Can't Decide If I Should Go To The Hospital Or Not

[Justmehere]

My PTSD symptoms are overwhelming me after 48 hours of triggers and more panic than I have ever felt in my life and I'm debating going to the emergency room.

Yesterday was the anniversary of 4 life threatening traumatic events on the same date (different years, same date - can't explain it, that's just how it happened.)

I had a session with my therapist yesterday, but we did it by phone because I was too dysregulated to feel safe take the train/public transit to her office. I was scared I'd randomly start crying and someone would ask if I was ok and I'd get more triggered and have panic on the train. My therapist strongly encourages me to just stay home, stay safe, and we would talk on the phone for my session time.

During the phone session, she walked me through some somatic experiencing work to try to calm my nervous system down, and it worked... But soon after we hung up, I was hit with another trigger. I spent the night shaking and crying.

Yesterday's phone session was already an extra appointment. I had asked for an extra appointment because of a triggery matter coming up this next week, and my therapist agreed it was a good idea. When I started getting undone about the anniversary, we moved the extra session to the anniversary date. Because I was so undone about the anniversary triggers, we never talked about the original reason for the extra appointment.

And now, with that original matter looming ahead before I see my therapist again, I'm really panicky and upset. I'm partly upset that I feel dependent on her at all. I have to talk to my landlady about a flashback I had, and I had been reassuring myself that u would sort it out with my therapist before I had to talk to the landlady. But really, I should be able to handle this in my own. I am making it about 5-10 minutes at a time not hyperventilating and then I start hyperventilating and shaking again. Every muscle in my body is sore.

I told my therapist yesterday morning I was thinking of going to the hospital, and she encouraged me to hang on until our session. I was surprised and I still am surprised I even feel any desire to go to the emergency room. I think it's a sign of how desperate I am, that I will try anything at this point. My therapist understood that. She also knows hospitals and doctors are a huge trigger. I avoid them in huge ways. She and I both were concerned I would go and ask for help and get treated badly and end up worse off. My trauma history includes a family member who hurt me at their office in a hospital.

Yesterday, I didn't have massive sucidual thoughts. These thoughts were there but I could keep them contained even when I couldn't keep the panic contained.

I'm doing every coping skill I know, and trying new ones. I get moments of success in lowering the panic, but then it comes back. I'm not eating or sleeping.

I'm scared if I call a crisis line, they will call the police and if I have to go to the hospital, I want to go by choice.

The sucidial thoughts scare me because the one thing that's working to keep me calmer is to think I have a way out eventually... I'm so desperate to feel better at all, I'm letting myself entertain the thoughts because it is pseudo-calming. I'm not close to acting on the suicidial thinking or planning, it's just that thinking about it is calming me. It seems weird I can't bring myself to tell my therapist, but I am thinking of telling strangers at the hospital.

I feel like chaos inside. Everything I'm feeling feels so chaotic and I'm scared I'm going to create more chaos around me.

Writing this out and posting it here is helping me endure this moment.

Any feedback or thoughts or support is very welcome.

 

[Nebulustrix]

You are experiencing a chemical imbalance that has your "scale" tilted all the way at the opposite end from someone with depression. I'm sure many of us understand here, but most out there in the world put enormous emphasis on depression and very little on anxiety. So - it can be hard to accept/recognize that what you are going through and feeling is basically the same thing, just going in the opposite direction.

I think it might be a good idea to try the hospital or at least discuss a new/different medication with your therapist that can assist in lowering your anxiety levels. Normally, I'm against medications, I prefer natural remedies as much as possible, but the sheer desperation I see in your post screams of someone in need of "outside" assistance.

It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to need help. If your anxiety level is so high that you simply cannot calm down, you need that help and should ask.

I know I probably needed this post just as much as you - reading yours struck a cord with me, as my anxiety level has been building and building over the last few weeks to a point I am now emotionally scattered. One moment I am fine, the next I'm in tears. I have chest pains, am shaky, tense, nervous.... I am so stuck on doing things for myself that I have been unwilling to seek assistance. Perhaps I should be taking my own advice.

