Encountering Ignorance

[InsideAWord]

I confided in a friend that I have PTSD and the conversation could not have spun out of control even more than it already have.

First thing my friend asks is, "Oh... wow... do you think I have PTSD?"

And of course I'm taken aback and just say, "What?"

"Do you think that I have PTSD? You know, because I'm sad and stuff."

I just basically said that if she had suffered a traumatic event that she never told me about, then I guess, maybe. "But you would have to see a mental health physician or a therapist to be diagnosed," I told her.

"Oh, WHOA! So, you're like not even just guessing? You like went to therapy and everything and they told you that PTSD is what's wrong with you? ... That sucks..."

...What? So, there was something obviously wrong with me? And why is it so unbelievable that I went to therapy? Wouldn't I go to therapy to not only deal with my issues but also figure out what the hell is going on in my head?

And, I was obviously confiding in my friend for a reason. I wanted to talk about my traumatic event with someone who I thought wouldn't judge me. But, she just took the whole conversation and spun it to be a mock-therapy session where she tried to figure out how she (does not) may have PTSD.

I felt let down and really disappointed in my taste in friends.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience. Only after I confided in my friend, the response was an ENTHUSIASTIC "me too!!!!!" (Imagine a teenager disclosing who she's crushing on to her best friend and her friend responding that way. Yeah, weird.)

Yes, my friend has experienced trauma, but her response just threw me. I don't know if she actually has PTSD, as she seems to collect diagnosis'. But, I shouldn't judge. Maybe she does have it after all. I just think that most of us who have it don't want it, and we're sure as heck not that excited about it. But I digress.

I think what hurts is that for once we think we can disclose the PTSD/trauma, but the response is a selfish one at that. Instead of being supportive, they turn the focus back on themselves. This is especially hurtful to someone like me who never likes to talk about myself. I try once in a blue moon and I'm shut down. :(

Maybe we are both bad at choosing friends?

 

[InsideAWord]

I just think that most of us who have it don't want it, and we're sure as heck not that excited about it.

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders, shake her, and scream, "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO DRIVE?! JUST DRIVE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I'M GOING TO SHATTER INTO A MILLION PIECES?!"

I dunno -- I've heard of people faking mental illnesses like in high school to make them seem more complex or mysterious or some crap. But, especially after experiencing some of the more surreal symptoms of PTSD (like my first flashback that made me think I was losing my mind), I just want to clarify to her how debilitating some symptoms are on some days. This encounter wasn't meant to be some glamorous and glorifying skit off Sex and the City or Girls -- this was meant to be a young woman talking to another young woman about something serious, and it just turned into some scripted crap.

 

[Samantha_38]

I don't know how old you are, which may or may not be relevant. People in general, but for sure teenagers (you just mentioned high school above so that's why I thought, maybe a teenager), definitely don't always know how to handle things like this. Is it possible she just didn't know what to say? Or maybe she doesn't actually really know what PTSD is, especially the sorts of things you go through, and how and why it is so difficult. Obviously, this doesn't make it any easier on you. I can understand why you are hurt that she reacted this way. Maybe she will surprise you and actually be very supportive once she's had some time to comprehend what you told her. I hope this is the case, because it sounds like you were really good friends. Just about everyone I told (which is only about 4 people) about my trauma did not react like I thought they would, or in a way that really helped the situation. Like in your case, their responses definitely made me feel worse. Most of them did become a lot more supportive later though.

 

[InsideAWord]

Myself and my friend are 23 years old and I would consider ourselves pretty successful and responsible young adults for our age. But, I was just completely caught off guard by her response.

 

[arfie]

I believe it was my expectations which caused my problems during my early disclosures. Ignorance is a natural part of first disclosures. No matter how much I have read and studied the phenom, my friends are not in the textbooks. They have not read the same scripts. They have not lived the same circumstances. Ditto for me. At the moment of disclosure, my friends and I are equals in ignorance. We are making it up as we go.

Hope you are able to grow something positive from your newest knowledge of your friend. A friend is a terrible thing to waste. It is not about being perfect. It is about working it out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's hard not to feel hurt in such situations.

People who respond in such a manner give us a teachable moment where we can give them a little bit of an explanation and leave the door open for questions. If they're ok with us sharing more over time, we can. If they keep wanting to talk about themselves, we know that's a sign they aren't able to be a person we go to for PTSD support.

