I'm interested in hearing from other people abused by their fathers

[sidptitala]

Hi to everyone,

For those of you who were abused by your father, do you feel like it affected you differently than it would have if it were someone else? Does it affect how free you feel to talk about it and the relationship you can have with your family? The way you relate to authority, men, houses, families?

For me, the fact it was my father seems like a much bigger deal than it would be if it was a grandfather, cousin, uncle etc. He probably wouldn't have been allowed to be so violent if we didn't depend on him economically. Because his violence was so brushed off and justified as something we deserved (in the family, in society at large too) he could get away with being sexually violent because I didn't understand any distinction between physical and sexual violence as a child- I just knew that 'he's allowed to hurt me.' It's why I could think about it as discipline he's allowed to mete out because I must be doing something bad, even though I knew from school that an adult shouldn't touch you in certain places. There was a caveat in that statement that parents were allowed to- so he had double permission ( on the one hand to hurt you and on the other to touch forbidden places, separately and at the same time).

It also seems like there is enormous social pressure to reconcile, and to pretend to adore him- which would not be the case if he was a random male member of the family. As time goes on I find so much romanticism about fatherhood so disgusting. Maybe this is a problem or maybe I'm seeing what no one else sees? Either way I feel a lot of pressure from family and also from society to make learning to love him the central project of my life. Do other people feel this way?

(Maybe I just come from a very patriarchal culture? Because I do. Do other people feel this way?)

There are so many other effects too I think. I feel safer on the street at 3am than in a room with a man with a closed door, especially when I don't know where the exits are- does anyone else feel this way? The scariest thing in the world to me is being under the authority of a man. I think for me this is scarier by far than when I ran from soldiers during a war?

Anyway, I know these are probably unique to me but I really am interested in hearing from other's about how it being your father affects you.

 

[Hopelesswanderer]

Hi there,

I completely relate to your post. I was abused for years by my step-dad and was constantly told that what he did was okay because he was now my “father”. I have found that as an adult, I inherently do not trust dads, especially dads with young girls. In public, when I see these relationships, I feel panicked and terrified. Father’s Day is the WORST and I usually end up staying away from social media or celebrations.

 

[arfie]

no, sid, i don't believe this is unique to you and i, nor do i believe you and i, nor our respective cultures are freaks for these symptoms. viewing parents as your everything is hardwired into the human species. when the humans genetically engineered to protect you betray that natural trust, the child has no foundation, whatsoever, on which to develop, much less understand, "trust." i know i have trust issues across the board from my own parental abuse. in my case, both of my parents were abusive. i don't instinctively trust women any more than men.

i also believe those wounds can be healed. hope healing happens here.

 

[Rose White]

do you feel like it affected you differently than it would have if it were someone else?

I don’t know how to compare what happened to me with what could have happened to me.

I used to think that because my father sexually abused me as a baby I was beyond repair, broken forever. Sometimes I still slip into that lie. It’s a lie that was helpful for me because it made me angry which gave me energy to survive.

But I noticed that it was pretty common for folks here who had been sexually abused and tortured to believe they were broken beyond repair regardless of who did it and what anyone’s gender was.

Also I don’t believe it’s possible to be broken at a fundamental level. Changed, yes, broken, no. I am not an object and as long as I’m alive I am able to grow and love something.

 

[Aprilshowers]

My father was a narcissistic, cruel, abusive (in every way possible) monster who ruled with an iron fist. He was a dictator, a terrorist, and a Bully. I was terrified of him. How could that not leave a person traumatized and broken? I couldn't even pray because I was taught that God was our "Father." Ouch! Everything I knew about fathers was BAD! If God was a father, count me out.

It's been a long painful journey for me, but healing is possible. Healing does leave scars - often ugly ones. Those war wounds make me who I am today - a busy Christian wife, mother, grandmother, friend, and so much more who lives a blessed, contented life. I've forgiven, moved on, and am grateful for all of the lessons I've learned as I've traveled the jagged path of my life, even the painful, difficult lessons. It's taken me a LONG time to get here, but this peace was worth the wait.

 

[Weemie]

My dad hits all the diagnostic criteria for ASPD and once opportunistically abused me while high on crack. I didn't meet him until I was 18, and didn't grow up with him, though I then lived with him from 19-24.

I don't really view it as being any different from being abused by anyone else, as I never bonded to him as a father figure at all. It's just something I shrug off, as the event wasn't particularly a big deal to me even though I imagine it might have been to someone else.

My suspicion is that the reason I was able to be resilient to it is because I simply viewed him as a random 'male member of my family' as opposed to my 'dad.' I even called him by his first name, most of the time.

 

[elizabeep]

i grew up with only my father, no siblings or mother. i never really learned the idea of "father-figure". he was extremely emotionally abusive, and i could never know what he would be next. he would project all his anger on me and make it my responsibility, then after a few hours he would switch to being sad, begging for forgiveness and love. and i couldnt provide that, making him angry and the cycle continues.

he expected me to be his mom, lover, and therapist all at once. but i was just a teen.

its usually hard to see my father as even a human. incomparable to other's parents, or men in general.

(btw thank yall for your posts, this is something im interested in too and its cathartic to read yalls stories)

 

[sidptitala]

I have found that as an adult, I inherently do not trust dads

I couldn't even pray because I was taught that God was our "Father." Ouch! Everything I knew about fathers was BAD! If God was a father, count me out.

I understand both of these things so much. Yeah, I'm deeply suspicious of the way fathers are automatically assumed to be acting from love and protection.

when the humans genetically engineered to protect you betray that natural trust, the child has no foundation, whatsoever, on which to develop, much less understand, "trust." i know i have trust issues across the board from my own parental abuse.

This helps so much to hear, thank you @arfie

I don’t know how to compare what happened to me with what could have happened to me.

But I noticed that it was pretty common for folks here who had been sexually abused and tortured to believe they were broken beyond repair regardless of who did it and what anyone’s gender was.

These are both such good points. I think for me I never really believed that- but I do believe that plenty of other people see it that way, and see me as a target for further abuse because of that. I do think if it was a stranger, or a partner, I would have the support of my family. But because it's him, I never will.

I don’t believe it’s possible to be broken at a fundamental level. Changed, yes, broken, no. I am not an object and as long as I’m alive I am able to grow and love something.

So i ask myself, if I am the only person who thinks ^ this about me, is that enough to heal? It is possible to be more than an object, when others with the power to hurt you see you as one?

i never really learned the idea of "father-figure

its usually hard to see my father as even a human. incomparable to other's parents, or men in general.

he expected me to be his mom, lover, and therapist all at once

My suspicion is that the reason I was able to be resilient to it is because I simply viewed him as a random 'male member of my family' as opposed to my 'dad.'

I relate to all of these points. @Weemie's point is where I am trying to be. I try to think about him not as some all powerful demi god, but just some guy who doesn't matter. Just a person in the family that I don't really need to know.

 

[Rose White]

I do think if it was a stranger, or a partner, I would have the support of my family.

One would hope! I do rather enjoy reading stories about children who were sexually abused by strangers being wrapped up in the many arms of their family and community.

I think part of the reason that sexual abuse toward children is so damaging to their psyches is that most of the time it is a family member or friend of the family or someone who becomes close to the family for the purpose of preying on a child.

And often the reason the child is vulnerable is due to a rotten family dynamic of emotional abuse and manipulation which is embedded not only in the family culture but also unfortunately in the neighborhood and community culture.

My grandma was sexually abused by men who worked with her father. Her dad ran a grocery store and she hung out there and a couple of the workers got her. She didn’t tell her family for years, then told a cousin, and when it came out her father was furious and said if he had known he would have killed them. Which terrified her further because she didn’t want to feel responsible for anyone’s murder. Her family was full of alcoholics so the only support she got was pretty much gossip and rage. She lived her life as a collapsed and immature woman. My point is that even if it’s strangers, that doesn’t guarantee anything.

The comparison game will grind you into a hole every time. If you can face the reality of your own experiences then you have a chance of untying the thoughts and beliefs that bind you.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Parents are supposed to protect and care for us. It's their responsibility to give us what we need and protect us from harm. So as children we naturally trust their judgement. And are hard-wired to see them as role models. It means it's hard to quantify their actions as wrong, especially compared to other members of the family who usually have less access to you, and aren't "supposed" to fill that role, in the mind. That's why we turn on ourselves when parents are bad to us, I think. It's much easier to conclude you're the problem than them.

Even as adults/older teens their social and physical power is scary and can control you. Even if you're physically stronger.

I'm alienated from my biological parents now but I find trusting older men difficult. One-on-one most difficult out of everyone else one-on-one.

 

[katz]

I was abused by both my father and my grandfather. The family was able to deal with my grandfather, because he had passed on before I remembered.

My dad, however, is still alive. He is 98 years old. No one in the family will acknowledge it or speak of it. It will always be the "elephant in the room" for the family.

I don't know how anyone will react after he passes. I'm not even sure how I will feel. Or even if I want to speak to them about it.

Years ago I reached out and told....the family erupted and blamed me. It was like being traumatized all over again. I even publicly apologized for accusing him.

I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself now...

Because of growing up in this environment, I never told any of the family about the other "strangers " who attacked me. I had learned that home is dangerous and family is not support.

I guess I hoped he would say something to me now that he is so old. But, no luck. Oh, well.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

My bio father made himself scarce when I was a kid (and thus, left me undefended against the demon known as my biological mother.) However, he is an extremely creepy, immoral, hedonistic, lawbreaking, womanizing piece of excrement. I’m horrified I’m related to him.

He once bragged about his sexual exploits to me when I was barely out of my teens and barely knew him. He tried to get me to move in with him. Sometimes, I wonder if he was intending to groom me, somehow. What kind of a “father” brags about his sexual exploits (ps: I think it was bullshit; he is repugnant and unattractive, not any kind of God’s gift to women that he thinks he is!) I think father is NPD or maybe fullblown antisocial PD. He is a known liar and a cheat and he seems utterly unbothered about it.