 

[digger]

A crisis line aren't likely to call the police from what you've said here. I'm not sure where in the world you are, but I don't think it's standard for crisis helplines to involve anyone else without you asking them to.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You are talking here and that's a positive step to take. Keep talking.

You know like most of us here that the horror ends, even when it has felt like it never will, the chaos does calm again. .

Your therapist sounds really good. Do you ever imagine what she would say to you in this situation? It's something I do, and it helps to find that calming voice and to talk myself down.

You're not alone.You're doing ok, hang on in there and remember that the chaos will calm eventually.

 

[NarcSis]

I used to tell patients that, if in doubt go. It might make you better just to sit in the waiting room or vicinity of the hospital knowing that help is a stone's throw away, besides, you always have the option to leave on your own, right?

If you feel you are a real danger to yourself, get someone to help you - a friend, a family member or if there is no one else, a hospital. Of course, that being said, I don't know what your hospitals are like, I'm in Canada and our hospitals are (for the most part) a little more patient in dealing with psychological crises than many other countries.

I've been through this and I used my method to get me through it. I went limp. I went to bed, I laid there and stayed there until the worst of it passed. I took enough meds to put me to sleep and had someone take them away from me to prevent me from taking too many. I had to will myself to live with every ounce of my being and to be honest, will myself to stay put in that bed. I practiced deep breathing. I allowed myself to cry. I rocked back and forth to comfort myself and I did my best to shut out my wandering thoughts.

But I say again, if you have no one and you feel you are in real danger, go to the hospital and never fault yourself for needing help.

 

[Hashi]

Can you contact your therapist again and explain that you're in crisis? Maybe she could talk to you on the phone again. Or fit in another appointment before your next scheduled one.

I think you can call a crisis line anonymously. I've never given my name or location when I've called one. Like digger, I don't think they would take action. If you think about it, everyone who rings them is going to be pretty much suicidal - they'd have to follow up on every caller, and that isn't feasible. I don't know if it's different where you are for some reason, but I've never felt that calling a crisis line would result in them calling the police (and it never has).

Do you have to talk to your landlady before you see your therapist again? Can you postpone talking to her, text to say you have a stomach bug or something?

I'm not close to acting on the suicidial thinking or planning, it's just that thinking about it is calming me.

I do this too. I think quite a few people do, I remember there being a thread about it here on the forum. If you tell people about the suicidal ideation in these terms, I don't think there's a danger of them over-reacting. I'm also not sure you even need to tell your therapist, unless you want to tell her.

I really would call your therapist and/or a crisis line.

Keep working on the breathing, and try to keep sipping water. I know that might sound like a very minor thing but I find it makes a big difference. Not just staying hydrated, but the sipping itself seems to regulate the anxiety a little, and is grounding.

Sending you support.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I encourage you to call the crisis line. At most, they will tell you to go to the hospital yourself. I don't think they have the power to trace your call, especially if it's a cell phone as you could be calling from anywhere. Not to mention the fact that they'd be cutting off many people they need to help most if they traced calls ---- I mean nobody would call anymore.

I also think it may be time to try a new medication. If you're in this much crisis, then it is time to review your meds.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm in th US, in a state that's second from the bottom in mental health care funding so our ERs handle a lot of mental health issues - sometimes well, sometimes not.

I finally called a crisis line. It is a good idea, but I executed it badly.

I just hung up with them. I told them what I wrote here - even read my screen to help me say it. Then they just kept asking, "how can we help you?" They asked 3 times. No joke. I kept saying I don't know. They said if I don't tell them, then they don't know how they can help. I managed to refrain from saying to them, "if I knew what would help I wouldn't be calling!"

Instead, I cried. The crisis line person said, "what has worked in the past?" I told them what helps for anxiety before and they suggested I do that now. I told them I have been and it's not working, that's why I'm calling. I think my anxiety turned into anger.

They then told me if I didn't like the suggestions they gave then they could not help me. I have no idea why they thought any of this was about liking suggestions or not. If it helps I will do it endlessly and I will do it even if it doesn't help.

I don't know what I was doing wrong. They sounded like they thought I was screwing with them. I hung up and started crying really bad.

