Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

[Abstract]

I don't know why I can't feel like I belong

Thanks Venusian. You expressed some of what I feel. I guess part of what I have been thinking since I started reading this thread is that some of it is an internal thing for me. That maybe there is little that can be done from the outside to make me feel I belong when I have the internal stance of not belonging. That is only part of the big picture but it feels important for me.

 

[Abstract]

holes in my brain

@Hashi I am sure the holes are mine and not yours. I will try to think of a different way of saying it. I have a very eccentric way of thinking at times. I suspect it comes from doing almost all my processing of things without others input when I grew up as I lived in a world inside my head.

 

[Abstract]

the fear of a terrible after-death. I see no fundamental value in the world.

This is terribly powerful and I am sorry this is how it is for you Hashi. A little like being caught between a terrible rock and hard place. It seems you are chipping away at finding a means to feel engaged in living and I am sure you will find something that works or will build little steps up to something that gives you enough.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Hashi , it is a rock and a hard place I also understand. For what it's worth, more people actually have the kind of life-after-death experience you described than a positive one, that's a little known fact people rarely speak of or are even aware. I sometimes wonder if it relates to what neurons, memories, and biochemical processes are in play? Such as the difference of how people react to drugs (eg morphine) at any given time, or when we have a nightmare versus a pleasant dream. At the particular moment in time everything can be ok but our mind might be triggered to generate one or the other.

In an odd way it has kept you alive. I recall reading as a kid in the Guiness Book of World records (a book I had won in school) on how a stewardess 'fell out' of a plane at 32000 feet and managed to survive with solely a broken leg and broken hip. It has always prevented me from thinking jumping off of anything would be a 'guarantee'! ('my luck', sic :rolleyes: )

Leaving out the internal, perhaps some groups or people are simply not places we belong to, or individuals that we feel a sense of belonging with, as well. I was going to push myself to do something today as a group, then recalled zero interest or feedback when I had questions as an individual ('myself'). I thought why show up as part of a group when it didn't matter when I asked on my own? Best they determine as a group what they want, and I do whatever. More often than not it equates to the bottom line (realistically).

What you said helps me, perhaps 'belonging' need not even be a desire, anyway? I used to get mad at myself, or feel badly, that I do not have a voice. I've come to the conclusion now I don't care. In fact, beyond that since it's fruitless I opt not to keep trying. There is no point. I have always tried to give the benefit of the doubt, but actually some things are personal, no point talking in to the blue.

@Venusian , I can relate to that. Actions mean more than words, it's hard to see words here (on the forum) and think of them as actions. But I have noticed if you are here or not, more than noticed, have (and continue to) wish you well and hope you are ok. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

What you said helps me, perhaps 'belonging' need not even be a desire, anyway? I used to get mad at myself, or feel badly, that I do not have a voice. I've come to the conclusion now I don't care. In fact, beyond that since it's fruitless I opt not to keep trying. There is no point. I have always tried to give the benefit of the doubt, but actually some things are personal, no point talking in to the blue.

You've put that really well, Junebug.

I think people often find it hard to understand when a desire isn't there. I find that in things like people thinking I must be lonely and lacking for not being in a relationship. They're only projecting their own ideas about relationships onto me, but so many people share their view there's a tendency to think it's a fact rather than an opinion.

 

[Abstract]

If I didn't post another thing no one would even notice or care if I was gone. It is the same in the rest of my life, if I was gone no one would notice, just like when I was 5.

This is very sad Venusian and I suspect it isn't true. I don't know you really but would notice you are no longer here and I am sure many others would too. It makes me wonder who would notice in real time. I hope that is OK to say.

 

[Abstract]

It's funny as belonging is something I never looked at or spent any energy on so it has taken some time for me to formulate my feelings a bit more clearly.

I have a better sense of what it isn't and is for me.

For me it isn't about feeling accepted. I see that as something a little different although I can recognise why it would be an important part of things for others.

I think I see belonging as a little concept rather than it needing to be profound and deeply felt. If I look at a profound deeper level belonging then I would choose the no belonging to anything option. I must point out that that doesn't feel horrible or awful just in case that wasn't evident in my first post. Just a mild sort of observation.

Because it doesn't have to be deep or profound I feel it doesn't have to be two ways - accepted and accepting, being valued and valuing. A sense of recognition in something qualifies as part of me having some sense of belonging.

I have been trying to identify this sense of resistance I feel and I now think there are a few sides to it. I find the word itself problematic. For me that is. It denotes a sense of the loss of autonomy or independence and I think I associate that with my family life. I am fiercely independent in some respects and part of that is a need to evade control. Belonging feels internally like there would be a loss of my freedom. I think this is the main area where very negative resistant feelings are coming up when I read it.

The other is a sense of safety and strength in not belonging. I think that goes on at the same time as liking and being drawn to places and things where I sense a familiarity or sameness or where I respect or appreciate something as important to me. I don't feel this emotionally but intellectually I wonder if it is a defence. I have started realising that connection denotes risk for me. It makes sense that that may be reflected in this issue too.

Paradoxically (just for a change) lack of recognition and sameness or connection can also feel like a safety issue for me.

I can understand what people are saying about belonging coming from within. I just don't relate to that for myself. I can be my authentic self, but unless I can find a place/space that I even want to be in there's no feeling of belonging.

For me when I say it is an internal thing it isn't about being my authentic self. It is about allowing myself to want to belong and allowing myself to feel I belong. If I don't have these then others can do what they want and my environment can be everything it needs to be but I won't feel belonging.

Internal belonging for me is also not about the world on the outside and accepting it or wanting to/not wanting to. Internal belonging is a sense of inner peace. A lack of looking or gaining from around me or anywhere. It is a neutral space that is what it is.

Being accepted, and knowing that I'm accepted, on its own doesn't make me feel like I belong

I don't believe this would ever make me feel a sense of belonging. If I am not accepted but I recognise something that is important to me or that I know reflects part of myself then that would still be enough for me to have some sense of belonging.

I think belonging for me is about recognition of something that is important to me or that is similar to some part of me.

The idea of the bookclub and there being a me shaped space there feels claustrophobic to me. It feels restrictive.

Junebugs word "affinity" resonates with me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, but even then one has to wonder, there can only be afinity if both parties are genuine and not acting.

I think I have done things in the understanding of pushing out of my comfort zone that demoralize me and reinforce what I already knew about myself. Far greater an accomplishment on Hashi's part if you ask me to leave it alone.

 

[ms spock]

I find that in things like people thinking I must be lonely and lacking for not being in a relationship. They're only projecting their own ideas about relationships onto me, but so many people share their view there's a tendency to think it's a fact rather than an opinion.

I thought as a society we had moved a little beyond this, but I was incorrect.

 

[ms spock]

It is possible to be alone without feeling lonely. I believe it has a lot to do with what we think we need. And we can be wrong sometimes. We might not need as much as we think we do in order to be well.

I am trying to read this thread and I am finding it hard but that is very interesting. The whole concept of thinking we need more than we do. Something to ponder.

 

[Abstract]

I just wanted to add that I think my feelings about the word itself make it difficult to think clearly when it comes to this. For example what I said before doesn't lesson how profoundly healing it is to find others who experience similar things on this site or how important that is for me.

 

[Bluerose]

Abstract,

True. But the healing comes from internalising what you read and found helpful. Reading it alone won’t do it. You’re still the one who does the work of putting what you found useful into practise.