Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Philippa]

My ex-T was trying to get me to be angry at eg my mother and her role in not protecting me from my childhood abuse. Well it worked, I am now angry (not livid, but annoyed) and I don't see how its helping anything.

If I can offer something here that may be valuable to you...I see anger as an emotion that can express your own importance. When someone has mistreated us, it can make a person feel that they are worth nothing and deserve nothing better. Getting in touch with anger is a way of affirming that we are important and it's not ok for anyone to treat us that way. It may not seem helpful to you now, but I think it is an important part of the healing process, and re-establishing a sense of importance as a human being. Anger allows us to say "no more, you've crosses a line that is unacceptable to me". It marks a boundary.

 

[ghotiff]

@Philippa Thanks for this insight.

 

[Philippa]

That's ok Ghotiff. I just read your post earlier, and it sounds like you had some anger that was misdirected at your husband, which you now feel remorse over. That's normal. If you aren't used to getting angry.

I think maybe your T was trying to steer you in the direction of directing your anger at your mother...which is where it belongs. From what I read, you seem to let her off the hook by rationalizing and saying "well, it wasn't her fault she's the way she is, and she couldn't help it".

This is very compassionate, but where is the compassion for yourself here? If she hurt you, she needs to be held accountable...and I know that it's rare that anyone who is told by their child that they hurt them will respond in an acknowledging way, that is helpful to the adult child, it may be something your T is wanting to explore with you, so that you can direct that anger at her pretending she is your mother...for the purpose of really getting out of you what you authentically feel about what happened to you. This is a bonafide helpful technique used by many therapists, and I've experienced the positive outcome of doing this.

This is just a guess though, and I could be way off base?

 

[ghotiff]

I think you are correct @Philippa and it fits with some of the other things that my ex-T has said. I know that I also do tend to 'rationalise'.

I suppose I find it really hard to reconcile my anger towards my mother. Firstly, she was not the only person who knew, but did nothing (my father also knew, as did many others). Secondly, I genuinely believe she lacked the emotional skills do do anything, in no way do I think there was malicious intent. Thirdly, I have kids of my own and I stuff up occasionally (eg I yelled at my husband in front of them just the other day). I hope and work on every day not stuffing up to a level that damages my kids...but how can I be angry at my mother and meanwhile not call in to doubt all the things I worry about doing or not doing with respect to my kids.

Also, maybe its relevant....I'm very scared of anger. Anger in others is one of my major triggers that can send me into a panic state. Personally, I don't do anger...I'm not an angry person...my ex-T did indicate that maybe this is a problem. But how to deal with this new found anger (which is only in its baby stages) and not impact my husband, kids, and job.....I don't know.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, and I'm sure these aspects of your mother are totally true and it would be hard to not see things from her point of view, since you are a mother as well and know how you can not always respond the way you would like to with your kids.

That does not change the fact that inside you feel hurt by what she did, and how she treated you! None of these reasons or rationalizations change what is going on inside your emotional realm.

Often our rational mind and thoughts can get in the way of us feeling these things, perhaps as an ultimate distraction from feeling them. It's much easier to make everything ok by taking into account all the reasons...it still doesn't change that you feel angry deep down though, does it?

It is totally relevant that you are scared of anger. Anger is a scary emotion. :) It's also one of the most reviled and socially unacceptable emotions to have...especially for a woman. Most people, most women get the message from a young age that it's not ok to get angry. This is a very unhealthy distorted way to think. Anger is a totally normal, healthy emotion to have, as long as we don't become addicted to it. Have you ever read the story of Kali?

Women who are angry are viewed in society as 'shrews' and thought of as 'unattractive' to men. This is the reason so many women are depressed, because they push down their anger in order to be accepted in society. I believe this mindset really needs to change. It's not gonna change in the psyche of most men though...but we need to start not worrying so much about what they think. ;)

Learning to harness and channel our anger in a non harmful way is a HUGE thing. I think it's a good thing your T suggested this. If you feel safe with her, eventually you may be able to express your anger in sessions...?

 

[Philippa]

There are ways you can get your anger out that won't hurt anyone. You can buy some old plates from an op shop and throw a Greek wedding. :D I still haven't done this, but the idea has always appealed to me. You can also take up boxing for women. Buy a punching bag and some gloves. Exercise. Ride a bike is a good way to dispell anger. Punching pillows. Screaming into pillows. All these things help.

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff I think personally (and it is only my opinion) that anger is a subset of fear. Fear perpetuates PTSD symptomology in my humble opinion. I am not prone to anger either but will express my opinion if I am not happy with something.

If I can give an example that may be removed from your anger so that maybe it won't put you 'into a space'. When I first melted 7 or so years ago I cried non stop for days. I never cried. But this was a never ending cry and I couldn't control it. I scared the daylights out of me. A friend took me to the hospital as she had known me for years and was very concerned.

So you see my experience that I recalled most vividly of crying was that I could not control it so again I went into a state of not allowing myself to cry. I was terrified of it because I feared it had power over me. Just recently my T discussed with me how crying can be. Like a spectrum. Not crying (or being angry) - not good. Crying too much (or being angry too much) not good. So the idea is to be somewhere in the middle.

After working on it I have finally gotten to the point that I have (once during very difficult circumstances) been able to cry, seek out a friend who soothed me and showed me in the end that I could stop and then change the emotion (we laughed). How empowering that was. I was able to feel it and then let it go.

