Addicted To Depression?

[NightShadows]

I am much better than I was about a year ago thanks to many people who believe in me, but I do get short spells where I can't bear the memories and I sit alone, feeling alone, or I just cry. I feel like sometimes I'm addicted to sadness, that it is my comfort. I will say I love the poems I write when I feel hopeless; it has fed my dark, creative side. And I'm into dark music as well, which never used to be before the trauma. I don't like being sad, and as I said, I feel much happier after I knew people cared about me. But I feel I'll never fully recover because I'm used to the darkness. If this makes any sense.

 

[zeckster81]

When I am "non compliant" on my meds I find myself not wanting to getting better. I start to feel sorry for myself and can't get out of my mood. I don't seem to mind being in the mood. Now that I am "compliant" I am still very depressed, but I have a desire to get better. I am looking for ways to get out of the depression.

Not sure if that helps or is related, but felt an urge to write it to you.

 

[Candleflames]

But I feel I'll never fully recover because I'm used to the darkness.

I think that it depends on what you mean by "fully recover." If you mean to get to who you'd be if the trauma never happened you might be right. That doesn't mean that you can't find a new way of existing, and even thriving, while learning from all of your life experiences.

I say this because I don't have a before the trauma. It started when I was too young. I've decided that I can never be a person who has never experienced the horror, as my T calls it, of my past. I can become a person who has risen from my adversity to become a phenomenal person of my own creation. We all have dark sides and there exist beauty in this part of us as well. You can incorporate this part of you into your whole being. By doing that you have the opportunity to truly appreciate the good things in your life.

Try to allow yourself the room to feel the full range of emotions and realize that that is part of being a human being. It's ok to embrace all of you.