Dom Violence I Keep Apologizing For Everything.

[Candleflames]

It's not only bothering me either. My friends have commented or asked my why I'm apologizing. It's for any little thing that happens. It doesn't have to be my fault or anyone's fault or even something going wrong. The word "I'm sorry" just come out at every hiccup almost. It's really driving me batty.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you stop?

I know it stems from all the abuse I've experienced, how things were twisted until I could be blamed for whatever. It really feels like I am apologizing for existing.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It probably depends how deeply it goes. If you are saying sorry out of habit, then you could perhaps try to replace the word - try saying 'ok' to give yourself time to gather your thoughts and decide if an apology is appropriate or not.

However, it may be that there is significant fear, that you are reacting to because your mind still believes that you will be abused if you don't say sorry. (This is something I do). In that case, the fear itself needs addressing, and the mind needs retraining to recognise that violence is not imminent in these situations.

It may also be a reaction to shame and guilt, and believing that you are a bad person (which of course you are not). But if these are the thoughts behind the reaction, then that's what needs addressing.

So i think the first step is to ask yourself what your feeling and what your thoughts are as you apologise.

 

[macbeth]

My husband is always pointing out to me that I apologize for nothing and I am also still in the habit of asking his permission to do things. He just gently reminds me that I don't have to do that.

 

[Rabbit]

I do this and it's gotten worse lately. I apologize because I think I am feeling so much shame and guilt, and I attribute things to myself that aren't my fault. It has stemmed from living in an environment where I feel blamed a lot, because the other person was blamed a lot and they are now blaming me but they externalize and blame others a lot. And then sometimes I have no idea whether I'm actually being blamed or if I'm projecting that. Although our therapist clearly saw that they were blaming me, recently.

Even though I see this pattern, I now have a very intense running commentary in my head about what is my fault and how wrong and defective I am. It's unhealthy but I don't know how to stop it either.

So this is an important question, candleflames.

 

[Spider]

Don't feel alone, I do this constantly. I have my whole life, even before the abuse from my ex. I suppose it stemmed from never feeling like I was good enough, or that I offended or annoyed people. Now it's ten times worse. Even when I know things aren't my fault, I still feel the need to apologize and "make it right".

 

[Candleflames]

It may also be a reaction to shame and guilt, and believing that you are a bad person (which of course you are not). But if these are the thoughts behind the reaction, then that's what needs addressing.

This is what I think is going on. I spent so much time being told how all my unhappiness, all the things that happened were my fault, that I internalized the message. Then there is the childhood beatings where if anything went wrong I was blamed and punished for. When saying sorry to the people around me I feel so stupid.

Some of it is automatic like when I apologize to the furniture. Replacing the I'm sorry could help here. Thanks for the idea.

Even though I see this pattern, I now have a very intense running commentary in my head about what is my fault and how wrong and defective I am.

Yeah, I'm working on that with a therapist. I am starting recognize that while the commentary is in my own voice the words are the same that were used by my husband when he was abusive and that of the many people from my childhood. It has lessened some of the intensity.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I want to reiterate that you're definitely not alone. I experience this horribly, and no amount of anything has helped. I know it's from my fear of being 'bad' or upsetting someone.

One therapist suggested that everytime I said sorry I snap myself on the wrist with a hair tie. That just led to a painful wrist for me, but it might help!

Jeez even ordering food is a production for me! 'Im sorry can I add this?' 'Im so sorry can I please not have lettuce' 'I'm sorry for being so difficult' every freaking time :hilarious:

 

[Candleflames]

Jeez even ordering food is a production for me! 'Im sorry can I add this?' 'Im so sorry can I please not have lettuce' 'I'm sorry for being so difficult' every freaking time :hilarious:

That sounds just like me, too. I'm glad it's not just me that does this. It bothers me because it feels like I am back in that place where everything was all about how bad I was and how I had to be perfect in order to not upset anyone.

I tried the wrist snapping trick for quitting smoking something like a decade ago. It didn't work for that either. :banghead: