I Feel Lost

[Space_heretic]

I've recently found out I have ptsd. When I talked to the therapist I was asked if I felt like I wanted to kill myself or hurt others. Well I partly lied out of fear of going to a mental institution. I don't really know what's going on in my head I don't have any real intentions of harming myself or others I just think about it all the time.

Alittle about myself I grew up in a broken home my dad was in prison most of my life and my mom got a boyfriend well I was tortured(in my eyes) being subject to forced feeding and some pretty significant beatings I remember being tied up in a blanket for two hours once with rope and being kicked out of my house for accidentally letting out a dog. My mom pretended it didn't happen well fast foreward in my life a bit.

I was sick of being in the area as a adult.I left to join the army to escape those memories. Well what a mistake that was joining a combat mos(job) and going to Iraq and Afghanistan loosing friends and seeing some pretty horrific stuff I'm in a worse spot. I just got to a new unit and before this I was considered a stellar nco(non commissioned officer) immediately I was labeled as a piece of crap by all the other NCOs the current 1sgt has it out for me literally. He told me yesterday drop my profile(shoulder injury from Afghanistan awaiting surgery) or he will find a way to kick me out. Today he belittles me in front of my soldiers which in the military world is undermining ones authority.

Since coming back from Iraq I no longer deem people real as in they don't actually exist. I only have a few friends but I believe that all people just want me for something not just my friendship.

When I got back from Afghanistan I shut down I only have one friend now who just so happened to follow me from my last unit. I tell him about my problems and in my eyes he doesn't seem to care. My wife doesn't seem to understand it's very frustrating. I think my wife thinks I'm lying I'm pretty sure she's said that before.

I was recommended by three doctors to start a med board for a unrelated issue but I'm scared. I don't know why but I'm scared I'll be punished.. I know I have a lot written in this post I just had to get it out.what I wrote is a small glimpse of what I've been through

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry you are in the spot you are in. I hope you have a good therapist that fits with you and offers your real help and hope.

The journey towards healing and recovery is a long one that is very painful but oh so worth it.

Please do not give up on the therapy process. Read and research PTSD and you will find many answers and explanations to your questions.

Please continue to post on the forum. I have been here for two years and all of the support I got from people going through the same thing is a great gift to me.

There is so much help and hope here.

I believe you. I understand how bad it can be.

You are so worth fighting for.

I wish you the very best in your healing and recovery.

 

[open eyes]

I've learned some things about therapy throughout years of it & multiple hospitalizations. One of those things is if you're going to see a therapist, the only way they can help you is if you're honest. If you lie to them, you lie to yourself a little as well. You get as much out of therapy as you put in.

Just to clarify with something else you said, there is a difference between a mental hospital and a mental institution. Hospitals are for people who need to be stabilized & will afterwards be discharged, institutions are for people who are too sick to function in society.

I'm sorry that you feel no one understands. This forum can help a lot with that.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Muzikluvr]

The thing about disconnecting with people is that you have an opportunity to explore who you are and what you value without intrusive judgments from outsiders getting in the way. But, you have to value yourself most of all. It seems selfish, but it's like saving yourself so you can help others or you won't be able to help anyone. People are constantly spreading their opinions around. You need to focus on what you expect others to be like, and try to be that. It's pretty difficult, really.

I wasn't in the military, but my dad wanted me to behave a certain way... so he could respect me, and he never did respect me. But, I found out later that if I would have rebelled and done what I thought was right, even if it had been a mistake, then even if he hadn't respected me... I would have respected myself, and that is worth more than anyone else's respect. Dad didn't want to respect me, it is in his best interests to continue to scapegoat me. So. Anyway.

I don't know what the deal is with your superior, but if you can't earn his respect... you might as well try earning your own.

I hope you get some good advice here.
Muz

 

[shimmerz]

This forum can help a lot with that.

Many times it is so important to just feel connected to others and it helps us to learn techniques that ground us instead of having that lost feeling inside. There are tools. There are people that can help 'bring you back'. Just feeling like someone else (or many others) understand can be very powerful.

I don't think there is anything you can put out there @Space_heretic that more than a few of us haven't experienced ourselves or can at least relate to.

 

[Loner]

I don't think a therapist is going to send you to a mental institution just for saying you were thinking about suicide. I think they would need to think you were at least thinking very serious about attempting it. If you tell them that you are thinking about suicide, although not seriously considering it, then you would be able to explore that issue with them without fear of reprisal.

I mean, unless your suicidal thoughts really are that serious, and I hope they are not.

 

[Space_heretic]

Well I've started some sort of therapy plan with the therapist.

Since my last meeting though my depressions been worse. It's partly through fear of being alone. A few days ago my wife cut her hear really short I was rather surprised because she knows I like her with long hair. I thought it strange but told her I liked it than went about my day. Later in the evening she text me two strange memes one about tasting the rainbow and another about being more gay than straight. I asked what was up with that she said it was on Pinterest and thought they were funny.

Well a day or two goes by and she text me that she sent some pictures to her friends(females) I told her I didn't like stuff like that hidden behind my back and I considered it cheating. I told her if she had these urges I felt comfertable if I was somehow included at the very least a heads up. I have no real intrest in other women I sort of find people disgusting and not real anyhow. The questions I had were avoided and I got paranoid so much so I looked at her Facebook. What I found was that how me and her converse and how she talks to these friends is completely different. I'm more of a friend by reading them. I found out she planned to visit one who btw is married. There was a single short 3 reply message of a threesome and her husband being included.

Well I realize this is morally wrong reading the convos but I had to know and my moral judgement got thrown out the window. I confronted her about it and I thought things got sorted out( in hindsight she probably just said what I needed to hear in order to keep me from starting a divorce) well yesterday I checked messages again and it seems now that she knows she plans on being more creative hiding it. Via FaceTime, Skype and personal phone.

She has hid crap like this before she had a friend who did stuff with her when I was in iraq(female) and when I was in basic she straight cheated on me although she claimed the sex was rape they had a good 10 week realtionship(male). I feel lost I really do I get so damn mad I'm biting myself or hitting myself with my tools in the garage. I'd like to think I was a good man apart from my ptsd I try when I can flowers etc...

I'm extremely handy with my hands I can build cars from the ground up I've yet to come across a single thing I couldn't fix unless I simply couldn't afford the parts. But this I can't fix or don't know how she has no will to do marriage counselling or at least be honest. I just want honesty but maybe I'm not worth that