Relationship When Is It Just Ptsd And When Is An Abusive Relationship With Someone With Ptsd?

[scout86]

Sorry to hear that. That had to be a tough choice. Best of luck going forward.

 

[Sandi79]

I asked him if he cheated. He said no, and I believe him. It would have made it easier if he had. Then I could hate him. I let him go because he made some valid points. The things he needs right now are not "normal" (he needs to have people not be around him, not talk to him to relax; he needs to not be touched sometimes, he's angry all the time,etc) and for it to make it possible for him to live here, my children and I would have to make adjustments that just aren't healthy. After these past few days I have learned his issues didn't start with Iraq, it started with an abusive childhood. Which is why it makes sense that he continues to live at his parents house at age 34. I know its common to be attached to your abuser. I've learned a lot. I think I will take time for me. The things I did to help him, I realize now, were more than any one person should put themselves through and I think I need to get help for that.

 

[Sandi79]

So two things happened this morning. One, facebook lady sent me a screenshot of their messages. It did not prove he cheated, but it was hurtful. He wasn't flirty but it was enough to upset me. I texted it to him and he was angry...and not at me for once. He said he wanted to cut off her fingers. He said that I should send her a screenshot of that. He said he wanted to break her kneecaps and that neither he or I needed this right now.

Two- His dad is getting his stuff on Friday. But we agreed to see each other when he gets back..not date, but speak in person, for closure, and he has my key and garage opener. He said he would like to stay friends when I asked. I dont know how that will go. We've never been good at "just friends", we tried that before.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So sorry about the added drama Sandi.

I know you believe that he was not physically cheating on you, but remember, PTSD doesn't excuse cheating, sneaking, or lying. It is very easy to fall into the trap of excusing all their actions with "It's the PTSD making him do X,Y, or Z."

He said he wanted to cut off her fingers. He said that I should send her a screenshot of that. He said he wanted to break her kneecaps and that neither he or I needed this right now.

You need to watch yourself around him if he is talking like this, even about somebody else. Just because you haven't seen him have a violent temper doesn't mean he doesn't have one, especially if he is untreated and stressed.

Good luck.

 

[Nicolette]

I've only read the title of this thread and cringed as it's the same repeating subject.

When you post you can see similar threads which I recommend you read

and here are some I've bookmarked over time:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-a-reality-check.13743/#post-173979
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-we-choose-not-to-see.10797/#post-152942
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/ptsd-the-impact-on-relationships-continued.4941/#post-81729
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-hardest-thing-i-have-had-to-do.9102/#post-136415

You can see my other bookmarks which are all public.

 

[Sandi79]

This just gets worse.

My dad said to not have his parents come get his things, that no matter what, HE needs to do it because HE made the decision to move in and he has to be the grown up and move out if he is wanting that. I told him mom that, she got mad at me and hung up

His parents enable him. Anytime life happens he runs off to them and they let him come home. He is not a child. Life happens. They should have told him to go home, talk it out, whether we break up or not, and resolve it. No hide away like a fugitive

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would honestly just put his stuff outside and let his dad pick them up. Drama and stress is not good with PTSD. Just be done with it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're done with him, why does it matter who picks up his stuff? What matters is that it is gone. I think you want him to pick it up so that you can see him or enact control on the situation.

 

[Sandi79]

Im going to see him regardless. He manages properties for my dad and has to come here to get the key, we had agreed to talk then.

I am not a controlling person. Im extremely passive. But yes, I think that since it was his idea to live together and his decision to leave, he should be the adult and get his own things. He is a grown up, he cannot just cut and run having his parents clean up the mess. He needs to take responsibility.

 

[nursenurse]

It isn't a time to be digging in heels. Whoever picks it up is just fine. If he lets his Dad do it, it tells you more about his character. Another reason to keep the door shut. I think your Dad needs a new property manager. What a mess, it will all work out eventually, just stay strong.

 

[Sandi79]

My dad separates business from personal. My bf/exbf needs the money, and my dad knows thats. After finding out his dad beat him and his siblings and thats why they are all messed up, I'd prefer he stay as far away from me as possible.

 

[nursenurse]

This different. It is you. Does it bother you? It would me for sure, I am not that easy going. However, I am off my soap box about it, if you are okay with it :)