Venting!

[SMC_1987]

For the longest time I was hiding the PTSD from my spouse.

When we met I was in college and a completely different person. He often reminisces on how carefree and happy I used to be, "I wish you were happy, I wish you would smile more" is something I hear quite frequently. Over time I have transformed from a very light hearted, positive, happy individual to just simply angry. Very, very, angry. I project this on to him for reasons that are even unknown to me and often times it seems like just being around him can provoke me for the simplest reasons. I'm angry about my past, I'm angry about the things I have seen at work that haunt my dreams and numb my emotions, I take it out on him and I don't know why. Even when I'm in the middle of attacking him for something that has nothing to do with why I'm upset part of my brain wheezes "why are you doing this to him? Its not his fault. Just stop, say you're sorry." I'm also very, very tired of being sorry for the way I am, and I'm sure he's tired of me having things to be sorry about too.

It got to a point where my "condition" (for lack of better terms) was getting so bad that I would simply shut down and not talk to him at all. I finally had to break and explain to him what I was experiencing, I hated feeling that vulnerable, it really bothered me. Next to him, my brother and father who are both war veterans that also experience PTSD are the only people who know. My friends see me as a strong, independent, confident, woman who has fought for everything she has in life and come out on top. Really, the SMC they know is the SMC I used to be. I don't feel that way on the inside anymore. I feel pretty hollow most of the time, I describe it as just existing as opposed to actually living and feeling. It takes a lot for me to feel excited about anything at all.

I did my best to explain to him what PTSD is, how its effecting me psychologically, how it happened. His response was "just think more positive, choose to be happy, etc." which only serves to irritate me because if I could just choose to get over this I certainly would do so. I encouraged him to do his own research about PTSD so that he could understand it better but he still maintains his stance of "it will go away soon," when the truth is I could possibly never be 100% whole again, but rather find better ways to cope to be the best "normal" I can be while living with it. During Christmas vacation my dad and brother had a "man chat" night with him over some beers and the topic came up, surprisingly things have gotten a little better since then. Whatever they said must have helped him to understand a little more, fingers crossed it keeps going in that direction.

For a very long time I resented him for not being more understanding about what I'm going thorough, but my father said something to me that really opened my eyes: "You can't expect him to understand SMC, he doesn't see what you see, he doesn't do what you do. He goes to work and deals with a different type of stress. His life isn't at risk every day, he's never witnessed violence, he doesn't have to watch out for his buddy's back on the job. No one can understand what thats like except for the people who have been there and done it." (My spouse is a Real Estate Agent. I'm a Deputy Sheriff, just for clarity.)

I often tell him that I would understand if he couldn't do this anymore and that I wouldn't hold it against him. I feel like I'm making him suffer through this with me and thats not fair, it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't want to be alone but I'm not sure I should be with anyone until I figure out how cope better. Does anyone else have this issue of projecting on the one person thats there for you? It makes no sense to me...I don't know why I do it...

 

[Meghan87]

I can relate to a lot of things you have mentioned! It is exhausting to feel the way you feel. I know I felt like I was in a constant battle with myself it was awful and I still do at times, I have learned to manage most of my anger now and am suffering more from daymares and anxiety but it does get better if you work at it!! Took me a long time and a lot of work, therapy was a tremendous help!! And when I felt that I couldn't physically got to therapy I picked up a book , there are many helpful ones out there that truly make a difference.

I am thankful everyday that my Fiancé is strong enough to handle my roller coaster rid of emotions and although he will never really understand what I am going through he does understand that whatever it is its tough, he knows that the things I say and do when I am having a bad day are not who I am and has become even more caring since I made the step to seek help to stop the pain and suffering I was putting myself through by being so angry and resentful and just plain hateful to myself and others... its a long, up and down battle but the good days are really really good now and they are happening more frequently <3 Love is a very powerful thing, with love, patience and a summoning of strength we will get through this and life will get easier with time... it may never go away but having the tools to know what to do and actually using them daily will help...it will become automatic after awhile... we were not born negative or angry we learn to be that way and unfortunately some of us go through terrible things and become that way but it can be unlearned and coping can become as natural as a the waves of the almighty ocean. :) We all as humans experience life differently and deal with things we go through differently and we heal differently but there is always a way to unlearn the terrible coping mechanisms we use and replace them with positive ones!

I wish you the up most best of luck and love on your journey to recovery. :) I hope that I was in some way helpful if even only for a moment.

 

[Tswevnz]

Hey SMC!

It was almost to the point of CREEPY reading your story! Because honestly lol - it's like you had spied on me and then decided to write about it hahaha. We have very similar characters, outlook in life and when you told me about your resentment & anger towards people saying "think positive" I felt such a RELIEF that I'm not alone!

Seriously, I just dumped someone because it INFURIATED me so much this lack of understanding. To tell someone to chose to be happy ...That to me...Well you wouldn't ask a cancer patient to "choose" to be healthy ? It's not how it works. You need medication and treatment.

Asking anybody with mental illness to simply "choose" not to have a problem - is virtually denying the existence of physchiatri & psychology. If anybody could choose not to have a problem - we wouldn't need hospitals.

I've thought a lot about the anger thing. Me too struggled a lot with controlling the mood and I always took it out on my ex.

I think there are 2 ways to see it:

1 )It's a defense mechanism because you are pushing him away. Sometimes when we have traumas we lose something. By controlling how you are losing something by pushing them away - it's like you are preparing for the loss before it has happened and to prevent hurt and surprise, you control it.

2)In a f*cked up way you can be angry with your partner because you love him, you feel safe enough to vent your energy. I know it's twisted and trust me I've felt the anger you talk about.

The thing is though - most in life is energy. Say for example anger. Anger comes from somewhere and from what I've gathered from my research...our biggest feign triggering anger is fear. So this is how I am trying to come to terms with my anger problem.

Firstly when I feel like throwing a was on the wall or scream my lungs off in frustration...Lol you know that feeling. I stop in my tracks. I tell myself that yes - I know my brain is telling me I'm super angry and I'm a mega bitch right now...BUT somewhere in the back I have a voice saying ,try not to react now. Particularly if you are mad with someone... Just go away. DON'T say how you feel tight that minute! Walk away and tell you're self that if you still feel the same in 2 hours time then you can react.

I normally find that what seemed to be an issue really isn't a few hours later lol. :)

Anyway- bedtime here in NZ! Thank you for the thread - you are not alone!

Cheers e

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I hope this makes sense-

The f*cked up thing isn't that he doesn't understand. It sounds like you didn't have the most honest situation with him... we all do this, hiding from the flaws instead of seeking to gain power over them.

The fear of not being seen as worthy if our true flaws become known. This is the most primal instinct we have, that's why you did it. That's why I do it, every step of the way from the nothing to lose carefree self of 10 years ago, to the encumbered heavy one of now.

What he's saying, maybe, is internal hopes. Wants it to be over soon. Wants you to make some choices that lead to being happier. He hopes to see things get better,


and you're right there is no 100% recovery from such a condition. The only recovery is awareness-- once aware we can access choices that make us happier and give us power over these flaws.

A lofty authentic goal... to gain power to just say f*ck it, before I kick the bucket, f*ck hiding, this is my weakness and I am determined to subdue it by dragging it out into the open. "Accept or reject me... help me with my struggle, or get out of my way"

 

[SMC_1987]

To tell someone to chose to be happy ...That to me...Well you wouldn't ask a cancer patient to "choose" to be healthy ? It's not how it works. You need medication and treatment.

Its funny because I used this example one time, but he doesn't quite see it that way. I guess I could see that if someone has never suffered any form of mental illness before, that comparing PTSD to a tangible, physical, illness could seem pretty extreme. To us though, its perfectly accurate because we know what its like to suffer inside your own head while projecting an outward mask of "normal." Man, its freaking exhausting.

Firstly when I feel like throwing a was on the wall or scream my lungs off in frustration...Lol you know that feeling. I stop in my tracks. I tell myself that yes - I know my brain is telling me I'm super angry and I'm a mega bitch right now...BUT somewhere in the back I have a voice saying, try not to react now. Particularly if you are mad with someone... Just go away. DON'T say how you feel tight that minute! Walk away and tell you're self that if you still feel the same in 2 hours time then you can react.

When I try to do this he sees me as being dismissive of the argument at hand and "not dealing with it," he hates it when I walk away. That part he definitely doesn't get.