Understanding Anger

[Alien Goodness]

We don't control the emotions that we feel. We simply feel them.

Sure you do. You are controlling your emotions at this very minute.

IMO I find @Solara comment more accurate. In my personal experiences with my emotions, I don't find myself able to choose and select which one I'm going to have. I prefer the term "manage" my emotions. For me, "managing" might be recognising I've been triggered and that the unwanted emotions surging up cannot be controlled so I need to find a safe place so I don't harm myself or others.

 

[ghotiff]

My personal view.

Emotions arrive without control. Once an emotion occurs there are some choices that we can make that impact whether the emotion is expanded or contained. This is what a lot of the self-help movement is about (in my mind), understanding that if you do get upset, you first need to decide that you don't want to be upset, then you can choose to do things to move yourself away from that feeling. Alternatively you can choose to move towards the feeling, dwell on it and thus expand it and make it stronger and last longer.

With stronger emotions this is harder to do but still relevant. I don't mean to imply that we have so much control that we can flick a switch and 'get over' an emotion, but I do believe that the actions we take, once recognising the emotion, can cause it to become bigger or become smaller. This is what self-soothing, grounding etc is to me...its giving me things to do to help reduce the size of my negative emotion and help it dissipate faster.

Contrary opinions are welcome.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Survivor2Thriver : first of all nice profile pic.

Lets get on with the topic about anger. I don't know how others see it or view it but I personally can't seem to let go of it! I am still getting onto square 1 of my feelings where there is immense anger towards the treatment I had as a child in comparison to the abusers children. I have anger for so many issues. I was deprived of so many things as a child for which I cannot forgive my parents or the abusers. Does this mean I have forgiven them? Does this mean I have no anger towards them???

Well, I have a lot of anger in built. When I get angry, I cry, I want to scream, I want to pull my hair and I want to take them all on the witness box and question each of them why they had given me the treatment they did? Why I was made to do childhood labor, why I was humiliated, why I was never appreciated for being me, why my father belittled me for no matter what grades I got (had 90% most of the time but It was never good enough for him), Why I was judged on my height, hair, face, weight, clothes, having or not having eyebrows done at the age of 12 (this was from my mum's bitch sisters).

When you ask me anger is waste of time?? I would have to agree and disagree at the same time. I would agree because I am wasting my energy on them and what they had done to me. The reason I would disagree to is how dare they treat me different while their kids were never treated like I was. I am still pissed of at my mother for being such a coward all her life and allowing her f*cking brother n sisters and even my father to push her and us around! Call it being rebel or agro, I just don't care! I just want justice!! I grew up as a confused child! I have lost my identity! I did things to please others and to prove them wrong but what did I get at the end??? Huh! I got nothing but self hate, self-doubt, unhappiness! I have never been satisfied with myself although I hold a masters degree for which I had a scholarship and got first class honors in! I graduated yesterday and guess what!! I was comparing myself with other scholars and PhD students!! See, this is what I felt all my life, self- hate! I'm my biggest critic here and i have been falling a victim of depression ever since I was 16 when I was first diagnosed. God knows since when I had gone into depression.

Lastly, please don't take this message personally. I did not write this to put you down or anyone else down regarding this topic. I just wanted to let you know how much anger, hate and struggle I have due to them. This post had nothing to do with hurting any individual here. If I did hurt you or other then I am sorry for my reply.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

With stronger emotions this is harder to do but still relevant. I don't mean to imply that we have so much control that we can flick a switch and 'get over' an emotion

IMHO Grounding is flicking the switch. That is how you reject negative feelings. It is the moment of discernment. :)
[DOUBLEPOST=1399729731,1399729486][/DOUBLEPOST]@Jess At some point you are going to have to look past all the hurts scars and trauma you have been through. And just be. Be you. You just graduated. Sounds like you're off to a great start. You don't need validation from your dysfunctional family.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Emotions arrive without control. Once an emotion occurs there are some choices that we can make that impact whether the emotion is expanded or contained. This is what a lot of the self-help movement is about (in my mind), understanding that if you do get upset, you first need to decide that you don't want to be upset, then you can choose to do things to move yourself away from that feeling. Alternatively you can choose to move towards the feeling, dwell on it and thus expand it and make it stronger and last longer.

