Needing To Allow Touch And Stay Present

[littlelostchild]

So this phase of my therapy is about being able to reclaim pleasurable touch. At this point we are talking about simply stroking my back during a hug.

The homework assignment was to begin pleasurable touch and I couldn't do it, so during the session this week, we narrowed it down to the assignment above. My psychiatrist had us try it in his office and I lasted about 20 seconds before I had to step away. I felt myself dissociating, but got grounded and stayed. I felt really upset - which I know isn't a feeling, but I couldn't describe how I really felt, because I am typically detached from my emotions. My P encouraged me to feel what my body was experiencing, but I am just having such difficulty letting go to feel. We talked about being in a safe place and my H being a safe person. I really want to do this and my reaction is so illogical.

On the way home, I was really upset which eventually became sad and angry. I was screaming inside my head and close to tears. I don't cry or scream.

I don't know. It is all very upsetting and confusing.

 

[franciemarnie]

Please don't do anything you are not comfortable doing. I don't care if it's a doctor.

I am not familiar with a therapy where the doctor touches the patient unless it is in a physical examination for the purpose of assessing physical health.

 

[digger]

Was this a joint therapy session with your partner, or was it the psychiatrist touching you?

 

[Marf]

I have been through this also. Try not to pressure yourself into a time frame. Let it be and accept yourself where you are right now. It was easier for me at home while watching television with a female friend.

 

[Hashi]

was it the psychiatrist touching you

I thought it was the psychiatrist when I read your post. Please could you clarify? Also about P and H, if you could use full words then it's easier to understand. :)

Assuming that it was your partner hugging you - do you feel you've done enough work on your trauma and generally to be trying this?

I'm a bit confused about trying pleasurable touch when you still don't feel able to articulate emotions. I don't know anything except what you've said here. What you've said makes me wonder how you can contain, process and work through your feelings about physical touch when you can't identify them.

I imagine your feeling upset was related to trauma in some way (either directly to what happened, or due to a history of emotional neglect or abuse). If so, do you feel that's resolved enough that you're ready to try this?

I'm wondering if it would be good to do more other work before you try this kind of exposure. It sounds like you're following a treatment plan with your psychiatrist. I'm not necessarily questioning the wisdom of the plan overall, but wondering if you've done enough on the previous stages and how good a sense your psychiatrist has about that.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thanks everyone - to clarify - my husband is in the therapy sessions to help coach me and it was my husband hugging me.

I was sexually abused by father, grandfather and uncle when I was a child. Affection was usually associated with sexual abuse. My mom was emotionally unavailable - prescription drug and alcohol abuse.

I am currently rocking while reading and responding to this thread. We are going to visit my side of the family and leaving very soon to drive there. I haven't been for a visit since May, but it is Christmas, after all.

I will read again later.

 

[littlelostchild]

I put a pause on the back stroking homework. We will try again tomorrow.

Here's the thing with the emotional processing: I am like the immovable wall. My emotions have been so effectively pushed down for so long that actually feeling and expressing are incredibly difficult for me. I am usually detached when discussing the abuse that I have suffered and I have been working on this intensively for a year and a half. My systems are so well in place that it seems to take dynamite to get movement and I suppose that my psychiatrist is pushing me to show me that I can feel and express emotions without the world stopping turning. And this is certainly pushing things to the surface. I lack experience with emotional processing because my emotions are held at such bay - I guess that is why I am screaming in my head and it takes me so long to figure out why I am 'upset' and what 'upset' actually means.

When my husband and I talked about this, we recognized the importance of moving forward but also that I need to set the pace so that I can feel safe. Wow is this complex and difficult. It is like my emotions are becoming exposed or raw or something and they are so foreign to me - I don't know what to do with them when they come up. And for me touch was usually a precursor to sexual or physical abuse when I was young. When I was older and with my husband (we have been together since we were teenagers), I had totally detached from really feeling the sensuality of myself and his caring touch. The rediscovery of being present during touch and the acknowledgement that for me sexual arousal is linked to abuse are very tough to take. There is also a belief that I do not deserve to be loved or cared for or to have pleasure.

What an impact and so sustained, but damn it, I will fight this.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Sounds a lot like me. I have to ask my therapist what emotion I am supposed to be feeling when he asks how I feel about something. He is like Yoda....so full of knowledge, but as cryptic as hell.

 

[littlelostchild]

I just had my hubby rub my back a little as we embraced before he went out this morning and it was easier. I am feeling sad, but that is ok and I suppose it is to be expected.

My daughter must be telepathic - she phoned within minutes and wished us a Merry Christmas Eve! She is such a sweetie and has got me motivated to get out and go visit her at her store (she manages a retail store not too far from where we live). I told her I would come for a visit this morning, so now I have to get showered and moving. Perfect timing!

 

[littlelostchild]

@Ghostybear73 you made me laugh out loud with the Yoda reference. My psychiatrist actually uses the Yoda phrase 'Do or do not. There is no try.' when I say I'll try to do something and the scary thing is that he gets me because I'm such a geek. LOL