I Worry That My T Thinks I’m Making It All Up.

[ghotiff]

I am struggling at the moment and lots of things are going around my head….but I’ve realised a common theme which is….I really worry that people (like my T) think I’m making this all up. I think this is (at least partly) why I am so sensitive to anything that resembles invalidation.

For example. My first T asked me to dig out old childhood diaries, I did and I showed them to her. She commented that my handwriting and writing style looked like that of someone older. My instant internal response was that she thought I was lying, that she thought I manufactured up the diary between sessions to fool her, that she was trying to see if she could trap me into that lie by either admitting it or denying it….so I said nothing because I felt any comment could be held against me.

I even doubt to myself that it happened sometimes. When I get into these states I remind myself all the ‘facts’ I have eg I’ve always had a couple of very clear memories of specific sexually abusive events (not recovered and thus not potentially ‘false’ memories), I have diaries from when I was a child describing some clearly sexually abusive events, I have sibling confirmation about the existence of my first abuser (not the details of the abuse, but his existence in my life as a ‘bad man’ and the police involvement) etc.

In my visits with my T (and ex-T) I get concerned that my comments might not match up, eg what if I say my dress is green in one sitting, and then say its blue in another but the truth is that its actually a blue/green aqua in colour. Then they will think I’m lying ….and then they’ll search and find more inconsistencies which will be viewed as lies…then they will not be able to help me get better (because will be doing all the wrong things for my real issue and I’ll end up just getting worse).

Now, it is possible that all this comes from my first abuser. It is possible that he told me no-one would believe me etc as a method of controlling and manipulating me…but I don’t have memories of this, its just a possible theory.

My question is…..Does anyone else intensely fear not being believed? Does anyone else get so extreme sometimes that they even doubt the abuse ever happened?

 

[bluebird]

I mostly block the memories out of my mind, pretending they have never happened... it allows me to go to school, have a "normal" life... I have recovered several completely new memories and told them instantly to a friend of mine. But after a few days, I usually kind of "forget" them again... I remember telling him and therefore remember a bit - but haven't I had spoken instantly, it would have been much easier to deny them.

I can relate to this...

I often suggest to my T several reasons why these memories are not real - but at this very monent I am realising these are stupid reasons - I mean - I do not want to remember, I want to deny all of this - I have no reason to make things up...

My fear is that she will think I am crazy... that I am losing my mind and therefore leave me...

Hope it helps a bit... you are not alone!

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @bluebird for sharing you thoughts. I really thought I would be alone with this.

For me it doesn't feel like a conscious denial....I don't deliberately want to 'forget' them....but I agree with you I do want to put them to the side to enable me to live my life.

I thought I was the only one to do the below :)

I often suggest to my T several reasons why these memories are not real

Do you know why you do this? Even if you consciously deny them, wouldn't you actually know what the truth is? I seem to genuinely get lost in what the 'truth' is.

 

[bluebird]

Oh, it' s mostly uncounsciously, I guess...

I don't know - maybe - these memories make me feel objectified, like a rag doll somebody threw away... being crazy perhaps kind of sounds "better"?

And I don't want my granduncle to be "that bad"...

And I can't face the fear from the moment I thought he would have killed me - when his hand was holding my neck... My mind is trying to protect itself by pushing it away, denying it...

I do not want this to be the truth... And I am very, very scared...

But I hope that one day, I will be able to accept my life... all of it. And despite it all, my life is beautiful and I am good... while he is a poor guy who has to live with the guilt and shame forever. In fact, he deserves more pity; he has turned himself into someting inhuman.

But - I am pure... And so are you!

I hope and I do believe that one day we will realise that. And we are definitely not alone... not anymore :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks again @bluebird . I certainly have memories that I had pushed down, and now they are coming back up. They are not new memories (yet), I remember thinking about them earlier in my life...its just that I haven't thought about them for a long time. There are other memories where details that were quite obvious did not connected in my brain about what it meant, and one recently forced me to acknowledge that my abuse went for many years longer than I had previously allowed myself to believe.

