Gender and self injury by cutting

[Hashi]

i turned to body modification and tattooing early in my twenties as a way to focus those feelings into something I find more expressive.

Oh.... I haven't been able to get a tattoo. I was actually going to, had the design, was planning to go with a friend, then had a dream about it being a bad idea so I pulled out. I was going to say that was before the relevant trauma, but I'm getting confused - it was after the trauma but when I still had amnesia over it. Hmmmm....

That friend I was going to go with now has several tattoos that are visually and symbolically beautiful. I like your idea of doing this.

 

[Lost Pup]

This is a really interesting and slightly upsetting discussion for me. I've only self-harmed in a direct physical assault on my body way a few times. Cigarette burns initially (which thankfully did not scar) and later cutting on one arm with a razor blade. I am a man, btw, for those that don't know.

There are a few generalizations upthread that seem a bit broad and that very much do not match my own experience of the other male survivors of CSA that I know. Perhaps the people I know are a bit self-selecting because they are actively seeking help and healing, but it would be hard to imagine a more externally gentle lot. Self-loathing and aggression in spades but definitely not violent towards others or even very much so outwardly aggressive.

I think the generalizations bother me a bit because I feel like a bit of gender dysphoria was one of the effects of my own abuse and I suspect this is true for many other men (who were abused by men when young).

 

[digger]

There are things that were done to me during trauma that I want to do to myself, as self harm.

I'm not going to go into detail, but just wanted to say I can identify with this and that you're not alone with it. I haven't really figured out why this is but I am wondering if it has something to do with physical things healing faster than the mind and how it somehow doesn't seem right that the physical injuries and feelings aren't still there when mental ones are still so strong? maybe? Need to think that one through a bit more.

The other, deliberate self harm I want to do is either to shock myself into a different state of mind or to punish myself. Being aware of that helps me to not do it.

Awareness and understanding are key to me too which is why it's something I have spent a lot of time examining this for myself. This hasn't always been the case, but now I am usually able to go beyond the urge to harm and try and see what's behind it. Sometimes I can find other ways to meet the need it is indicating, sometimes not but just being aware of what it is can still stop me.

Wanting/needing to shock myself into a different state of mind is probably one of my main reasons and earliest reasons. Punishing myself less so, but there have been times when it has been about that.

and I wondered if other people felt that there's a difference between cutting and other types of self harm, or if this is only me.

Yes, I would say there is a difference for me between the different ways I self harm. The second and third links I put in my original reply go someway to explaining that I think but I'll try and expand on it a bit more here regarding cutting in particular.

Apologies in advance if this is too graphic for anyone but I'm not sure how to explain it otherwise...

Cutting for me is not about feeling pain so does not shock me out of my current state of mind in the same way as other methods which cause pain would. When I cut I don't really feel it at the the time and even after, the pain isn't intense enough to provide a strong distraction, so I don't think it's about that.

I think cutting is maybe more about release and is perhaps a more visual, symbolic kind of thing. Hitting, burning, biting etc...I don't have to see myself doing those things and they don't necessarily leave a mark always, they are about physically feeling something. Cutting, I watch myself cut, and I wonder if maybe the opening of the skin in this way is symbolic of needing to let something out, release something....the fact that cuts bleed maybe adds to this.

In addition to this there is an element of aftercare to cuts, needing to look after yourself, repair wounds etc. And it is also something that you can watch heal which maybe has some therapeutic benefit.

I also sometimes get imagery of more extreme cutting in my mind...stuff that I wouldn't actually do because it would require medical intervention afterwards, but is obviously still indicating some kind of need in me (see third link in original post)

i turned to body modification and tattooing

Interesting...I have several piercings, but have never actually linked them to meeting the same needs as self harm. Same with tattoos, I don't actually have any at the moment but am considering getting some to cover some of my scars...again though it feels almost opposite to self harm to me. Will think some more on that :)

 

[Abstract]

I think the generalizations bother me a bit because I feel like a bit of gender dysphoria was one of the effects of my own abuse and I suspect this is true for many other men (who were abused by men when young).

I can see this Lost pup and I am sorry if I contributed in any way. I do think of people as people and I certainly don't think of men who have been abused as aggressive or stereotyped. I do imagine those who are ex combat may be this way inclined a bit more because of training and possibly to a lessor extent, temperament. Probably goes for ex combat women too.

Interestingly, in the research, burning was a common method for women as was hitting walls and doors, all of which they assumed would be more common in men. Personally I think a lot of this stuff depends about our personal temperament and accidental links between types of self harm, trauma and other factors. And how we are socialised. If we have been trained to avoid acting out in aggression or discouraged.

Would you feel able to say more about what you have seen in treatment? I would be interested.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for that digger. I have got a little something from it relating to cutting. Have a few things I want to say but will come back.

 

[kahlan]

Digger, for a period of time, having someone poke holes in me or the pain to numbing feel of a tattoo gun was intensely relaxing. I tended to go for different things when I'd be especially stressed, and the outcome was more "aesthetically pleasing" than a jagged scar on my arm or leg.

I don't know, maybe I'm strange, in this :s

The fact that someone else, who happened to be a good friend as well, was the one causing the pain alleviated some of the guilt of harming myself maybe too.

 

[digger]

I don't know, maybe I'm strange, in this

I don't think it's strange, I kind of get it, I just don't view it as harmful.....It sounds more like a positive response to stress to me, more like self care than self harm.....but maybe I'm a bit strange too ;)

 

[digger]

but maybe I'm a bit strange too

Actually...there's probably no 'maybe' about it ;)

 

[Abstract]

I will join the strange brigade! :D

I think one of the main things about self harm is that I am doing it. Probably a control thing...

 

[kahlan]

@Hashi each piece I have centers around something significant in my life. The tattoos tend to be a riminder of how much I've grown (the largeish piece on my left arm partially covers scars and also the first I got after leaving a controlling relationship: reminder to not let that happen again, to the small tribal on my wrist as a tribute to a good friend I lost to his own inner turmoil). I also used "play piercings" and another body mod procedure for general anxiety release. I referred to it jokingly as pain therapy.

I don't suggest this unless you are comfortable with the person that does it ( I was very good friends with the tattooist and the mod artist).

 

[digger]

each piece I have centers around something significant in my life.

That's interesting too...most of my piercings are similarly significant...which is probably why I view them positively. It seems to me to be a more proactive thing as oppose to reactive as I think self harm is.

 

[kahlan]

It was more replacing the ugly with something more positive...I agree, but it still had the release factor that I felt I needed. Yup I'm strange :p O_o