How To Reach Out For Help?

[Deleted member 24738]

I am barely holding it together here. Hubby and i had a couples session scheduled with a new therapist today, our 2nd session with her, but she double booked. And chose the other person over us. I had been hanging onto this appt all week, and it was no big deal to her to break it - no apology, no empathy.

She almost made it seem like our fault, but we both distinctly remember verifying the date and time with her 3 times, and i saw her write something on her calendar. Why couldn't she even take some responsibility? I should have known from the start...her voice mail says she'll call back within 24 hours but it took her almost a week to get back to me to even schedule our first session. Apparently this isn't a career, but a mere hobby that she doesn't take seriously.

Hubby and i have been in crisis for months I've been processing trauma for a few years but have been really struggling the last 4 months. And this is the 2nd time something like this happened.

Last month, after waiting 6 weeks to get in with another couples counselor, we had an appointment scheduled but her receptionist called to cancel the morning of due to family emergency. Ok, I get it. But the next available appt wasn't for 2 more weeks! Why make us wait for 6 weeks if you don't have a reliable opening?

I am so upset right now, i am reverting to escape plans. I can't handle the pain of feeling unsupported, let down. I'm mad at myself for needing this help so badly.

I am about to text my individual therapist, who I've been seeing for 3 years and love, that i need a break from therapy. Part of me thinks I need space because I'm clearly too dependent, part of me isn't sure I'll still be around on Thursday, and part of me hopes she would respond lovingly and talk me down. Why can't i just text her and ask if she can get me in today?

Because I'm terrified of rejection and I'm fairly certain she's booked solid. Jumping off a bridge feels easier. Aren't I well adjusted and reasonable today? So I'm just sitting in my car trying to calm myself down. But I feel hopeless. Actually losing her as my therapist would be devastating, so why am i acting so immature like this? Taking a break from her is the last thing I need or want.

How can I reach out to my therapist when i need her most but am too terrified to do so? Many thanks. .. I've never been so low and in pain before and it's scary and confusing.

 

[WillyKat]

Don't cancel your appointment. Instead, ask for a new referral for a couples counsellor.

 

[franciemarnie]

It is good you find out now that the couples therapist isn't professional or considerate or empathic. Definitely get a recommendation for someone else.

I am sorry you had to go thru this though. What a huge disappointment to say the least.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I feel stupid for trusting. I'm mad about putting myself through the agony of bringing up my trauma with her, for thinking it would be worth it. I have been desperate to find somebody who can translate what I'm going through to my poor husband.

He deserves to know why his wife has been an untouchable mess for 3 years, completely out of the blue to him because i thought i could ignore the abuse forever and didn't tell him until 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.

Talk about bait and switch... i had no idea it could resurface like this. I could really use some help figuring out how he can help me and then effectively communicate that to him, but the idea of opening up to somebody again makes me feel ill. Life feels like a big joke on me right now.

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to focus on them for now.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I think what bothers me most is the fact that I am just another client to my own beloved therapist. I can't bear to think of how I'd feel if she ever did something like this to me. And while she hasn't in the 3 years I've known her, she easily could be put in a similar position someday.

These two couples counselors were just reminders of how insignificant i am to those I rely on. I sometimes feel like i am just moments away from dying of heartache when i feel my connection with my therapist slip through my fingers. It almost feels safer to cut the cord now so i don't have to live in fear of her doing it first.

 

[Always have Hope!]

Before I state my own 2 cents, I still think you work on getting council, until then, relax, take a deep breath, tell ya huddy sit down for some coffee and just let it out, bake some cookies, have a smile, even flirt a little, whatever is needed to make it a calm chat.

In fact you two schedule yourselves some us time, just to vent, chat, dicuss issues, eat more cookies etc. Before you finually get to a open appointment you two already sweetly started that road to understandment and growth. No one knows yourself better than you, so eat some cookies, hold him, cry on him whatever needed to let some of that heaviness disburse.

 

[ill]

I think it might help to reframe a few things. It's not that you're insignificant, it's that the counselors aren't as on the ball as they claim to be and as you need them to be. This counselor didn't reject you but she did poorly manage her time and double book an appointment. She didn't "choose" them over you but she may have made their appointment first and felt she had to honour that commitment first.

The first counselor did have a reliable opening, but had a family emergency. The thing about emergencies and health crises and life events is that we can't always plan for them. Her having an emergency and needing to rebook is a thing that happens, and it sucks, but it's not a reflection on you and it doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

This counselor's lack of apology and empathy isn't a reflection of any lack of worth on your part but is all about her. Your counselor hasn't had to cancel (what good luck!), but if she does, I hope you'll give her the benefit of the doubt and believe in the relationship you've built together for three years.

We all need help. Sometimes we need more help than other times, and sometimes it's difficult to find that help, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's brave to ask for the help that we need.

Don't cut the cord on your own needs - it's like cutting the cord on your parachute just after you've jumped off the plane. It's okay to need. If your counselor can't accommodate you today, she may be able to accommodate you tomorrow or another day.

It's not a rejection if she can't give you the appointment you want/need - she has to be there for her other clients the way that she is for you. That doesn't mean you don't matter, and it's that consistency and reliability that you value in her. But at least ask for what you need, and maybe also call a crisis line in the meantime.

What about calling the first counselor back up or getting a referral to another? I know the first counselor didn't call back the first time as quickly as you would have liked, but that may be an administrative issue and those happen. They're annoying and they suck, but they're not personal.

I hope that today is a better day for you than yesterday was.

 

[BloomInWinter]

...but she double booked. And chose the other person over us. I had been hanging onto this appt all week, and it was no big deal to her to break it - no apology, no empathy.

She almost made it seem like our fault, but we both distinctly remember verifying the date and time with her 3 times, and i saw her write something on her calendar. Why couldn't she even take some responsibility? I should have known from the start...her voice mail says she'll call back within 24 hours but it took her almost a week to get back to me to even schedule our first session. Apparently this isn't a career, but a mere hobby that she doesn't take seriously.

I'm sorry this happened. I know how upsetting appointment conflicts can be.

I know I felt like I was literally hanging onto the edge of the cliff between appointments, but it wasn't until I really told my therapist how bad my symptoms really were he didn't know what was going on in my head. Since I couldn't speak up - and still, have trouble - I look like I'm doing ok on the outside when I'm experiencing great anguish, rage, and fear on the inside.

You assume it was no big deal to her, but that is mind-reading. Also, assuming she felt no empathy is also mind-reading. It's natural to do that, especially for those of us who needed to do this with abusers to keep ourselves safe. But I learned the hard way that my getting angry based upon what I *believed* my therapist was thinking, instead of actually *asking* what he was thinking really added to my distress, anxiety, and fear.

It's also likely that the double booking was for someone who is, outwardly at least, appearing much less stable and capable as you are. Hence, that person might have been triaged to the appointment instead of you, but not because of a lack of empathy or concern for your issues.

It may seem like a hobby based upon your brief interaction with her, but after only one session it would be very difficult for her to know all that is going on with you, and for you to understand everything about her. A therapeutic relationship takes time to develop trust and communication. One appointment isn't a lot of time considering the essential tasks needed to move forward.

Your distress is very apparent and this would be exactly the time to call and ask to speak to your individual therapist or the counselor of the day. You might consider sharing your email with your therapist, as well, so she knows how you are affected by alterations in scheduling.

Don't give up. What you are feeling is normal for those of us with PTSD and attachment issues. It gets better.