I can't face the fear

Maybe this is what is going on. I thought that I was really honest with myself about my past, but a the few things I mentioned above makes me realise that I've been less honest with myself than I thought. It would make sense, that I'm frightened by my own reality (but its a horrible thought). Also, my memory has so many gaps, that I'm a bit frightened of what might be uncovered.

And we are definitely not alone... not anymore

Thanks :)

Does anyone else have insight on this, or experience of how to get past it?

 

[digger]

I very much struggle with this. My head is a bit messy right now but I will come back and post something more later, but just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone in it.

 

[shimmerz]

I often suggest to my T several reasons why these memories are not real
Do you know why you do this? Even if you consciously deny them, wouldn't you actually know what the truth is? I seem to genuinely get lost in what the 'truth' is.

@ghotiff, for me it was because I wanted an 'out' clause. I would start with something and stop - watch the reaction - then decide whether to go on.

So for instance I had to talk about a memory of my birth mother smothering me with a pillow and walking out of the room. I could see her and I didn't understand how. It was unbelievable to ME! How could anyone else understand it. It MUST have been a lie. But I don't lie. That makes me feel crazy.

BUT it is in the past that are the clues. Patience. Later I recalled (and this was not a lost memory I just didn't put the pieces together) I did know that I had to run away from a pillow fight party one night as a teenager - I went hysterical and just left crying. So you see, the actions, they match the reality. Sometimes the pieces don't fit together all the time - but there will be these ah ha moments where you go - EUREKA! You will learn to trust the feeling. To know the feeling. And to be patient for the stats and issues in your life afterwards to confirm what your subconscious is telling you. It is an excellent lesson in trusting in yourself and what your mind and body are telling you.

Lie? I don't think so! And besides, it isn't about the colour of the dress - it is about how it felt..... so if you can, try not to dwell on the details but attach more to the feelings. Your body, heart, mind and soul are speaking to you right now. You are learning its language.

 

[ghotiff]

@shimmerz your insights are amazing. Thanks for sharing.

 

[digger]

Okay, for me this very much ties in with my own tendency towards denial of my reality.

My memories of early childhood are very fragmented and blurred. This also feeds into it. A lot of the time I have not been sure if I can trust my own memory. If I can't trust it, why should I expect others to - which then feeds onto "I expect others not to trust it/not believe me."

My awareness of things that have happened to me have not been consistent throughout my life. That is not to say they didn't happen, but that there are times where I have pushed them back so that they don't feature in my story. I can't cope with this being my story so therefore I will deny and pretend (to myself) that it isn't. This has not been a conscious decision but with hindsight I can see the different points where I have done this, and also the points where it has surfaced again, usually only partially. A couple of years ago something happened that meant that I am unable to deny it any more, but I think there is a very big part of me that would still very much like to. But even with 'proof' I can still doubt myself at times.

I would rather believe myself to be a liar than face the truth of the situation because it scares me too much.

My counsellor has never given me cause to think that she would doubt me. We have even talked a little about the way I can doubt myself and my own memory at times because of the incomplete nature of a lot of my memory and the amount of time I have spent in denial.

I still fear that she won't believe me though, but in my clearer moments I can see that I am probably just projecting my own feelings onto her? I wonder if something like this is going on for you?

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @digger
I will need time to process before commenting. There is a lot there to think about.

 

[Chrissy kilby]

Your not alone, I have the same fear because my abuser told me nobody would believe me then when it stopped I denied it happened, I was in bad denial. I had to come to terms it really did happen. Trust me I know how you feel.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You are definitely not alone. I can relate to this a lot. Sharing about trauma is an extremely vulnerable thing. I found it helpful to let my previous T know when I felt this way. It allowed her to validate me by telling me she believes me. It was cathartic in a way.