Relationship Shut Out- Stay Calm

[psychocandy]

Shut out. It sucks. The one who is loved, the one who knows about the PTSD suddenly becomes enemy number one and YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. It seems to be a very common thread here. After living with daily with bliss for a year and some (and then not living with) someone for the next year while being shut out, immediately turned on, lied about, vilified you name it because my only reaction ever is and ever will be with love she can't understand why I haven't left. She tests me time and again trying to push, but I don't push or pull, I just let her be and I walk away. I do not have anything but compassion for her. I can honestly say I have been at her rock bottom of unleashing on enemy number one and I still feel calm. Because I can see that it's the PTSD that read about and have taken the time to learn about - I don't have any negative reactions. I don't have any worry as there is not a dang thing I can do but stay in check with my emotions. It's her life.

But this is not a post about me. It's about her. What does she need from me in addition to space? She comes to me on occasion, knowing where I am like clockwork on a Friday night. She watches me... seemingly waiting for the "see I knew I can't trust you" moment. I have no reaction. I give no reason not to trust, I am me. I love her. She starts seeing someone else. I have no reaction. It's her life. I have love for her. I have my own life. She comes back out of the blue after a month, afraid to talk, but watches me. I leave after doing my own thing. She comes back again. Finally can look me in the eye, so I look back at her deeply. She goes away. Puts songs up on my online player- I can tell when she is in her own world of pain or not, she has a language with the music. It's her voice. I let her listen and use the music to cope. She comes back again, this time after 3 hours of sitting there, no words, just watching me, I have the bartender buy her a drink as I tab out and leave. It disrupts her world for me to acknowledge her, and not judge her when she is weak. I say nothing. I walk away. I have compassion. I send her cards on holidays. I have let go of all ego, I have no expectations. I just am a constant loveand it's easy for me, but it's nothing she has ever experienced. So she surrounds herself with the easy relationships, no one asks her to be herself, they just see the easygoing, party fun girl and all love her. I see the real complex, inner beauty, a child and yet a survivor. How can I really be there for her? To me, this is a lifetime, not a blip on the radar. Am I doing this all wrong?

 

[Meadowsweet]

She has left you, and seemingly told you in no uncertain terms to leave her alone. It seems that your view that she is coming back to you involves her sitting in the same bar that you drink in occassionally and not making any attempt to speak to you.

I would suggest that you get some help for what seems like something of an obsession with a girl that left you a long time ago.

 

[digger]

(and then not living with) someone for the next year while being shut out

Does this mean that you have been split up for a year?

It's her life.

It's her life.

this is not a post about me. It's about her

Hmm...You're right, it is her life, and it appears that she has moved on from your relationship and is living it. This post does seem to be more about you to be honest, which is fair enough, I think it's you that you need to be looking at and why you can't move on from this when she has.

I have to say I'm a bit confused by what you seem to think is her coming back to you? Is it just being in the same bar as you without either of you actually talking to each other?

I have let go of all ego,

Why do you have to let go of all ego? You need to know who you are and be that person for you. What are you if you are only someone who is there for someone else. You're saying you have your own life, but it's not coming across in this post.

I have no expectations.

Then what are you holding onto this for?

How can I really be there for her?

I would reframe this to 'Does she really want me to be there for her?'. She doesn't seem to be asking you for that or am I missing something?

I've got to say, I would feel quite suffocated by someone being so selflessly dedicated to me without any real regard for themselves in the way you are coming across in this post.

I appreciate that sometimes the whole picture doesn't come across clearly in text, but just going on what you are saying, I think you need to let this go.

I'm not a supporter, but it makes me sad when I see posts from supporters so often who are giving much more than they should to relationships, and clinging on to relationships, all in the name of PTSD. Sometimes relationships just aren't meant to be, PTSD or not, however much you've read about it.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I'm sorry psychocandy...I know how a shut out or 2 3 4 5 feels...have been there multiple times. I got to tell you this though: read around this forum, there are a lot of sufferers who even in a shut out consider their partner. Who can make agreements such as telling their opartner when they need to be alone even for long. I'm sorry if you think Im being blunt, but it's just because I've been there: PTSD is no excuse for shutting someone out for as long as they want and expecting them to stay whatever they do. Please move on. Move on to someone (PTSD or not) who is actually also wanting good things for you. Is there really inner beauty? or is it what you want to see?

Good luck, I say open your eyes. I opened mine and it feels great.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

" You need to know who you are and be that person for you. What are you if you are only someone who is there for someone else. " a million likes for this quote by @digger1

 

[bell]

It's one thing to be a friend and to be there for someone always. It's another when you hang on while they see someone else and are in the same room with you for hours and don't talk to you. I know we only know one side, but this sounds manipulative of her and you are eating it up like candy... perhaps you're thrilled by the hope of something?

 

[scout86]

THAT, was deeply and truly creepy! I'm sure we only got a small window on the situation but the idea of 2 people spending all that time playing weird mind games..... Life is too short to waste it on stuff that not going anywhere!

 

[Never Give Up]

@psychocandy - your situation is unusual with the back and forth games that are happening. I do want to let you know I agree with the "shut out" that is happening for you. I have the same thing happening for me at this time. I know that for me. If my wife sees me having a good time....it is not long before she attacks me which places me into the depressing crap that she is suffering from. Your attitude and approach is great but, if you get off that mindset.....you will crash hard. Reality will consume.

 

[greenleaf]

No one can diagnose anything over the web, but have you read about "borderline personality disorder", @psychocandy?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I'm not alone in thinking this is more than just PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

I can tell you care for her very deeply. You asked how can you be there for her? Can you be there enough for her enough to let go and move on to someone new? When I break up with someone, and they date someone new, it can help me grow myself. She would then at least see that you are your own person and a valuable catch. In this thread, https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-just-miss-her.38236/ , about the same situation, you say she has really pushed you away, even threatened you. So listen to her words and do what she is asking/telling you do to. Show her you respect her enough to let her go. I don't know why or how she is putting music on your streaming account or why she is occasionally going to the bar you are in, and why you are putting so much into your deep looks at her. You asked if you were doing anything wrong, and I can tell you that for me, these kind of mind-reading attempts by both of you to communicate so in-directly would really drive me further away. It's not a good model for a life long relationship. I think it is wise that you realize that neither the year of "bliss" nor these kinds of interactions are reality. Have you thought of seeing a counselor to best sort this out? PTSD is a very serious mental illness, and there may or may not be more going on and a counselor would likely be able to really help you out with this.

 

[psychocandy]

Hi all! Thanks for your help.. This is actually much more simple than my "rants" perceive via text, it's just nice to have a forum where I can say more of a dump of my thought every now and then instead of my buds.

And yes, she is a beautiful person. The reality is I am not in the least unhappy, nor am I sitting around moping waiting for some magical pony or her (or anyone ever), and I get asked out all the time as I am awesome lol. The problem I am trying to explain is that as I am NOT unhappy and I am the same happy person that I was when I was with her or not having fun, it seems to be a problem for her and she comes after me. So am I doing something wrong here because I just don't want to be punished for that in her mind or trigger as the bad guy walking into the bar to go chill and catch a game on my own when she is around her non-mutual drinking buds and comes in or is there or excluding myself from my mutual buds events forever. And heck yeah, I care for her and love her but its more like go do your thing I and if what you are doing is you are not with me, I love you BUT unless you want to come halfway and talk to me then go sail that pirate ship and be safe while you are out.

Here's my revised final "vent" on this, just because you guys are all really nice I just hope this sheds a different perspective, plus it's helpful for me too to be done with my story. I know, let it all go is the straight up thing to do. Because I have grown spiritually and grown so much more relaxed over this past year from knowing I have unconditional love, its all good for me. So physically walking away is what I did do right at the get go without a blink. I can't just disappear into the ether either. What happened was at the next important phase of our relationship she freaked and told me her dark secret of the PTSD that she only has told 2 people ever and we read about it and I said I wasn't scared and I was understanding so then she shut me out promptly, I don't have any ego making me angry or reacting to her, I just ignore it. drama free. Before it was if she thought I was upset, she told me she felt she was a burden. She was not a burden, and if she wanted counseling I would support her but I was not going to be able to solve her issues for her, I have love that's it. Again. Drama free. I left because she wanted time to herself during her dark times because she did not want to bring me down she said she couldn't do it she was afraid she would ruin me and she was going to try a counselor for a few... I tried in the past to stay away from the things I normally do to give her space, say hi if I saw her, ignore her, communicate via snail mail, then I just left it at dropping a card in the mail on holidays just to acknowledge her and appreciate her. Doing nothing at all but what I normally do to have fun the other 365 days a year. It was bad for a while yes not knowing which way is up other than to run during the bombs. The deal was when we split, she knows i'm there for her 100%, but the lifelong journey with PTSD is hers and I told her I could not be pushed away because she thinks she is damaged but I wont sit around watching her take herself down either with negative coping. That's not a rollercoaster for me. There is a difference when you can finally look each other in the eye. There is also a difference, in PTSD with partners(ex) seeing other people if you read up on it. It goes easy, then poof dumpola the second they get backed into a corner to open up, before revealing what is really the deep rooted issues. But that's true, it's not only a PTSD thing and it can be the same with anything, food problems, alcoholism, general relationship phobia. I don't need to be in a relationship, with her or not this is a human that I care deeply about who shared with me her deepest issues as I promised her I would never ever use it or run.

I am just the same good ol boring niceness caring person I always am and I hang out with all of our same buds just as before and they feel the same about the situation (without knowing the full details of the PTSD). I just don't hang out with them at the same time as she does, because she can't and I don't want to put that pressure on her. And if I see her somewhere else, I do my own thing and that's that if she is there trying to be super loud and obnoxious or not it's irrelevant, I go to watch a game on my own on my own side of the place, but I don't play games. What she does do a few times the past few months after being gone for months is go to the bar where she knows I go only on a certain day every week where I play cards like clockwork for years, drinks for hours and watches me, just like on Vday. I left the first few times after an hour because I just think it's rather silly if I stayed and ignored her if she won't talk to me I had better things to do, but I wasn't mad. This third time, I did my thing with my card buds, and then at the end of the night after seeing her there finally able to look me in the eye I finally acknowledged her by getting her a beer as I left- the proverbial olive branch of any normal relationships. But I didn't go up to her or stick around for a reaction, I steered clear- because of the PTSD I trust nothing if I am a trigger.

p.s. Putting a song or two up on the ol jukebox is the same in any type of relationship, is also not related to PTSD. I think that is a good form of expression, good or bad with all my partners have been the same, including myself. A good love song fills the soul.