Emotions are powerful. Grounding yourself is bringing yourself back to reality. The here and now. Where you decide to go from there is your choice. Some people dwell in sadness others in anger or shock and many use humor. I have used humor all my life and will extend its usefulness recovering from PTS. It is about balancing powerful emotions. I'm not sure where a few are getting I don't feel anger. I am simply sharing how I ride the wave.

 

[Lucycat]

I have used humor all my life and will extend its usefulness recovering

Humour is very subjective. People do not understand my sense of humour. Some would even say I don't have one. I do. I just see humour very differently from other people.

Just like anger can be interpreted or misinterpreted, so does humour have the same limitations.

An example. This week I was telling something to Rory and he laughed at me. He thought I was trying to make a joke but I wasn't. I was stating fact as I saw it. Yes we talked it through, but at that moment I was hurt by his apparent show of humour. In my opinion it need to be as carefully managed as anger does.

 

[Powder]

Last time I mentioned my T someone started a thread putting words in her mouth too. I don't want to put myself in a position to defend my T. Sorry.

That makes sense, and I can certainly understand not wanting to summarize a T's discussion for the scrutiny of those in the forum; it would be out of context.

In my opinion, your points about anger are valid and have merit. It is often not what people, including me, say, but how we say it that incites a reaction or overlooks psychological "noise" in those sufferers projecting or struggling with the concepts. A good therapist is adept at not couching ideas in threatening ways. But often I am surprised that my good intentions have evoked a negative reaction in others who misunderstood my intent or message.

I've also noticed that growing up in a dysfunctional home doesn't provide a good foundation for future communications with others who are diverse and that communications carry overtones of defensiveness that were created for survival in that family that others misinterpret as "passive aggressive," "borderline" "hostile" or otherwise socially not "normal."

I have worked at trying to heal my ways of communicating, but I have a long road of learning ahead. I also try to track this when it occurs in this forum, which is why I am curious and ask questions. I look at communication styles and try to find ways to better communicate with others.

Thank you for helping me figure out how to best share ideas with you about anger and testing our assumptions in a safe way.

Muse

 

[Meadowsweet]

I feel there is no need to feel anger.

It is not about my feelings.

I freed my anger years ago. Sometimes during the abuse itself. That IS why I feel joy!!!!!!!

IMHO Grounding is flicking the switch. That is how you reject negative feelings. It is the moment of discernment.

I'm not sure where a few are getting I don't feel anger. I am simply sharing how I ride the wave.

I've picked the quotes above, because they seem to jump all over the place in terms of whatever it is you're trying to say about anger.

Whatever it is you feel and your response to it, is what it is.

But Iwhat is it you're trying to say in the thread?

 

[Valentino]

how you reject negative feelings.

This feels like a masked form of self-hatred. It is a conscious and intentional effort to use anger towards selective emotions, in this case 'negative feelings'. There is also an effort to use anger towards shameful thoughts, this shows up with all the humor and distorted 'positivity masked' encouragement statements.

Anger is a vital human emotion, if you don't learn how to healthily express it outwardly to communicate and defend your boundaries, limits, needs, wants and desires. It turns into resentment and then comes out unpredictably and distorted through acting out, or harder to recognize acting in.

 

[Justmehere]

Anger is a healthy tool in the healing process. Or it can be a destructive force. Everyone has that choice. I go straight to why angry people are acting out. Feeling anger doesn't occur to me. I am busy trying to determine how close they are to circling the drain on their way to the darkside. LOL

So if others have any feelings of anger, it means they are going down the drain on their way to the dark side? Or is anger ok to have, but if they express it, or act it out then it means they are going down the drain? I'm sorry I don't follow.

It is folly to get angry at someone who doesn't understand their own anger. It is best to move on.

I can agree it is sometimes not useful to express anger to a person who is being abusive - especially if they are abusively expressing their own anger. Doing that would likely escalate a situation and could even make it more dangerous! You are quite wise on that.

