Poor Therapist Has Made Me Worse - Feeling Really Alone

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @ghotiff. Personally, I don't think it is weird, or wrong, to be wanting a diagnosis at all. I know for me, (finally) getting a diagnosis of PTSD was actually quite validating and almost a relief. But everyone has different experiences of course.

In my instance, I went through about 25 years of receiving diagnoses which pointed to me as being the problem. Which in turn, only added to and reinforced my feelings of being bad, damaged, and just generally a royal f**k up.

When a group of therapists at a partial hospitalization program I attended first mentioned PTSD a few years ago, I felt for the first time like, "OMG, so there really IS a reason I've been this way my whole life!?" It has been really helpful and insightful to begin piecing together the "WHY'S" of things.

So I short, I think it is quite helpful to receive the (correct) diagnosis of PTSD. Additionally, it is only then that you can begin to receive the appropriate treatment.

As for what you've mentioned regarding talking/sharing with friends - while I totally understand and relate to needing some kind of connection and understanding/outlet so as not to feel so alone, the layperson is just not equipped to respond appropriately or in a helpful way. Most will not have a clue as to what PTSD really means or entails, or have helpful advice. I mean, if you have a particular close/longtime friend that you want to open up to, I think that's one thing, but to generally seek and/or expect to receive anything in particular from sharing your history with others, I think that's pretty unrealistic and will only lead to disappointment and hurt.

My best advice is to find am experienced trauma therapist. He or she will be able to, pretty quickly, give you a yes or no to a PTSD diagnosis, and appropriately guide you from there.

Good luck!

PS - you WILL find that support and understanding from many here, on the forum. :)

 

[laurelheorot]

I don't know how helpful this is, but when I was faced with the challenge of "do I tell work I have PTSD?", I opted to tell them I had serious depression. As a 'diagnosis', Depression seems to me to be far more socially accepted than PTSD, which meant that I could take a few days off work here and there without being judged. Because Depression is fairly normalised to my boss (i.e. because it is more readily discussed in mainstream media and does not hold the same shame stigma that PTSD seems to have), it is far easier for me to justify taking a bit of time off: I can take a day or two here or there for self-care, so I can get myself back on my own axis and get myself ready for work again.

This strategy works really well for me: it allows me to carve out some time to take care of myself, without letting my boss/colleagues in on the fact that I have PTSD. Obviously, I don't know what your work environment is like, but perhaps telling a half-truth like "I have Depression/Anxiety" would allow you to have a bit of space without disclosing all the tricky nuances that come with having PTSD...?

Hope things are going vaguely okay for you :)

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks to you both. Your comments have really helped me work through this thinking.

to generally seek and/or expect to receive anything in particular from sharing your history with others, I think that's pretty unrealistic and will only lead to disappointment and hurt

Time to heal, your comments about friends is so spot on. I have told my friends because there are things I just can't do, eg touch, which once explained as due to CSA seem to be okay. Now with all this new stuff going on I have tried to talk to them but while at times it's helped, mostly it's been a disaster. Interestingly my new counselling office keeps referring to my friends as a support group and while I really value them and they can help for some more minor aspects, I agree with you that I can't actually "talk" to them.

Depression is fairly normalised

Thanks for these thoughts. I realise that I hadn't really thought this through enough. As I think through this, I realise if I cited Depression, my boss wouldn't believe me (don't act depressed at work, I hide it well) and then extending that I realise he probably wouldn't believe PTSD either. Even if he did, it wouldn't stop the boarder issue that I feel that my work performance has dropped and I feeling like I can't do my job (to my pre entering T level) is really upsetting me. Through all my craziness, my success at study and work has always been a sense of pride for me.

I'm doing okay. My suicidal ideation has stopped which is a great relief. I think SI coming back again was the biggest warning flag for me. Its 2 weeks and 3 days to go until my first appointment with my new T and I need someone to talk to and I really hope she will be that person.