My Mom's Old, I Can't Bring This Trauma Up With Her Now,guilty Again!

[Echo]

Just to clarify, I set out the no contact in my case as being temporary at this stage. I may move on to permanent, depending in what happens with the emerging memories. You can do things step-by-step.

 

[Hashi]

to punish her for past wrongs when she is elderly to me is unthinkable and out of the question.

Albatross, please would you explain why age has anything to do with it? I would accept you talking about "punishment" in general, but since when did someone get a free pass as soon as they hit a certain age?

I've always thought age brought wisdom and reflection, actually. Not a get out from any accountability.

 

[yoshixvx]

So glad you are bringing this up. I was taken into foster care as a child as a result of my abuse - which was allowed to continue because of my mother. She did not protect me, even when I became ill as a child. Like your mother, mine prefers to pretend like nothing ever happened, is dismissive, and has nothing to really offer me except criticism and blame. So what are we to do?

My decision was to end the relationship with my mother after entering trauma therapy and bearing the weight of it all. For me, this has been a positive decision. I am no longer throwing myself in the way of her bullets, and am generally content, as opposed to torn apart while dealing with her narcissism and invalidation. She will never change, and at her age, it is an unrealistic expectation to assume she even wants to. She is comfortable drinking herself into a coma every night, and never working on healthy steps towards resolving her own issues.The relationship is moot and she is incapable of giving me what I need (unconditional parental love, and safety). This is the reality of the situation.

The thing to keep in mind is that you have to do what is healthy for you - not her. That can change; nothing is permanent but everything is a choice. It's your choice - you are in control.

Being in control means being effective in interpersonal relationships. Is it worth it to rehash all of this, or are there more productive ways to harness your anger? What if it blows up and makes everything 10x worse, sending you into a downward spiral? Pros and cons lists are particularly helpful for me when deciding such heavy consequences.

But I believe you have it in you to overcome this, and it might not be in the way you'd hope or expect, but it is completely possible. You are already taking the first steps by being here.

 

[Hashi]

I guess I'm just a horrible person.

I don't. I guess you were abused and the person who could have protected you failed to do that. Why their "elderly" status makes them special now is beyond me. In my view, they're actually the same person they were before they were magically "elderly".

 

[It's all my fault]

@ survivortothriver. I feel obligated to have her in my life. If I choose not to the consequences will be worse. My siblings will be furious as they feel the need to protect her and are in denial themselves. I will not hurt them, that would be more painful to me than this. I do think writing a letter to her would be good. I got 2 sentences down in therapy and then went into fog brain ie: dissociation. A part of me truly feels bad as I know she too came from an abusive family and was terrified of my dad. That said, she did NOT protect us. In fact, she pushed him on us to save herself in more than one occasion. I really want her to see and feel the damage she has done but know in my heart she is blind to it. When she does die nothing will be resolved and if I stir the pot it may just make things worse for me by adding more guilt. I'm just sick of feeling like everything is my fault.

 

[It's all my fault]

@Hashi, thanks so much for that. You know my mom has played the victim/weak helpless one her whole life. Nothing is different here now that she's 83. But, because she is 83 now she actually may have an excuse. You know I told my therapist that in 50 years, the death of my dad or her mother I have never once seen her cry. Never! That's where her emotions are, nonexistent. Aaaagggghhhhh!

 

[It's all my fault]

So I have another question. What do you say to the aunts who knew the situation and never stepped in? I am equally angry for them, was very close to one of them and now that I am trying to process this I am infuriated by their lack of protection as well. She absolutely knew the extent of what he did... We should have been in the care of dcys One in particular is my godmother, my dad's sister who still justifies his beatings and terror to this day. She is not well, I need to fix this in my head before she dies. She knows I've been distant over the last few years as I was calling her every few months but have only spoken with her a few times over the last 3 years. I don't need more guilt when she dies. Why do I always feel bad when the damage was done to ME as a child? I need some advise.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

or just stuff it back down with the rest of the garbage I've swallowed my 51 years of life. Oh ya, I'm nauseous from swallowing this trash.

That's an option?!?