But I would disagree that it is folly to not feel anger at all, even anger at a person. I think it is smart to have anger when someone crosses a boundary. It's a warning sign to get space.

There are many destructive ways to express and handle anger. Rage, hostility, etc - those are not healthy. I think we can agree there.

But that doesn't make anger itself a foolish or useless to have at all.

I don't absorb other peoples anger. I try to understand why they are angry. ~Call it a gift from my childhood. :joyful:

There is no need for anger if you have understanding of a situation.

It is excellent to seek to understand why others are angry rather than to just react. But I disagree that understanding makes anger not ever needed.

For example, I am volunteering for an organization that helps end child trafficking in the US. I have learned a lot about this reality. The more I understand all sides of the issue, the more angry I get! That anger does not spur me on to abusive expressions of anger... It gives me energy to work hard to help raise money for an organization that works hard to stop the sale of children into slavery. My anger an extremely useful tool in this example. It motivates me to work for change. I could express or handle the anger in ways that would be terrible to me or others, or I could use the energy of anger to help change things for the better. It is not easy to do. I certainly do not enjoy the feeling of anger - but I have to say that I would be concerned if anyone did not feel any anger at all after talking to a survivor of child trafficking.

I have spent much time working to understand perpetrators like my abusers who caused my trauma. My anger at my abusers helps me too. It helps give me energy and information to know I need to keep them away from me and gives me strength to hold good boundaries to stay safe.

Fight or flight are good survival mechanisms. We have them for very good reasons.

With PTSD, we can at times experience seriously unhelpful abundance of either fight or flight - but I would never want to fully give up my ability to feel either. I also don't think someone is healed when they no longer ever feel fear or anger, but when they are capable of managing fear and anger.

They are biologically driven tools my body and mind have to keep me safe.

If a shark was biting me, and I could not get away from the shark (flight), I would want to be able to feel anger, to have fight to fuel me to fend off the shark - and the same would be true with a human attacker I could not run from.

In a less extreme situation, say a friend who was contacting me too often - I am learning to be grateful for my irritation. Yes, grateful. I would seek to understand my friend, and I would also listen to what my irritation is telling me. I'm not saying I would just act out my irritation - nor do I enjoy the experience of irritation. But there is value in it. It tells me something is overwhelming me. It might be my friend, and I need to set a boundary. Or might be a warning sign other things are off kilter in my life and I need to make changes in other areas of my life.

It is not about my feelings.

Anger is a feeling and you seem to strongly believe that your healing involves not feeling anger at anything anymore. Maybe you don't feel it. But if you are posting about anger and then saying this isn't about feelings... I'm confused.

Feelings are not facts but they are biologically driven gifts. Feelings and emotions, all of them, can give us information. When I feel happy, I am given the information that I like something. When I feel sad over a loss, that helps me know the person or thing that was lost was important and of value to me. When I feel angry, it helps me know a boundary was crossed or a value of mine was threatened. It helps me know when to walk away from something.

I do not like not enjoy the feeling of anger. I work hard to make sure I handle anger, and sadness and fear and even joy, as well as I can. Anger can be channeled as tool that I'm learning to be grateful for.

Sure you do. You are controlling your emotions at this very minute. Matter a fact your emotions have determined your attitude and negative vibe in your post. LOL

By "LOL" do you mean laugh out loud? I'm not sure what is funny - can you help me understand better? I can be rather dense at times...

*Edited to fix error in quoting*

 

[Notsowild]

I showed a lot of anger as a child at my abuser ( my father ). I knew what he was doing was so wrong and no one would stand up to him not my mother or older brothers. It angered me a lot what he was doing especially to my younger sisters. But in a lot of ways it was stupid because I would get severely beaten. But better me than my sisters.

I kept fighting him going to the police and social services. We had three court cases to try and get us out of there. Yes I fought a lot and I showed a lot of anger when I was younger. But I think I still have a lot I of repressed anger from all those years of abuse.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Or about other peoples feelings of anger?

How does anyone become angry? What has to happen?