I don't invest much emotion in their response. It's not their fault they aren't familiar with my problem. They don't have to understand more to be a friend, so long as they accept my need to cancel or alter plans at times.

I knew very little about PTSD before my diagnosis, and I didn't seek out the info until it was relevent in my life. I don't seek out other conditions a whole lot unless a friend wishes me to be aware. By being compassionate, allowing them to have moments where they are grumpy or irritated, etc., I can be a person who cares about them.

I do let my friends and work colleagues know I have PTSD, and I comment to them when I have a symptom affecting my work. An example of this would be "I'm sorry this is taking me a bit longer today, I had insomnia last night" or "I'm having difficulty concentrating today..I'm having one of THOSE days."

Every person we share with in a gentle way with no expectation of anything back other than awareness that eons they know has PTSD helps get the word out. It makes the diagnosis less stigmatized, which helps us all.

I've had some in my circle turn out to have the diagnosis, some with their own issues, and some who shun me. Although it hurt at the time to lose those "friends", it turned out I was giving more in the relationship and receiving very little back. Now, my life is filled with far more people who are kind, balanced, fun, and supportive. Some are eating out together friends, some are artsy friends, some are gamer friends, and just a select few are "can tell anything to."

I no longer take it personally when people response with insensitive or ignorant comments. I sure hope others forgive me when I show my ignorance of their diagnoses as well.

 

[Marf]

One of my close friends, stated that she does not understand why people just can't get over the past. That one really hurt, and I just don't talk to her about my therapy.

 

[Samantha_38]

One of my close friends, stated that she does not understand why people just can't get over the past. That one really hurt, and I just don't talk to her about my therapy.

I can't even remember how many times I've been told things like this. Not specifically about PTSD because I haven't told many people, but just in general. Or I've been around people when they've been saying this about somebody else. I definitely want to just yell at them at those points. It is so hard to hold my tongue sometimes.

 

[InsideAWord]

I don't believe in dwelling on or feeding into my trauma, but I will never forget that it happened. For more elaboration, I just mean that I refuse to play the victim my whole life but I will remember how I was victimized by my abusers and the system. No matter how much I wish that it didn't happen or that I can't remember it -- I will never, ever forget what happened to me. And, you know what? That's the rough side of PTSD. You want to forget, but you can't and your symptoms make your memory affect your whole self physically -- panic attacks, insomnia, night terrors, weight loss, weight gain, muscle tension, body memories, blood pressure, etc. You become a mess that sometimes doesn't know up from down and it REALLY sucks. So, in summation, I just mean that we can TRY to get over our trauma -- we can only do that after we've processed it -- but it's the little reminders brought on by the PTSD that make it so difficult.

 

[scout86]

My therapist made a comment the other day about PTSD being the "flavor of the moment" in the mental health field. He didn't mean that in any way to minimize the seriousness of the problem, where it actually exists. This is a big part of what he does, so he does take it seriously. But, he said that there seem to be fads in everything and right now, for one reason or another, PTSD is "popular" in the mental health field. Both with people who think they have problems and with people looking to attach labels.

The other day, during a conversation with an acquaintance who's kind of a drama queen, but probably not "diagnosable" with anything, she made a comment about a situation "giving her PTSD". I ALMOST said something. (She doesn't know me well enough to know the label has some special significance for me.) I thought better of it. She's kind of an idiot and there's no changing that. At least, I have no interest in trying.

People say stupid things for all kinds of reasons. It's too bad. Sometimes, it's a teachable moment, sometimes it's not. Sorry your friend didn't handle it better, though! It would be nice if people were willing and able to be supportive when that's what we're looking for. Too bad it doesn't always work out that way!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think it's so much the ignorant comments. Those I can forgive. It's understandable. I had a relative disclose her trauma and not to compare, but yeah, it blows a lot of other traumas out of the water. I was so shocked that I could only mutter an "I'm so sorry". I can understand not knowing what to say. What bothers me is when people turn the conversation around so that the focus is on themselves again. Perhaps this is their way of dealing with the situation as they stumble to find the right words, however , I see it more as a reflection of their personality as a whole. People who can't even offer, or attempt to offer kind words of support during these times and instead divert the attention back on themselves tend to not be the sort of people who can offer support in general. Maybe keep them around if they're fun, but don't count on them for support, or put yourself on the line when they need support. It just won't be that type of relationship.