Waking Nightmare

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'll post this here, although it is really a "day-mere" what I'm experiencing. In the past I used to have nightmeres where my parents, sometimes both of them but later on just my dad were hunting me down in order to rape and humiliate me. Inexplicably because he's never done anything like that, although because of the screwed up emotional relations we had with each other, I frequently felt that way.

Since three years or so I don't have those nightmares when I sleep anymore but they've transfered to day-time hallucinations. Sometimes they're weak and I can shake them off more or less but these past few days they're constant, twelve-freaking-hours-a-day. I scream my ass off and make drawings of him dying a horrible death (which helps while I'm doing it) but I can't do that the whole day.

I'm so sick of it, I want to be able to just be myself again, not having rape between my ears constantly...

 

[Abstract]

This sounds dreadful. Have you ever dealt with the nightmares, the concepts, in therapy specifically? Have you deal with the hallucinations?

The way I understand it these things can be about powerful concepts rather than literal interpretations.

because of the screwed up emotional relations we had with each other, I frequently felt that way.

This is probably what your brain is insisting you deal with in one way or the other.

 

[macca]

I have only had nightmares like this, not during daytime, but like you my Dad never did that to me, though he was emotionally abusive. I wish I knew what to suggest - all I can think of is trying to ground yourself, as if it were a flashback (even though it didn't happen). I hope you get some peace from it soon.

 

[arfie]

I went through years of "day-mares." For a long time I called it, "phase shifting." My shrink of the phase thought it was connected to my amnesia. "Memories are not dreams," she theorized. "You are processing memories that have been buried in your sub-conscious longer than the average sub-conscious confusion. Your psyche is redefining neural pathways."

Whatever the validity of her theory, the day-mares have pretty much gone away as I have regained free flow of my childhood memories.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Abstract I haven't, but now I'm wishing that I did sooner. I've always been too ashamed to mention this kind of stuff in front of anybody. In fact nobody knows except you guys, but I guess my brain is forcing me to "come out". Yaiks...I'll see her (my therapist) again on Januari the 2nd so I suposse I should keep myself to the promise I'll tell her...

I don't have amnesia, sometimes I wish I did. I suposse amnesia can be difficult too, but I remember all of it, and actually frequently have made a sort of unconscious decision to block things out for months, except now apparently I can't. Most of the time, it's more of an unwillingness to face the memories, so Abstract is probably right about my brain insisting on it...

I just found another way to "ground" myself, although I'm not sure how long it'll help. It's better than nothing. I'm a student pilot, so envision myself in the cockpit and my dad sitting in the rear (it's a skydive plane, so it has a nice foldable door right there). Then at five thousand feet I drop him. This may sound unbelievably cruel xD But what he does to me in my imagination is also extremely cruel.

So I continue my flight without him, in a clear sky full of freedom again. Illegal passengers who don't ask for permission and pay no fares, are not welcome...

 

[EverOnly358]

The way I understand it these things can be about powerful concepts rather than literal interpretations.

This same thing happened to me... horrible nightmares of my father chasing me and hurting me in various ways, followed by him trying to kill me. This went on for years. I became so used to it, it was easy to blow off these dreams. Then in August, the dream changed, and that freaked the shit out of me. A while later, I had a conscious nightmare, and it was devastating, but eventually, healing.

In fact nobody knows except you guys, but I guess my brain is forcing me to "come out." Yaiks...I'll see her (my therapist) again on January the 2nd so I suppose I should keep myself to the promise I'll tell her...

It was so hard for me to finally open up and I second guessed myself constantly. But it's such a good thing to do, so do it for you and keep that promise to yourself!

 

[shimmerz]

I have day-mares as well. I honour them because they are my nightmares coming farther up in consciousness. Scary as hell but still a good sign as far as I am concerned.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Man, I hate consciousness xD

 

[shimmerz]

LOL. Yes. I am known for freezing and playing possum as my responses. I am slowly trying to get to flight and fight and then neutral. I don't like any of this stuff and don't feel I deserve it at all. However, it is mine, and whatever it takes I gotta walk through this. I refuse to die this way.

 

[EverOnly358]

Love your avatar, @shimmerz. Great choice. @Radise, I've been afraid of roller coasters for years and I've thought about jumping out of a plane, but the idea of both of these was always too terrifying. But I'm thinking now it might be worth another try.

EverOnly

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Pfff.... well I just went through another mental-rape-attack. It was pretty freaking intense and this time I couldn't even avert it by watching airplanes fly with top-volume soundtracks and imagining I was in there and dumping dad out. I took to watching a clip that a friend of mine made on youtube, it's himself singing. I love him dearly so that kind of helped.

But everytime I find something I think works, the mental shitstorm comes back more intense. To tell you the absolute truth I was reeling towards suicide just an hour ago... so I found this site called 113 online (Netherlands) and signed up for some free email theraphy... maybe they can help me be more honest with my therapist. And I can call them the next time it gets this bad.

Geez, I'm exhausted now. Time to prepare for sleep :sleep:
Thanks for all your help!!

 

[Abstract]

Radise, I really encourage you to speak to your t about this. Please remember that nothing is forever. Intrusive stuff can be helped. Hang in there.

Maybe let us know how it goes? Sending out a plastic bubble for you to keep you away from harm. It sounds like your father has a lot to answer to.