Should Be A Red Letter Day

[desiderata310]

Damn it. I shouldn't feel like this. I should be happy. I should be floating on cloud nine

I'm not.

My son got out of the hospital and called me Friday to tell me the news: he has PTSD and major depression. We both know why he has the PTSD and the depression is related directly.

Sunday, I ran the fastest half-marathon I've ever raced on the hilliest course I've ever been on.

Today, I want to go hang myself.

Saturday, I went out with a guy. Had dinner and went back to his place to 'listen to music'. I knew where this was headed but I was unable to stop it. It just felt inevitable. I was on a slow ride to hell and there was no way around it.

After he was done, it all just felt so cheap and dirty. I didn't enjoy it. I spent the entire time trying not to completely freak out. He didn't force me. I just didn't have the wherewithal to keep it from happening.

Today, I hope to never see him again. Today, I keep thinking about suicide. Today, I faxed off the packet and continuance so that S can be served.

Told Z about it. He spoke of standing up for my happiness:

"You're worth the fight"

"Worth the fight? Problem is, I don't really believe that. I'm still struggling with 'having the right to be here'. meh. Like I said I don't like me much right now."

"Well that's the big battle to be taken one step at a time."

Problem is I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of the battle. I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of hating me. I'm tired of feeling that nothing I do is good enough. I'm tired of not belonging in my world, my gender, my skin.

Endorphins aren't enough to make it better.

Therapy hasn't made it better.

I just want this to end.

 

[Storm-ridden]

((((@desiderata310 )))) I don't have the words to make you feel better; I wish I did. All I can say is that I've been there, and have eventually felt better enough to take another small step. Found out its worth it in the end, even if it doesn't seem like it in the beginning, or even the middle of the fight. I'm pulling for you, and hope you get some relief from the depression and horrific thoughts.

 

[Notsowild]

@desiderata310... You belong in this world and you always have us on this forum. We understand what you're going through. I've been feeling this way for weeks and the wonderful people on here have helped me a lot. Keep talking to us. You are one of our family:hug:

 

[Promicarus]

@Link Removed

Thank you for your honesty. You inspired me, today. It takes strength to admit to "weakness"/imperfection...and I believe that, conversely, doing so, as proof of strength, makes one stronger. You're not keeping it as a deep dark shameful secret you're hiding from the world.

And while that might seem like a minor point, it's not. Because those who are still hiding, still hoping to project the "flawless" image to the world...are the ones who are really beyond help. They have yet to get honest, even with themselves.

I hope you can keep it in perspective...that the struggle against trauma-related symptoms is a marathon, not a sprint, and there are hills and valleys on the way. But not so easy when you're struggling up a hill, at the moment, I know.

I can only say that these kinds of feelings are pretty reliably part and parcel of the day after a regrettable sexual experience. Ever hear the term "The Walk Of Shame"? So it's a common experience, even to "normies". Why would you be different?

Give yourself a break. It's far worse to feel bad about feeling bad than to just...feel bad, after all. Just allow yourself to feel bad, in the first degree, without pushing it into "feeling bad overdrive", by feeling bad about it. :)

Feelings are just that. Feelings. I've learned that its in fighting them and hanging on to them, that the worst damage is done. When I simply notice them, stand back from them, and allow them to wash over me...they subside without doing all of the extra damage, psychically. When I start to feel overwhelmingly horrible feelings, I literally stop, and just say to myself, "Hm. Well. Would you look at that. That's a pretty intense yucky feeling. Oh, well."

Easier said than done, at first, I know. But you are not your feelings. They are just that-Feelings. You HAVE feelings. You are NOT your feelings. Don't let your feelings HAVE you.

Been there, done that, and have a closet full of the t-shirts. Wish I could give you a hug in this trough. But you're a marathon runner, after all, anyway, right? Again, thanks for your honesty.

 

[desiderata310]

It's not regret or the walk of shame. Nice enough guy and all- it felt like ... Trauma. All I could think about was S while it was happening.

Add to that the continuance for the restraining order. The fact that S is the reason that my oldest has PTSD and tried to kill himself. That it's my fault that he went through that because I couldn't get us out of there.

Goddamn it. My chest hurts so damn bad...

 

[Promicarus]

Feeling that we deserve our pain is no better reason to hold on to it...as though doing penance. Not that you are, or that your pain is any less legitimate, as an experience, at this point. But I hope you will choose to let it go, as well.

I doubt that holding on to it would be of any service to your son, at this point. And this point is where you--and he--are.

Be well.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Goddamn it. My chest hurts so damn bad...

Take some deep breaths, you are going through a lot right now, and it is an insurmountable amount of pain. I just want you to know that it is extremely normal and perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do given your situation. I know it's difficult and exhausting, but instead of fighting feelings, let yourself feel what you need to feel and it eventually will pass. Have you contacted your therapist lately? Now might be a time to reach out for extra support.

Sending safe, gentle hugs your way!

~Holly

 

[desiderata310]

My appointment is this afternoon. I hate bothering him.

 

[TLight]

Dang guys...took me till I was 48 to realize I can say no to sex. They can go take care of it themselves when they get excited. It's not your problem.

Now, when I date I have told myself that if anyone even attempts to kiss me and I'm not in that space, I can back up and not do it. Not worth exacerbating your symptoms just to not offend some bull with a hard on.

 

[ButterflyBean]

My appointment is this afternoon. I hate bothering him.

I don't think your bothering him at all! Therapists are there to support us when we need them; at least they should be, so I would think he would want you to call him when you were having an especially difficult time. I know it's hard to ask for support, but you should not feel guilty for bothering him. It's his job to help you when you need it most. Let us know how your appointment goes.:hug:

 

[desiderata310]

I finally determined it wasn't the guy at all that had anything to do with anything. Just something else that happened in my world. Neither good or bad.

I've been a mess today. As I was getting ready to leave for work I had a full out flash back. I relived an event that happened and was not aware that I am in present day and not there. While I've had flashes- that is, just moments of confusion where I always knew what was happening around me I've NEVER had a full out flash back.

We talked about this today in therapy. Both of us were concerned about what that could be about. It's never been a symptom before. He had me talk about the whole picture: how I lost myself in S, what made me realize that I had to leave. It was a difficult session. Re-telling the story is hard.

I asked him if the suicidal thoughts would go away eventually. He said yes.

We talked about my running- it was part of my story. Running was part of me trying to save my own life and find myself again in the midst of all the abuse. At the end of the session I confided that I was thinking about going for a ultra. Not just any ultra but Leadville. He smiled and said that it didn't sound crazy. That it made sense to him: I literally run for my life.

He's right.

My therapist is out of town starting Thursday. I am actually scared of that. He made me promise that if I had another flash back or needed him that I would call as he would still be available by phone the whole weekend.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry.