Low Self Esteem

[saffy]

As part of a recovery programme I discovered a CBT book on low self esteem. I always new I felt bad about myself and did not like myself very much but failed to realise how this was part of the whole problem and how important dealing with it is.

All the doubts, the fears and the anxiety are influenced by my low self esteem. It is hard to change the way you think about yourself if it has been part of your life for so long. I felt that it was just normal, just me. THere comes the conflict with myself.

I saw I was no different to others but couldn't work out why I felt different, less worthy, less interesting, less a person in my own rights. I focus on how I think others see me and how I let them make me feel bad because I thought it was justified. I am bad, I am not worthy and I am unlovable.

Well so I thought anyway. What this book told me was that my thinking was based on childhood ideas of the world. I was looking at it all wrong.
Things that I assumed were right about me came from abuse, trauma and lack of positive emotional support.

I judged myself too harshly, much more harshly than I judged, or treated, others. With this in mind I tended to always put myself down, felt I could not achieve anything, was a victim and not worth anything. Because I felt that way about myself it set the president for how others treated and saw me. IT is a vicious circle.

I had to change this. I took all the pieces of me I thought was wrong so I could work on them individually. The first was to work on my self esteem. With this in tact I might feel stronger to take more risks, instead of isolating, and to stop focusing on what I thought others thought of me because I knew for myself that I was an ok person worthy of happiness and to be treated with compassion and love.

I know until I realised this myself there was no hope of feeling it. Does that make sense?

I also hope that this will help me trust my own judgements, especially when it comes to who I can and cannot trust. Which comes to the next stage.

I have to learn what it is that keeps me from trusting anyone, while I feel they are constantly persecuting me.

Are they? or is this a protection mechanism?

I understand this comes from my childhood abuse but I know that self esteem can be rocked to the core through sudden traumas too.

WHy do we feel lost? Why do we feel scared of life? why do we not trust?

For me, I feel lost sometimes because I have no idea who I am or what I want or where I want to go. I feel scared because I do not trust myself to look after myself properly or trust anyone else to support or help me feel less scared. I do not trust because so far I have had no reason to, but I do not give anyone the chance to prove they can either. I have to risk that one day they will.

I am not sure how much of a chord this rings for others on here but I think some of it will.

IF anyone is interested the book is :Overcoming low self esteem: self help course by Melanie Fennel. It is a three part programme based on CBT techniques.

I thought I would share this with you all.

best wishes
Saffy.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Wow saffy, it rings so many bells for me. thank you so much for sharing, and I will check out the book.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. I am bad, I am not worthy and I am unlovable.

WHy do we feel lost? Why do we feel scared of life? why do we not trust

For me, I feel lost sometimes because I have no idea who I am or what I want or where I want to go. I feel scared because I do not trust myself to look after myself properly or trust anyone else to support or help me feel less scared. I do not trust because so far I have had no reason to

I am not sure how much of a chord this rings for others on here but I think some of it will..

Oh yes saffy The story of My Life.

Thanks for posting, best wishes to you too. :hug:

 

[saffy]

HI meadowsweet and Junebug,

I found it was like a very bright light bulb going on when I realised this problem was far more of an influence over everything I did and thought.

I knew I had low self esteem but never realised the significance and what it actually meant.

I hope you find the book a help too :)

Another book I am reading is: feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers.

Although I think working on the self esteem as a priority will help me face the fear and take risks anyway. I don't think you can have one with out the other, if that makes sense. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's difficult when one can't believe what they say is 'different' or accurate or applies.

 

[Jane.l]

Yep chiming away here ! Thanks for the recommendation - will take a look at the book .

 

[soulsearcher]

Your post could not be written any differently I feel the same way and struggle the same battle. I will check out your book mentioned. I also have a book you may like to read. It is called 'Healing the shame that binds you' by John Bradshaw. Please keep posted any other tools and I will do the same!

 

[Barconian]

It is easy to read a book than experience the way it is!

 

[saffy]

Hi all,

I think anything that will help you make sense of your world and what you feel is a help.

Quote 'Self esteem refers to the overall beliefs or opinions we have about ourselves, and the value we place on ourselves as people. A person with low self esteem will have generally negative self beliefs.'

'self esteem is linked to other problems, it can be a consequence of other problems or a factor contributing to other problems.'

'self esteem means having a poor opinion of yourself, judging yourself too harshly and seeing yourself as having little or no worth'

'Negative beliefs about yourself will reflect on how you behave on a day to day basis and can affect many areas of life.'

'In the heart of self esteem lie your central beliefs about yourself. you may think of these beliefs as facts, reflection of the real truth about you'
'
'Beliefs about ourselves (and indeed about other people and about life) are all learned. They have their roots in experience. Your beliefs about yourself are conclusions you have reached on the basis of what has happened to you.

'Biased thinking means always looking at yoursel, and interpreting what you see, in a negative way.'

'negative beliefs and biased thinking trap you in a vicious circle'

'The bottom line (negative beliefs) can be hard to change. This is because it is supported and strengthened by biased thinking. Biased thinking emphasizes experiences that support the bottom line, while ignoring experiences that contradict it'

'The bottom line leads you to develop rules for living (guidelines which you think you must obey in order to feel comfortable with yourself). These are designed to help you get through life, but in fact they keep your bottom line in place and maintain low self esteem'

'Overcoming low self esteem' Melanie Fennel.


There are a lot of reasons why we have low self esteem, some people do not even realise that this is a huge part of their problem and associate the way they feel and behave to other things, sometimes external things rather than internal. I think that is called the external locus of evaluation.

Anyway, I thought it is worth sharing and if it helps anyone that is just great.

I will certainly look for that book Soulsearcher, thank you for sharing. :)

best wishes to you all
Saffy :)