So if anger is something you are just getting used to perhaps you are having a difficult time understanding how to let it go. Or recognizing that it doesn't have to stay with you. A change in emotions during the heat of the moment is a good thing - but for me it needed to be with someone that I trusted. So by rights, your husband allowed you to be angry and took care of the children and you by loving you. Accepting you. Can you focus more on that than the shame you feel in how anger hurts others?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not so sure what the point of this story is....I think I'm trying to link this whole discussion in this "Is it okay to be angry" thread to my ex-T's approach which was for me to discover my anger...I've discovered it, but its not doing me or my family any favours.

That's an interesting new development with regards to my own thoughts about this. When I spoke in the beginning about the justification people use, it has the tone of "I've put up with so much, so I have a right to tell people when they piss me off."

I feel similar to you about my own mother. I wrote a thread about it, and there seems to be this expectation that with mother issues, if the anger isn't felt then it must be hidden. But that's not how I feel about my mother. I'm missing a mother and I feel a deep sense of loss and neediness for a mother figure sometimes. But I'm not angry - I never expected her to be there or protect me because the bond was never built, so she didn't let me down. Here's the thread if you want to see if you relate to anything: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/women-mother-relationships.40068/

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I felt that I had been pushed into a corner over a stupid thing like venting. They could not seem to get that by just venting I was already helping myself. It turned into a 40 page thread, and many people expressed how ridiculous it was and didn't get involved, but the main people who were insistent on debating the "issue", would not let up.

You were upset you felt misunderstood?

I felt ganged up on and I think it just triggered me. I wasn't in the best place back then either. None of these people had PTSD, and they didn't get how much I needed to vent or what it was like...and didn't care much either. They were all there to 'grow as people'. I was on the wrong forum, but I had friends there that I enjoyed interacting with, so mainly stayed for them up until then...but even they started turning against me. One of them later apologized and realised that he hadn't seen it from all angles.

It sounds like their spiritual growth method indeed includes venting! 40 pages?! LOL

I said that no one had to enter the thread unless they wanted to...deposit some crap of their own. Venting isn't there for everyone to watch...it's there for the person to get out of themselves, for THEIR own benefit. They didn't get it.

No they don't get it. And most likely never will ...until they understand the valuable benefit venting provides in savings ones sanity.

It just turned into this ridiculous debate where everyone started voting that they didn't want a vent thread...that it was akin to being a "toilet" for negativity...and because they were all so "positive" and spiritual, they felt that it would bring their vibe down.

They didn't want a vent thread because they were afraid of their own anger. And they proved it by ganging up on you.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

My belief is that any therapist who tries to get us 'angry' rather than to a point of understanding of the dynamics that have led to our having survived a dysfunctional household and how that affects us now is dysfunctional in itself. Yes, your mother may have played a role in not protecting you, and so did my father. I love my father (although he died 30 years ago). A therapist tried to have me be angry at him for not protecting me and I challenged her on it. I choose not to be angry about it. I know he was human just like all of us. I prefer to come to a place of understanding and then process how that affected me and let it go. At the end of all of this I don't want to be spreading anger to others. It just keeps the cycle going.

Absolutely! Understanding dysfunction prevents you from becoming angry. It is why we/I survived!! I agree with your belief any therapist who tries to get us angry rather than to a point of the dynamics that have led us to surviving a dysfunctional household and how that affects us now is dysfunctional in itself. Rule number one in surviving a toxic dysfunctional enviroment...anger keeps the cycle going. Don't join the madness. I wanted to ask the poor woman where she got her degree. Her IQ instantly dropped 50pts!

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I think personally (and it is only my opinion) that anger is a subset of fear. Fear perpetuates PTSD symptomology in my humble opinion. I am not prone to anger either but will express my opinion if I am not happy with something.

I wholeheartedly agree. Anger is the fear of facing a sad reality. A sad reality is a childhood enduring abusive parents/siblings. Acknowledging reality frees your heart from anger. :)

 

[Philippa]

You were upset you felt misunderstood?

You could say that I suppose. I had a lot of people prior to this accuse me of attacking them, when I know that wasn't my motivation. I'd been accused of everything from racism to being 'anti-man' and had LOTS of people disparaging me for expressing myself honestly.

One example was when I reached out for help, as I was at work and feeling suicidal and didn't know what to do. I was having urges to stab my eye with a pen, and some guy came on and told me to pray to jesus, which helped about as much as having tits on a bull. I didn't hold back in my reply to him, and was then ganged up on by everyone else for not being nicer to him for 'helping me'...which only further antagonized me.

I find that it is expected that even when someone says something totally unhelpful, social etiquette requires that I am nice and polite to them, for having good intentions...and I usually don't react that way, but my honest response to him was extreme aggravation at having someone tell me what to do rather than listen to me when I was in extreme amounts of pain.

I resent the fact that I am expected to respond in a way that does not come across as rude to people who say unhelpful things to me, when they are not given any kind of reprimand for saying things that are not only unhelpful, but inconsiderate and sometimes invasive.

Yes, I felt very misunderstood, and judged as being a pain, or being negative for trying to help myself in a way that worked for me,

It sounds like their spiritual growth method indeed includes venting! 40 pages?! LOL

That is one way to look at it, yes. :D

No they don't get it. And most likely never will ...until they understand the valuable benefit venting provides in savings ones sanity.

I couldn't believe so many people had no understanding of the therapeutic affect venting can have. I think they misinterpreted venting as complaining...which I agree, complaining can be a real drain and create a bad atmosphere if done too regularly by the same person. I steer clear of people who complain all the time, but I don't mind people venting. I can see the difference. They couldn't apparently.

They didn't want a vent thread because they were afraid of their own anger. And they proved it by ganging up on you.

Bingo! I did have two friends who came to my side and they both left with me, after telling the others that they were being bullies.