hallmarks of PTSD".
This struck me, as, once again....I had never thought of that! (Damn therapist, with all their insights)
A lil more history: I was also diagnosed about 12 years ago (maybe more) with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Which was diagnosed much later than the time of my abuses (14-17) but....I had already heard most of the "labels"...'Lazy', 'Slacker', "Class Clown', 'Attention Seeker', "Procrastinator' and a panoply of other equally obnoxious descriptions/adjectives attached to myself via "Authorities in the know" by that time. Without saying, I grew up believing much of this and some of these echoes of that past still haunt me from time to time.
I never recall actually going out of my way to "procrastinate", although there were plenty of times when I have been completely distracted...look a skwerl...and I was off doing something else. This has been a part of my history for ever, at least as far as I can remember. So, the word "procrastinate", well, it simply never made sense to me...at least as it was being applied to me.
Yet, if a camera were trained on me and all there was to see was the objective viewpoint of that lens. Procrastination and Avoidance look an awful lot alike! Ya know....simply not doing it (or something). But as I investigate my intent.....then it seems to be a completely different story!
When I 'Procrastinate' I tend to "put things off"...thinking (or lying) to myself that I will do it (something) later, because at the moment, I am in favor of doing something else! Now, as history shows, I may, or may not indeed tend to those things I had "put off"...ultimately paying some sort of consequence later on.
When I "Avoid".....I simply don't want to (period). I typically have nothing else I would rather do, no place I would rather go, no one I would be more interested in speaking with: I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO!
I will go to the ends of the earth in my effort to "Avoid" something. The amount of effort, the plethora of excuses and the absolute obstinate nature of this character component is truly, astounding. But, more often than not....if I try to understand...ask myself why...I get the same child like response "I DON'T WANT TO"
Now, I don't think of myself as stupid or unencumbered with insight....yet if hard pressed...I am at a loss.in explaining it or understanding it. If I had a clear and definable boogeyman to cast blame on, I would do so immediately. But I haven't such boogeymen.
While it is true that I have only begun working with this therapist a short time, I am no stranger to the therapists office. As Buddhist, I am not unfamiliar with self inquiry and examination of the self....but if I could cheat, and perhaps get a lil insight from you good folks as to what my lay beyond that line of "I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO" I would be extremely grateful to ya! (unless of course ya SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO)
I wish you...
Much Peace
Woof
This struck me, as, once again....I had never thought of that! (Damn therapist, with all their insights)
A lil more history: I was also diagnosed about 12 years ago (maybe more) with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Which was diagnosed much later than the time of my abuses (14-17) but....I had already heard most of the "labels"...'Lazy', 'Slacker', "Class Clown', 'Attention Seeker', "Procrastinator' and a panoply of other equally obnoxious descriptions/adjectives attached to myself via "Authorities in the know" by that time. Without saying, I grew up believing much of this and some of these echoes of that past still haunt me from time to time.
I never recall actually going out of my way to "procrastinate", although there were plenty of times when I have been completely distracted...look a skwerl...and I was off doing something else. This has been a part of my history for ever, at least as far as I can remember. So, the word "procrastinate", well, it simply never made sense to me...at least as it was being applied to me.
Yet, if a camera were trained on me and all there was to see was the objective viewpoint of that lens. Procrastination and Avoidance look an awful lot alike! Ya know....simply not doing it (or something). But as I investigate my intent.....then it seems to be a completely different story!
When I 'Procrastinate' I tend to "put things off"...thinking (or lying) to myself that I will do it (something) later, because at the moment, I am in favor of doing something else! Now, as history shows, I may, or may not indeed tend to those things I had "put off"...ultimately paying some sort of consequence later on.
When I "Avoid".....I simply don't want to (period). I typically have nothing else I would rather do, no place I would rather go, no one I would be more interested in speaking with: I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO!
I will go to the ends of the earth in my effort to "Avoid" something. The amount of effort, the plethora of excuses and the absolute obstinate nature of this character component is truly, astounding. But, more often than not....if I try to understand...ask myself why...I get the same child like response "I DON'T WANT TO"
Now, I don't think of myself as stupid or unencumbered with insight....yet if hard pressed...I am at a loss.in explaining it or understanding it. If I had a clear and definable boogeyman to cast blame on, I would do so immediately. But I haven't such boogeymen.
While it is true that I have only begun working with this therapist a short time, I am no stranger to the therapists office. As Buddhist, I am not unfamiliar with self inquiry and examination of the self....but if I could cheat, and perhaps get a lil insight from you good folks as to what my lay beyond that line of "I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO" I would be extremely grateful to ya! (unless of course ya SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO)
I wish you...
Much Peace
Woof
