How Do You Make Friends?

[Pencil]

Ok, your role as moderator here does create distance. Next step - what do you want in a friend?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You have reached out to me Ayesha and I thank you for that!

Oh. :x3: Your welcome.

You may not realize it, but I have seen you reach out to others, take their hands and pull them up.

I didn't realize it, I wish I knew when I did that!

Maybe its time to turn the tables. That might help to get you started

Maybe first thought to this was why? Why put something on someone else was my first thought. Doesn't make it a correct thought though...Maybe it is black and white thinking I don't know.

what do you want in a friend?

Good question. I'll think about that one.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I again feel lonely. I need my therapist. There are things I want to share here I am afraid too. Maybe I should say it may not be wise.

I am aware people will treat me differently here; I am aware for example that my diary gets less replies since being a staff member. I enjoy my work here, I am more self confidence and I feel more aware of myself. I am amazing anyone wants me or trusts me to actually be worth it to give me that responsibly. I am aware that maybe people are unsure of how to treat me both here and in real life. I do agree with @Pencil that I might come across as aloof I am not criticizing your thought pencil. I am saying I totally agree with you. I am afraid of appearing unintelligent or not sure of myself. I am afraid of being criticized. I am aware I say stupid things. Maybe the biggest one 'afraid of appearing unintelligent' makes people think I turn my nose up at them.

I am aware I put people off. I do not know what it is but I know by the looks on people face that something about me...Do I appear to haughty? I have been told here I seem very self confident. I am not. Often my hands shake in check out lines. People notice. You can't possible tell me I appear self confident then. But if people often think that in real life, is that what puts them off? I know my teachers in college think highly of me; I can tell they think I am intelligence and they respect me by how they treat me. So I am careful of always doing my best. My grades are perfect. I am vain that I don't have to try hard.

I often feel very socially awkward. My husband tells me that sometimes my facial expressions 'do not match'.

Maybe its time to turn the tables.

You mean reach out for help like I have helped others. Be a little more vocal. I fell on ice a few weeks ago and I wouldn't let my husband help me. Pride and embarrassment. I should have thought of the ice I thought.

Last class when I saw those girls I found myself thinking 'Please be my friend'. How terrible, stupid and vulnerable is that?! I was embarrassed to share that in the first post. It's pathetic.

I want to cry. I don't. I don't allow myself to cry. It is embarrassing. I have tears in my eyes. I don't cry. I didn't even cry when my best friend died of cancer. My mother did and I ended up comforting her. My mother wrote about that in her yearly Christmas letter to the whole family. She had it all fancy and typed. I felt embarrassed reading that and vulnerable. I felt she should have asked me to share that. My grandmother framed that and hung it on her wall. I feel punched in the stomach when I see it. I miss her. I loved her. I remember us once dancing together and I was so happy and so happy to have a friend. People ignored me in class but she liked me, sleep over and birthdays. Some of the only ones I ever went too. Come to think of it I was invited once to a birthday party whole grade school; they made fun of me during it. The same girls years earlier invited me but it ended up being a trick. I told myself it was my fault and tried to ignore that it happened.

I am sorry. I feel like I am just complaining and being trouble or to heavy. I almost hate myself right now.This thread is so heavy. I started it thinking it would be just simple how-to tips.

I need to calm down and sleep. I feel terrible.

 

[Pencil]

heavy.

NO, not heavy. Very raw and vulnerable. And don't hate yourself for me saying that.

Ayesha, you do come across as haughty - which is NOT criticism - it is something that can REALLY work in your favor, i.e. nobody to whom you reach out for friendship will suspect that you are needy. Plus, it will create the impression that the people you do reach out to meet your high standards. Trust me on that one.

I'll be back later if you want me to get practical.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Maybe you are a thinker rather than a feeler? Introverted....but extraverted with those really close to you? Have you taken the MBTI test online?

There are people online who criticize, invalidate, and who hurt people so I do not blame you for not totally wanting to go there a lot. Personal boundaries are good to have.

Is it your opinion that sharing feelings is seen as a weakness?

Is it your opinion that empathizing will make you vulnerable?

