leafytrees
New Here
I'm sorry you've been through so much, sidptitala.
I've barely shared anything outside of my family of origin (which has sadly resulted in greater distance from them), but when the subject of my father has come up elsewhere people have generally assumed that we must be close and that "deep down, he meant well..." It's so far from the reality of my experience, which makes me feel gaslighted and unseen. He was sadistic, played psychological mind games and enjoyed what he did. He took no interest in my development or wellbeing, but was charming and liked to pretend to play the doting father outside of closed doors. Society doesn't want to know about it. To a certain extent I get it, fathers aren't supposed to be like that and it sounds far-fetched. People have no frame of reference for it because it's usually just so far away from their own experience with their fathers.
I think because fathers are traditionally seen as the 'head of the family' (mine definitely was), to defy the natural order of things and speak out about abuse doesn't sit well with other family members. I'm just starting to process how dysfunctional the whole thing is (to "smell and taste the dead rat" as Irene Lyon has described it) and how it has perpetuated my shame response. It's impossible to have any meaningful connection with family when they minimise your experiences and distance themselves.
Any natural anger I might have felt about what was happening to me was quickly intimidated out of me by my father, so it left me with no healthy sense of indignation and self-preservation. I think healthy fathers are generally seen as protectors and can help their children nurture good enough self-esteem, so I've definitely felt a huge lack in that area.
I think it's something that people don't see when it's working to their benefit, simply because they don't have to. If their own fathers are treating them well enough, or if they've compartmentalised any abuse, then there's no need for their brains to go down that uncomfortable path. I think finding it disgusting is actually a healthy response when you've been abused by your own father. Society massively enables abusive behaviour by elevating people's parental status. I think it confuses the importance of active, well-intentioned parenting with the simple title of 'parent'. It allowed my father to neglect my needs and yet somehow still get praised for being a 'father'. I'm with you on this one, the romanticism is disgusting.
Yes, absolutely. I often feel guilty for it too because I know that most men are safe and that I was just really unlucky to have my father. When I worked in offices I was always tense because my nervous system incorrectly sensed a threat and would want me to get out of there.
I've barely shared anything outside of my family of origin (which has sadly resulted in greater distance from them), but when the subject of my father has come up elsewhere people have generally assumed that we must be close and that "deep down, he meant well..." It's so far from the reality of my experience, which makes me feel gaslighted and unseen. He was sadistic, played psychological mind games and enjoyed what he did. He took no interest in my development or wellbeing, but was charming and liked to pretend to play the doting father outside of closed doors. Society doesn't want to know about it. To a certain extent I get it, fathers aren't supposed to be like that and it sounds far-fetched. People have no frame of reference for it because it's usually just so far away from their own experience with their fathers.
I think because fathers are traditionally seen as the 'head of the family' (mine definitely was), to defy the natural order of things and speak out about abuse doesn't sit well with other family members. I'm just starting to process how dysfunctional the whole thing is (to "smell and taste the dead rat" as Irene Lyon has described it) and how it has perpetuated my shame response. It's impossible to have any meaningful connection with family when they minimise your experiences and distance themselves.
Any natural anger I might have felt about what was happening to me was quickly intimidated out of me by my father, so it left me with no healthy sense of indignation and self-preservation. I think healthy fathers are generally seen as protectors and can help their children nurture good enough self-esteem, so I've definitely felt a huge lack in that area.
I think it's something that people don't see when it's working to their benefit, simply because they don't have to. If their own fathers are treating them well enough, or if they've compartmentalised any abuse, then there's no need for their brains to go down that uncomfortable path. I think finding it disgusting is actually a healthy response when you've been abused by your own father. Society massively enables abusive behaviour by elevating people's parental status. I think it confuses the importance of active, well-intentioned parenting with the simple title of 'parent'. It allowed my father to neglect my needs and yet somehow still get praised for being a 'father'. I'm with you on this one, the romanticism is disgusting.
Yes, absolutely. I often feel guilty for it too because I know that most men are safe and that I was just really unlucky to have my father. When I worked in offices I was always tense because my nervous system incorrectly sensed a threat and would want me to get out of there.