I came back to read here and I'm really glad I did. I'm not even asking for help well but posting here is keeping me thinking instead of just acting.

Thank you for the responses and encouragement and ideas. It means so much to me right now. I'm going to try another crisis line.

 

[Justmehere]

I just remembered my therapist saying I have a "capability" to sound super logical even when I'm massively dysregulated. She knows it's a coping mechanism, not me being screwy. Maybe that's what happened...,

@Solara and others,
I think you may be right about the meds. I'm currently not on any. I used to be. I had a serious side effect on one and they had to stop it suddenly. My doctor said let's try staying off and see how you do. I think this is a good sign I need something back, even just temporary.

I think a lot of trauma was stirred up this last week. I've been able to put it away to deal with later, in therapy, much better than right now. My therapist said that as I wrestle with one trauma, more might come up and try to "piggy back" on that one.

I am used to go numb a lot more... I've worked so hard to stop dissociating, and now this. Panic panic panic.

Intellectually I know this is part of the process but whoa this is too much. More than my body and brain and heart can do. Just too much.

@Meadowsweet - this is an interesting idea -

Your therapist sounds really good. Do you ever imagine what she would say to you in this situation? It's something I do, and it helps to find that calming voice and to talk myself down.

Sometimes I do imagine what she would say. It's new for me to do.

Right now, I am imagining that she would say to tell myself something very accepting of the symptoms and the goal of the symptom but set a "gentle but firm boundary" with myself. I'm a good self advocate, but not a very good ally with myself. She keeps telling me she understand why I go to war against myself, "but now is time to be gentle." I can hear her say that in my head and it makes me cry but not in a bad way. Almost like small relief.

She has been telling me to thank myself for even my negative thoughts - they were there to help me survive as a kid. She would tell me thinking I'm a failure and is hopeless is what kept me lying low as a kid to survive hell. Honestly, when she says this, I kind of feel like she is right and kind of like she is full of crap - and I have wondered so many times, how could this even help me feel better? I have even asked her, what's the point of thinking that? She's um... very patient... with me.

She would probably tell me to say to myself something like, "ok, thanks brain for the suicidal thoughts. This tells me that I want a way out of this anxiety and these PTSD symptoms very badly. I'm not going to entertain suicidal thoughts as the way out, but I do hear myself that I want a way out for things to get better. Let's find another way."

She would so say I should tell myself something like that. And typically, I would like at her funny.

I think I understand why now. It sounds totally crazy to say that to myself but oddly, writing it out now, I'm feeling a little bit more ok. Ah, now I'm typing through tears. I hate PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

At the ER, pacing in the waiting room.

 

[Nebulustrix]

@Justmehere - I hope it goes well! :) It sounds like your crisis-line person was inexperienced to say the least. Good for you for seeking out the help you need. I've been having a lazy day at home with my son to cope with my stress/anxiety, ordered pizza, and not going anywhere despite outings I had planned, and it is helping. Work is where my stress levels are at their worst, so I'm hoping to re-coop enough to handle another week, as my appointment to see a therapist isn't until the 8th. If next week is anything like this week though, I will probably end up taking myself to the doctor before my appointment as you have done today.

You are a strong person - reaching out to us here, to the need-line, and now to the ER to get the help you need. I will write here for you what I am telling myself, and hoping it will be some help for both of us -

There are some things we just can't control, even within ourselves and our emotions, and that's okay. I felt angry with myself when my anxiety started to feel unmanageable, but it is nothing to be angry about. Everyone has to deal with stress all the time, and sometimes it is just too much, and we need help. My mother has to medicate for her anxiety, slow herself down, and take it easy when she's taking on too much, and we are no different. It is important for us to recognize when we are getting overloaded and take whatever measures we can to help relieve our stress.

My thoughts are with you this tough day, as I sequester myself from the rest of the world and try to manage my own stress. I hope you are able to find some calm! *hugs*

 

[Rumors]

Sometimes I go to a library or a book store bc I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want anyone to talk to me. Those are places that are usually quiet and people are working on their own and aren't looking for conversation. I prefer a library. I put my earbuds in, listen to some relaxing tunes and look thru some magazines until I chill out a bit. Hang in there!!