The Thoughts I Hate To Admit

[anthony]

I was watching a movie last night, Saving Mr Banks, which is about the beginnings to Mary Poppins... and something that struck me was a single scene of the movie when the mother was going to kill herself, walking into the water... but not so much that, but the zoned out, dissociated her... the person she didn't know existed, even after her daughter came after her and snapped her to.

I've had moments like that... and they scared the absolute shit out of me. I've had those moments not so long ago either, just out of the blue, for no real reason other than, life sucks type of stuff, having PTSD and dealing with the constant barrage of thoughts and nonsense, fighting it all off. It just gets tiring sometimes and seeing that I thought about my own history of thoughts with PTSD... and it scared me to see it on a movie, what I know I've done myself with my own-self.

I still stand to my original opinion of PTSD... it sucks. Anyone who ever wants it for the name, the brand, the social (apparent coolness), can have this f*cking thing in my head anytime they want.

 

[mamachick]

I know that zoned out......and snap back all too well. I agree, those who want the diagnosis for the name can have it from me too.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

If I am understand correctly, I know that feeling too.

Does yours sometimes come with sudden thoughts of suicide? My suicidal thoughts can be very sudden, they come, grab hold of me and then leave me feeling very shaken...with that zoned out, long stare I get when depressed with very heavy eyes.

It's the quick thoughts that scare me more. Those can be very powerful and they wear me down a lot.

 

[anthony]

Yep... they're annoying. They come, they hit me hard, then they go. I'm used to them, no doubt about it... and just ignore them when they hit me... well... the best I can ignore such thoughts, but I keep what I have in the forefront of my mind as to why things come and go in my brain. I used to pay attention to my brain years ago, now... not so much. I discard most negative thoughts... but their impact is still profound nonetheless. I still have to put their aftermath somewhere, I have to deal with the symptoms caused... and yes, it does piss me off substantially at times in my life. I get annoyed. PTSD is really very annoying.

I was watching some news show this morning, and once again, some minor insignificant shit happened to a person and the reporter asked, "do you think you have PTSD?" I just sat there shaking my head in complete dumbfound-ness for the reporter and her stupid counter question. Like seriously? The person stubbed their toe in the scheme of traumatic events to meet criterion A... do reporters even understand criterion A? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Meadowsweet]

The thoughts I hate to admit are too often, that I have PTSD at all and it didn't disappear with therapy. I like to pretend on good days that it's finished and if new people came into my life there and then, I would simply be normal and live like other people do, no problem. Then the smallest thing happens, and Miss Normal disappears and can't be brought back to mind, then there's a different person with a mind that is just full of thoughts and emotion and jumpiness.

It's the times after those falls, and before Miss Normal returns, that the stark reality hits me, but honestly, I'm too frightened to even go there. I know Miss Normal isn't real, but I enjoy the days that she's there. One day at a time. But I wish there was a solution.

Well done for admitting those thoughts Anthony.

 

[zaniara]

Agreed. PTSD really sucks big time. That happens to me to. This last weekend it did, wasn't even depressed really, and had no wish to die but then that thing happened(can't really explain it better than you did) and auto pilot was set on drowning my self. - But then one scary thing happened.. I was in church and planned to go as soon as sermon was over. But one of the pastor got up and said something kept telling him that he had to read a psalm out of the psalter(139 in my bible), because he was told someone was in great need to hear the words.. And it was about how there was no way to hide from God, not even in the deepest of sea or in the valleys of death..:wideeyed: :eek: Kind of broke down at that point... (and snapped out of the impulses/zoned out state)

It's weird to get into that state and have those impulses, when for real you're not really depressed or want to die. Anti-depressant has never made those things stop happening either. It's like a built in, automatic kamikaze thing, only aimed at me) Is it often it happens for you? Sorry to hear you have that too.

 

[NovemberStar]

I have those too. I find it helps to remind myself that it is a GOOD thing that those thought DO freak me out.

I have them nowadays and they don't freak me out at all - which is worse probably (in terms of risk).

I've had suicidal thoughts also, when things are going well, and there ISN'T anything to be suicidal about - it's sort of like 'life is good at the moment, maybe I'd better 'capture' it like this, like a photo - take my life right now, while it's good'.

Sigh.

 

[Notsowild]

Oh they are still pretty scary for me. I was out with my brother and mother having a good time, joking and laughing. Then I return home and BAM I tell my son about my life insurances and my settlement for my car accident. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. My poor boy. It just comes out of nowhere. That's scary.
Good thread Anthony

 

[zaniara]

By the way- I try to ignore the ignorant people who really don't get it or are humble enough to admit they don't or try to learn more(some really don't want to!). It's like 70-90% or so of the population in the whole world is sleeping, not only when it comes to PTSD but everything that is 'too hard' or dark or painful. People are sleepwalking and some don't even want to wake up.

When I shared in another forum and Said I had a lot of flashbacks right now a women said that she new all about that, about having flashbacks from bad times, but 'just ignore them!' she said.. :rolleyes: I chose to ignore her, knowing she has NO real understanding for the word 'flasbacks'.

Most times I chose to ignore(need to focus on what I can change or what is rewarding) and pray for them, because I'm not one of the sleepwalkers, thus I consider my self lucky in that sense. Living your life 'sleeping' is wasting it. Sometimes I try to explain more, but most times they just don't want to hear it.

 

[zaniara]

One thought.. (sorry for flooding!) Can't it be an emotional flasback thing to a point in life when death would have felt like a blessing? Ps. Thank you for writing about this.

 

[fly away home]

The zoned out thoughts I hate to admit are things like... I see a claw hammer and wish to sink it into my scull. I walk to the hammer I hold it and it feels nice and heavy, it's going to do a nice amount of damage, there is comfort in those thoughts up until the zone goes that's when they are repulsive to me. After the zone.

I feel ashamed because I don't want work friends to find me with a bloody hole in my head.

But I had accepted them for so long. I thought everyone had them and no one spoke of them because they all ignored or dismissed or accepted them. I thought it was a normal part of life. Life being full of shame, this was also something I thought everyone experienced.

Only now as I gain awareness of ptsd, and how I am actually not that normal, am I beginning to feel even worse about these thoughts. Even more repulsed by myself.

So I wonder if living with ptsd but in ignorance of what is acceptable and normal thinking patterns was better than actually being aware that this level of anxiety, shame, suicidal contemplations etc is not how most people live. I know that now I know what ptsd thinking is, I have a chance to improve, but seriously, it feels worse knowing. Give me my ignorance back. I will muddle on through life with less naval gazing and self awareness. I'm so over this self obsession. Living in dissociation but totally unaware that it's anything other than normal is just fine with me.

I'm with you...ptsd f*cking sucks.

 

[ghotiff]

But I had accepted them for so long. I thought everyone had them and no one spoke of them

Only now as I gain awareness of ptsd, and how I am actually not that normal, am I beginning to feel even worse about these thoughts

I understand that thought... that knowing about PTSD can be a double edged sword. While for some symptoms understanding PTSD has given less shame and more compassion for myself....for others its a whole other story. I never used to think much about it when I disassociated to the point of losing time because I always did it (infrequently, and only for short periods), but I didn't know it was unusual. Now I'm more aware of it, I find myself really wanting to know what I have done/said during those times, and what outsiders see.