Relationship Husband With Ptsd It Is Really The Problem?

[JoAna]

My Husband an I have been together for 2 and a half years. Sadly since the beginning we have had issues. I have never been with someone who has any type of PTSD so when he told me that his issues were because of that I accepted it.

He never wants to talk about what is going on with us, we are never on the same page, and when I try and bring anything up he shuts down. I ask for him to help me communicate better with him, and the response I get is either "if they are just feelings and I cant do anything about them keep them to your self". Or Wow you haven't done enough research on PTSD.

Then he tells me that I just need to be happy. He has asked me for a divorce, then two days later acted as though everything was ok, and was confused as to why I wasn't ok.

He is cold, and closed off, he males it very apparent that he doesn't care how I feel as long as he thinks everything is ok.

We are on the verge of divorce I dont want to lose my family.

We had a fight just yesterday, about me asking for us to plan some alone time just us to work on our marriage, with out the distraction of our kids. Maybe a mini vacation I suggest. He tells me he doesn't like vacations they are a waste of money and he doesn't want to take work off. So then I suggest that we get a baby sitter for out 5 month old son for the weekend and just have alone time at home. He tells me that I am a bad parent for being willing to give up my son just so we can have alone time. He says he isn't willing to give up time with his son just to spend time with me.

Is this PTSD? He says it is. He says because he missed the first 4 years of his others sons life while being in the Marines deployed he wont do that with our son now. How does that even apply? its one night, and his other son is 10 years old now.

I don't know when PTSD stops and just not caring begins. Someone please help.

I don't know what to do..........

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sufferers who blame everything on PTSD really get my goat! (I am a sufferer myself.)

I see a lot that isn't due to PTSD. Actually, most of it. Yes, PTSD can make a sufferer isolate and become closed off, but please keep in mind that this isn't an automatic reaction so yes, the behavior can change. That is, the behavior can change IF the sufferer wants it to.

Essentially he is telling you that as a mother you have to be tied to your son 24/7 in order to be a "good mother"?!? Ok, I see this as emotionally abusive! This is why God invented grandparents, aunts, uncles, extended family, and even babysitters....so that parents can take a break!

PTSD doesn't make us sticks in the mud who say "just be happy" or never want to have any fun.

Is your husband in treatment? If not, your situation isn't going to get any better, possibly only worse. PTSD isn't one of those disorders that just gets better on it's own.

 

[JoAna]

He goes to the VA and is supposed to be taking meds. However even with meds he is still the same. Never wants to talk. I cried to him last night telling him that he makes me feel worthless and that our relationship doesn't matter. He says you need to do more research on PTSD. Then as I am crying he gets on his cell phone starts playing games and laughs at me? Does PTSD change for war vets is it different am I really not understanding?

 

[dms]

I'm so sorry JoANA. My former combat vet use to say awful things to me all the time than act normal a few days later too. You have to set boundaries. You have to remind him that he has hurt you. You have to learn about PTSD but You have to take care of you first. It's a hamster wheel relationship. Myself and my vet have separated and come back to each other so many times but I think that we are finally in a good place. I know he needs space. I understand it now and he is a lot nicer.. It took him 2 yrs to tell me that he loved me. BUT I think that once he said it I felt a lot less afraid of losing him . But he still will not call me his girlfriend but we both agreed not to see anybody else. So we are a work in progress. Good Luck. Its a hard relationship.

 

[dms]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think that he needs help and is blaming you..

 

[nursenurse]

I think he needs to do the research, it seems he is hiding behavioural and fundamental personality flaws behind the PTSD banner.

You cannot change anyone but yourself. You cannot help him or even support him if I go by what you are saying. It is not your fault.

Get to a counsellor yourself. The behaviour you accept is what he will hash out at you. I don't know how long you two dated before getting married. He is emotionally abusive to you and you should not accept this. The acceptance of this is what you will be modelling to your child when he is older. And that influence will start sooner than you realize.

You need to line up your ducks. Contact a woman's shelter for help for counselling and even some legal assistance. You need to know your rights from all around. The more resources you have at hand, the stronger you will feel. And then you will be equipped to set boundaries, consequences, and most importantly, you will be able to follow through.

Life is too short for this kind of stuff. You and your son deserve so much better.

 

[JoAna]

We are supposed to be going to the VA for counseling hopefully soon. If this isn't his PTSD will the they tell him that? He says he will only go there because they understand him. They know who he is and what he is. And can tell me how to deal with or relationship.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Get to a counsellor yourself.

He is using PTSD as an excuse to behave in unacceptable ways, no doubt. But something else that jumped out at me immediately when I read your post was your use of the word 'never'.

He never wants to talk

we are never on the same page

Using the words 'never' and 'always' is setting yourself up for a fight. It instantly puts the other person on the defensive because it's like you are disregarding any good that has happened in the past. I'm not saying that this is your problem, but it is a red flag to me that you might not be communicating well with him either (we already know he's not communicating well with you). Getting therapy together and apart would be great because it can help both of you learn effective ways of communicating with each other and hopefully you will both be able to express what you need to each other without resorting to arguing.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't take all of this on yourself. No self blame. While it is a good idea for some joint counselling, make sure that your feelings are validated by that counsellor. Any therapist worth their salt will do so. And your hubby needs to be an active participant and own his part in all of this, and not hide beneath the skirts of PTSD. It can be better, you certainly can learn ways of coping with certain things that come with PTSD, such as isolating. What you cannot tolerate is emotional abuse (or any other abuse) and he needs to learn to respect your feelings. I hope that was there before you married, and has just been lost for the time being. Communication strategies for both of you are key, I hope that he is not just going through the motions, but wants to make this work as much as you do.

I agree with Snowangel, it is one thing to post here about the "nevers", but if you verbalize it to him like that you run the risk of pushing him away. A good therapist should be able to point you both in the right direction in terms of good communication.

 

[JoAna]

Snow angel you are 100% right I should use never and always that is something I am working on so thank you for that bit of advise

 

[dms]

Great advice Snowangel1225. I just want to add that we carer really come with a lot baggage too so get into therapy ASAP!! I also have PTSD from childhood abuse. I use to have serious abandonment issues. I recently won my SSDI HEARING...HOORAY FOR ME!!! I spend the last 2 year in intensive therapy, I take my meds and I see a Psychologist.. I'm back attending church regularly . I walk and I just really like me again....Please just work on you. And only he can fix him..Blessing!!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Or Wow you haven't done enough research on PTSD

I know he is being a jerk when he says that to you, but it really helps to do some research. It may help you a lot more than it helps him. I find researching PTSD comforts me, for some odd reason. Sometimes when my vet is displaying symptoms it lessens the stress for me if I know they are "typical" symptoms related to his disorder.

There is a great "starter" book for supporters, called "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. besides explaining PTSD in simple terms, it deals with combat PTSD specifically, and has a whole section on communication and conflict resolution. It really is helpful.