 

[It's all my fault]

@Survivor2Thriver Unfortunately, this "option/choice" is one probably that everyone here has had to do. I'm thinking some have no longer needed to do so but for me, sadly yes, this an option and one I've unfortunately mastered.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Unfortunately, this "option/choice" is one probably that everyone here has had to do.

The first 15yrs of my life wasn't my choice nor option. The rest of my life is. No contact forever.:)

You have to decide what's best for you. You and you only.

 

[J_trustno1]

@It's all my fault : sorry to hear about what you had to put up with. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I grew up living in a toxic and the most dysfunctional family. My mum never stopped my abusers because she felt she had no control over the situation. She always followed their (her brothers and sisters) commands. When I went into bad depression last year, although I have been struggling with depression for the past 10 + years, she felt I was mental. She didn't want to hear their wrongs and she told me that I was the one who started the war with her relatives and that is why they treat me the way they do. She just had nothing against them.

The best thing I have learned from my therapist is that what she does with her life is her choice and I CANNOT, remember CANNOT change her. I was told to keep my relationship all superficial with her which I am struggling with atm. We get into messy arguments all the time. Part of it because I cannot change her irrational thinking because she comes from a culture where there is male dominance. I am 26 and I want to move out of the house. Whenever I bring out this topic about me having equal rights as my brother in terms of traveling I get so much shit thrown at me. Therefore, as from today, I will do as I please and not tell her my plans because it leads to messy arguments.

From my personal experience, you will not achieve anything out of confronting her. It will only lead you to more misery and self-hate or self-destructive behaviors. You will be in more shit not her because some people are great at passing guilt onto others like yours and my mum. My mother is only 50 yrs old but sometimes we cannot change these stubborn adults. I hope I've helped.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Sometimes a natural consequence feels like punishment, sometimes like reward.. it depends on the actions that created the consequences.

If she wanted a loving and sweet relationship with you in her old age, then she needed to put the time and effort into that.

If you want a loving and sweet relationship with her, then you'll probably have to allow her to live in denial and support the fantasy for her.

If you want justice, you won't get it. If there is something that will make you feel secure in the world... that would probably be boundaries. One boundary I have now, is reality. If people don't live in reality, I don't want them around me. I find them to be cowards and highly gullible, and they often seem to have a predator in their midst. They spend my time obligating me further to them, instead of bonding with me.

So, the people who think that I am interested in punishing my parents are just wrong. It may feel like that, even to me sometimes, but I think that is because I have lived life from my parents' perspectives for so long that I see their side of it before I see my own. And, that's a huge problem. It's much easier to have fun in life when I see life from my own perspective. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just trying to live my life in the truth.

If they want to do that too... I would embrace them! I would welcome them to it! I would feel so sorry for them and the pain they are about to experience in accepting the choices they made which led to such disastrous results! But, they don't want that. They want a free pass. They want ME to do all that work... and let them skip it. That's not only unfair to me, it's unrealistic and destructive to my psyche. Not to mention the fact that since they aren't going through the work themselves, they have no appreciation for how painful and arduous it was to get to the point I'm at in life now! To accept it... that took so much out of me. :( I just have no respect for those unwilling to go through it in order to have a relationship with me.

I'm not chop suey. :) I'm an incredibly loving, kind, intelligent and brave person! They should get to know me! But, that isn't their choice. I have come to the point where I can explain this stuff to them in a calm tone of voice, and still hang up the phone saying "I love you." It's rare that they call me anymore. They don't like hearing it explained. And, they are grumpy when I ask them if they've been to counseling... "Me? What for?" "I'm fine. Isn't it up to me to decide if I need help?"

"Well, you haven't been able to repair your relationship with your daughter.... in 10 years... don't you think they could help you with that?"

And, that's when they start putting it back on my shoulders... All my fault that the relationship fell apart. So, I tell them I love them and hang up the phone. Fortunately, this doesn't happen much.

Good luck with your therapy. It really is a matter of changing your mind. Lots of stuff gets "decided" when you're a child... and you think it "has to be" this way... or else... ?... Changing your mind about those decisions can really help you get passed a lot of the anger toward your mom and siblings and Aunts.