Wife With A Whole Bag Of Problems

[truly caring]

My wife and I have been married for 1.7 years. I love her dearly but, it has been hell.

List of my wife's issues:

PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Sleep Disorder
ADD
IBS
Katacaronis
Inflamed hemrodes
Allergies
Asma like simptoms
Little over weight

Sorry for the spelling. If you don't know some of the names feel free to ask.

When we got married she did not have Asma like simptoms, was not over weight or imflamed Hemrodes. Because katacaronis she can not drive. My wife does work a full time job but, because her PTSD, Anxiety and Depression she virtually does no chores outside of work except cook dinner and make Grocery list.It is all left to me. food shopping, cleaning Apartment, Laundry, getting her medicine etc. some time doing everything over whelms me and I scream why can't you do it or it's 1PM on Sunday and I scream get out of bed already and help me. Half the marriage has been me screaming in frustration.

We want kids but, she says we can not have kids till I stop screaming. I think she does not understand how it is to deal with someone with this much baggage. Also we only have had sex twice in a year. Again she says it's because I scream. I think she does not know how it is to take care of someone with PTSD. I feel I never have time for myself or never spend time with my wife. She likes staying in the house addicted to the iPad.

I don't know if it is the depression or what. When we got married for the first month she would binge eat at night. She stop for over a year and is starting again even worse.

My wife goes to a Social worker once a week and a Phyciatrist once a month

 

[open eyes]

Honestly it's ridiculous for her to expect that much from you. No one should have to take care of their spouse as they would take care of a kid. Although I completely sympathize with your frustrations, screaming at her will get you nowhere. She's not a helpless baby. She's a grown adult and even though I don't know exactly what her situation is, it is completely unfair of her to dump all of her problems on you.

I don't think leaving her will help you either, because if you've stayed with her this long, you do really love her & want to make it work. But I think you would benefit from going to the social worker with her. They could come up with better suggestions than I could.

 

[Powder]

Has screaming helped or made everything worse?

 

[Nebulustrix]

1. Stop screaming at her
2. Stop taking care of her
3. Go to couples therapy

 

[truly caring]

We go to Couples Theropy. I really do love her. I have finally started to say no in a nice way to her and it feels great. I will stop doing her Laundry this week. The laundry annoys me the most.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not everyone is suited to be a carer. Sadly, love isn't enough when dealing with PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome the forums. It sounds like you are both dealing with a lot! That's rough. My heart goes out to you.

PTSD inherently involves anxiety and depression, and in attempts to manage the pain of it all, sometimes people use all kinds of substances to feel a little better - including binge eating food. PTSD causes a lot of stress on the body, and while PTSD doesn't include medical illnesses as a direct symptom, people with PTSD tend to have more inflammatory and autoimmune problems (like asthma) than the general population. What I am trying to say is that it is a lot of diagnoses and problems - but I am guessing there is one core issue - a lack of healthy coping skills to manage the stress and pain of unresolved trauma.

You are right, caring for someone with unmanaged PTSD symptoms can be very very hard.

I think it is great you are beginning to set boundaries with her. Really, it's so important! She may push back against them at first, but the more you can gently and firmly hold the boundaries you need, the better off you both will be. Caring for her and loving her doesn't mean you need to or should do everything for her - that ends up burning you out and she is never challenged to push herself as much as she could to get better and live the full life I'm guessing she wants to live.

If she gets upset about the laundry, try to not argue back as much as possible, but also don't do the laundry - hold your position. Remind yourself, if she has dirty clothes, she will be ok. Sometimes people care more than they can sustain because it's understandably really hard to let someone they love suffer with unmet needs. Sometimes the best thing someone can do for someone is to let some needs not be met. That pain will help them face themselves and their need to heal.

And yeah, learning to control you temper and not yell is important, but she has to be able to care for herself to bring kids into the picture - her clothing, food, laundry, medicine. Otherwise, how the heck is she going to do that for a newborn who needs those needs met 24-7.... I hope she would not expect you to do all the work caring for a kiddo.

 

[StarChild]

Hello @truly caring, I'm not sure, if I get everything right what you wrote, therefore I'd like to ask you some questions, for a better understanding of your situation.

My wife does work a full time job but, because her PTSD, Anxiety and Depression she virtually does no chores outside of work except cook dinner and make Grocery list.

How long did you know each other before you married? Did you already live together before you married? How was living together before you married? Are you too having a full time job? How long are your wife's working days, from when she lefts home until she returns? And how long are your working days?

I will stop doing her Laundry this week. The laundry annoys me the most.

What exactly does that mean, when you're saying "her" laundry? Does that mean, it's only her clothes? Or does "her" laundry include your clothes too?

some time doing everything over whelms me and I scream why can't you do it or it's 1PM on Sunday and I scream get out of bed already and help me.

Does your wife feel exhausted from her full time job? Does she have healthy sleep patterns? Does she sleep until midday, or is she just laying in bed and isn't willing to get up?

I know it's a lot of questions, but I'd like to get better look at the whole picture. Thank you in advance.

 

[truly caring]

At the end of 8.45 hours work day I still have energy but, after doing all the chores outside of work I am some burnt out at bed time. I usually have no time for myself. While my wife comes home and watches TV And gets on the Ipad

List of everything I usually do.