 

[Pencil]

There are people online who criticize, invalidate, and who hurt people

Indeed. At the moment this forum seems to have collective PMS.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yes, that was exactly what I meant and good for you for continuing to reach out for someone to grab your hand and pull you up.

It is not pathetic of you to think "will you be my friend". Continue to have random conversations with them and see where it goes. Arfie is right, I'm told you have to put yourself out there and be emotionally vulnerable. Never give up that persistence.

I know this to be true because I am in the same boat, only it took me a lot longer than you to realize this. I personally am envious that you have the courage to get help at a younger age

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Very raw and vulnerable. And don't hate yourself for me saying that.

Got up this morning to make myself breakfast it all hit me and I thought "Oh, my God what have I done." Which made me start being angry with myself, which made me think how when I stay up late is when I make bad choices. (impulse online shopping for example) Still a bit shocked I shared so much.

you do come across as haughty - which is NOT criticism - it is something that can REALLY work in your favor, i.e. nobody to whom you reach out for friendship will suspect that you are needy.

Pencil, not to criticize but the first definition of haughty is "arrogantly superior and disdainful." I don't see how that can work in my favor. Maybe you are getting it confused with another word? Or at least I would like to think so. I do admit to being arrogant, that is something I have admitted to my therapist so I am aware of it. I hope I am not disdainful.

If that is what you meant, how? I wont criticize you for saying it. I will think about it instead.

if you want me to get practical.

Yes, of course. Confused why you would think I wouldn't. Did I offed you?

seen as a weakness?

Yes...and not intelligence or in control of my life or...

that empathizing will make you vulnerable?

With other people, no. With myself, yes,

personally am envious that you have the courage to get help

Oh, I get that a lot here, which makes me feel that maybe I share to much.

Never give up that persistence.

Hmmm...

 

[bell]

Wouldn't work.

Telling yourself that only further distances you from how you act vs. how you'd like yourself to act. How do you know things "wouldn't work?" Do you have any proof that they won't work with these two new people that you'd like to be friends with? Also, even if you don't have any homework in the class, you're probably discussing things in the class, so it's more than natural to ask them out for coffee or whatever. You have a shared experience in the class, which means topics for discussion are already there!

I am aware I say stupid things.

I am aware I put people off.

What would you tell other people if they said these things about themselves? That their awareness is perhaps not correct and is skewed (thanks PTSD!). That they most likely do not do these things, but only think they do them. [You are your own worst enemy here!]

Also, not to be a downer, but making friends when you're in school is *much* easier than when you're not in school... because you have classes with others and already have built-in shared experiences. But, remember making friends is hard! You might want to check out this book, Dead Link Removed, which covers all sorts of ways to make friends and lets you know that yes, it is hard and no, you are not alone! :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What would you tell other people if they said these things about themselves?

I wouldn't know what to say. Not that I agree with them but I really wouldn't know how to comfort them or what advice to offer.

That their awareness is perhaps not correct and is skewed

I don't see how my view is not correct. It seems valid to me just looking at my history.

so it's more than natural to ask them out for coffee or whatever

Oh. How do you ask this? I can also picture myself trying to ask! It makes me nervous thinking about it.

You might want to check out this book

I will look for it. The library doesn't have it so maybe I will get it on kindle or a used copy. But I am interested. I am going to do a search now on more books on how to make friends.

 

[bell]

Well, I'm not the greatest about asking people out for things.

But... when I do it, usually ask people to come along with me to do something I was already planning on doing (getting coffee, getting lunch, etc.). I.e., "I was just about to go get some coffee/lunch, do you want to come along/with me?" That way if they say "no," I was already planning on doing that activity, so I just go ahead and do it alone. (There's no awkward, "well, what do I do now?" with this, you just do what you said you were going to do!) If they say "yes," I have a partner to have coffee/lunch with!

Even if they say "no," you've opened up the field for something social to happen outside of class, which is a good thing!

 

[Ghostybear73]

The problem is, even if they say "no", it is still a form of rejection. That's why I don't have any friends. You can't get rejected if you don't ask. Problem is, when you feel alone and lonely, you get stuck between the proverbial "rock and and a hard place". Do you want to be alone or have the possibility of being rejected?

I hope things work out for you Ayesha.