Her Laundry once a week ( we live in a apartment on th first lower. Every floor has a washer and dryer except the first floor) she says she can not lift the laundry and cary it because her asthma like symptoms.
Get all her medacine
Go food shopping once a week, bring it in and put it away.
Take her to her Social Workers one a week
Take her to her Psychologist once a month
To most doctors appointments
Vacuum apartment
Clean bathroom weekly
Pay all bills

It takes her for every to do something. I bought her a fish tank. I told her to go online and look but some fish she likes. She never did it.

We want to move to another apartment complex. I need to get the application in as soon as possible. After asking her for two weeks she finally did half of her part. Luckily I knew the rest of her part. She went to the psychiatric hospital 3 months after we got married and she stayed for a month. We got a 1,500 bill. I wanted to take of calling for installment plan. She keep telling me she would take care of. They sent a collections statement 3 times before she would let me do it.

Before we got married we did not live together. She told me of her problems but, never saw them till we got married.

I work 8 hours a day 5 days a week. My wife works about 32 hours a week. 4 7 hour days and one 4 hour day as a teachers aid.
Both are M-F

I do her and mine at the same time. It takes about 4 hours. If she helped or did it once and a while I could get much more done.

My wife is exhausted after work. On the weekend she just lays in bed because PTSD etc. But, she get home and get on the Ipad for hours.

 

[Lucycat]

I have PTSD and work full time. My husband is retired, but still works 10 hours a week. He does not have PTSD and he does much of the household chores.

However we share stuff. We alternate who is cooking the evening meal ( and cleaning up afterwards). We tend to do the laundry at weekends - he will do it one week and I do it the next. He does all the ironing ( he is better at it than me).

I will usually ask him to collect my medicines - when he is getting his own.
I will usually give him a shopping list for groceries - but I expect him to buy things if he notices we are short without me saying - milk for example. At weekend sometimes we go shopping together.
I take charge of the finances, and paying of bills etc ( although I would prefer he take more responsibility in this)

I am exhausted after work, but there are things that *have* to be done. I spend a lot of time on my ipad - but after everything else is sorted. At weekend I never stay in bed beyond 10am. That is a real treat to me. I always get dressed even if I am only lounging round the house.

I am not saying that she is not struggling, but it really sounds as if you need frank discussions about the housework. There may be things she does that you forget - and maybe she sees things differently? A classic is my husband never realises that bathrooms/toilets need to be cleaned!! But I do it happily because he does his share elsewhere.

Just a year and a half into the marriage, and you are screaming at each other about all this. I hope you are able to be open and honest in your couples therapy. I don't think either of you is seeing the other point of view at present.

 

[Lucycat]

Katacaronis

I have not heard of this condition. What part of the body does it affect ?

 

[Nebulustrix]

I'm sorry if this fails to be helpful, but reading this is quite honestly upsetting me. You are complaining about having to complete the tasks of every-day life by yourself and feeling exhausted, getting frustrated and angry with your wife when she does not help you, and then taking responsibility for things she needs to do on her own....

There will always be laundry. There will always be dirty bathrooms, dirty dishes, dirty floors, etc. And guess what? There are countless people who take care of all of those chores, on top of working full-time, all by themselves. It is not impossible. It does not have to be exhausting. You can still find time for yourself for outings, relaxation, etc while taking care of the everyday chores of home and working full-time. What did you do when you were living by yourself? Did you have a maid? Or did you do all the chores on your own?

I do understand that it can be frustrating to continue doing everything once you have a spouse that should be capable of helping and sharing the load, but it sounds like your wife isn't really all that capable mentally. Poor mental health takes its toll on physical health and could very likely be the cause of her asthma and weight gain. Her mental health will remain poor as long as she remains in conditions that are stressing her and avoids facing that stress so she can overcome it.

Yelling and shouting and getting frustrated with her will only make things worse, for both of you. Her- because being yelled at will perpetuate her stress and cause her to seek out things to help her avoid it - vegging out in front of the TV, Ipad, and staying in the bedroom. You- because getting frustrated over something you can't control (her decisions to do or not do anything at home) will only make everything more difficult than it really needs to be.

If there are certain things you want her to do at home to share the load and make things easier on you, just don't do them. She will take care of it herself when it reaches a state that she is no longer willing or able to ignore it. DON'T give her a hard time about it. DON'T do it for her. DON'T remind her to do it. Just leave it for her to do when she is ready.

Things like her doctor bills, she NEEDS to take responsibility for. She works and can find ways to pay her own bills. If she ignores it until it goes to collections and messes up her credit, that is on her. If you pay it for her, it perpetuates her avoidance behavior, because the problem "goes away" when she avoids it. She is an adult, capable of taking care of herself and being responsible for herself. What did she do before she lived with you? She has the ability to get done what needs to be done, even if she does not keep things on par with what you would like. And if she fails to take care of something, she needs to see the consequences so that she can learn from them.

You are two adults now sharing a roof - but living under the same roof does not mean you will see things the same way. Have you ever had a sibling or roommate that you had to share a bedroom with? Did that sibling/roommate keep things at the same level of cleanliness/organization that you did? Think about it- getting married isn't going to instantly make the two of you see things eye-to-eye or divide the labors evenly (and evenly doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 - she might not be capable of doing as much as you, but sometime down the line will be healthier and capable of doing more than you can). It will require talking things through, and coming to agreements and compromises about who will take responsibility for what and what is acceptable and is not.

I am sorry if this post comes across harsh - I am having a hard time keeping my own anger and frustration in check after reading your descriptions of your situation. It stings of an immature outlook on marriage, at the very least. And it brings up too many memories...