Does Your Experience Of Depression Mirror Your Response To Childhood Trauma?

[Hashi]

I'm trying to understand the nature of my entrenched depression and something struck me today. Often I don't relate to how other people have been affected by childhood trauma. Often I don't relate to how other people describe their depression. And I realised that the two things seem to be linked.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying one kind of response is somehow better than another, only that responses can happen to be different. I don't intend to minimise or judge anyone else's experience. I'm only comparing in order to try to explore my own issues. And please don't think I mean arrogance if I say "I'm not very X, I tend to be Y" because Y is as much of a burden and a problem for me as X might be for someone else.

For example, my response to my childhood experiences has been overwhelmingly to externalise things rather than internalise them. I don't tend to think I'm worthless, I tend to think other people are worthless. I don't tend to be angry with myself, I tend to be angry with life. I don't tend to think I have nothing to offer, I tend to think life has nothing to offer me. I don't tend to criticise myself as much as I judge others.

I can see this in both how I reacted as a child (frustration, anger, withdrawal) and how my depression manifests (hmmm... frustration, anger, withdrawal).

I do have some self-worth, anger and self-judgement issues, but I think these come much more from adult trauma. My childhood feelings were characterised by a sense of injustice and being wronged. And that's how I see the world - as unfairly attacking and depriving me.

It also occurred to me today how many people talk about going in and out of suicidal ideation. For me, there are no times without it. It's constant and has been since I was 15. I've been wondering what this signifies. What comes into my mind is something about the constancy of the neglect and abuse as a child - there was no bonding mixed in with it, no ambivalence or seeking anything else. Add the feeling of not having control of the world, which I see as the problem, rather than my own feelings which can change from time to time more than my world view is likely to spontaneously change. And the huge part that opting out has always played for me, in terms of withdrawal and dissociation.

All this would explain why some ideas that others find helpful are not at all helpful to me. For example the idea that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Or that suicidal ideation is not really a wish to be dead but a wish for the pain to go away. If - as in my case - it's the world that's wrong, these don't make sense. Depression is a permanent problem. And I really do want to be dead (more accurately, I want to not exist, not in any afterlife either). I don't want to be in the world on any terms.

So many other things too. I think for people who tend to internalise things, keeping a gratitude journal has a different meaning than it does if you externalise things. To me, the principle of keeping a gratitude journal is like the principle that each night you should write five things you appreciate about your highly abusive, violent partner.

I imagine it would be natural to respond - if you don't like the world then keeping a gratitude journal is an ideal way to change that. Except, in my observation gratitude journals seem to work best for people who predominantly don't like themselves in the world, as a way of feeling better about the world outside. Maybe as someone who fundamentally doesn't like the world they've been placed in, I should be doing the counterpart and doing a self-appreciation practice or something.... I'm going to have to think about that.

My last therapist really frustrated me on a similar point, because she believed that I would ultimately find life worthwhile through helping others. She honestly couldn't understand that being of service was really not going to make me feel better because my negativity is rooted in feeling used by life, and this is only more being used. I need to feel that I'm getting something out of life, not that I'm giving something to it.

Whew. This is a lot for me to realise.

If you feel like contradicting my view of myself - thank you but please don't. This has occasionally happened before when I've written something about having very different responses from those that are often talked about and I'm afraid it isn't helpful to me. Not everyone is the same or has had the same experiences.

I realise that other people who largely externalise things may respond differently to me, and it would be really interesting to hear about that.

I'd be interested anyway to know if people relate to the idea of the nature of their depression reflecting their responses to childhood trauma. Or to hear any thoughts.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

What an interesting, insightful, and well thought out post. Thanks for sharing it.

For me personally, when I was a kid, I externalized as a response to trauma. My depression as a teenager and as a young adult resembled that.

The depression I go through as an adult, if I'm going to be honest, probably starts out externally but then I internalize it quickly and beat myself up. There are times when it starts out internally and I have to externalize it to pull myself back up. Hmm. I think.

This is interesting. Perhaps I did both as a child at different times or maybe I've figured out a way to balance it out.

 

[franciemarnie]

My adult depression was the same as my childhood depression.

I was the protector as a role, and continued that in life. I don't feel hostility in general to life. I pretty much accept the human condition although I spent years getting there and read endlessly to make sense of it - history, philosophy and loads of memoirs of how people continued living after trauma - political and otherwise. (Although the personal is the political.)

I still feel a need to make lousy situations better whether in my own life or out in the world. Because I knew joy before the rotten times, I like to remind myself of what still brings joy. Not to see that is not to see what's real in the world for me.

Depression is a b*tch though, and when you are in it - when I have been in it - I only see grey. No colors. Very limited feelings.

 

[Meadowsweet]

What you've said is very insightful.

I internalise things, but yes, I can relate that to the way I was trained to be in childhood - if I said something was wrong at school or whatever, I'd be asked what I'd done or told what I ought to do so it didn't happen. And actually when I'm trying to be a better person, I don't feel depressed, it's the times I realise there's nothing I could ever do to reach that 'better person' in others eyes.

So from that perspective, I would imagine (and I might be wrong - just trying to look at it from a different way) that externalising can leave a person feeling powerless to change anything because the change is dependent on other people being different.Though that is hard, it is probably a more realistic view.

I feel like I just don't want to exist too - I think that is depression though. I don't hate myself, but I don't dislike other people either. They are what they are, I just don't fit here.

 

[xena21]

Very good topic...makes me think, because I know I hate the world we live in, but I hate myself too. Is that possible? I feel uncomfortable saying that about the outside world only because I have extreme religious scrupulosity issues and I feel guilty about it, but in all reality I have always looked at the world around me as evil. It was like a competition as to who was more evil...me or the world. I never understood my depression related to my trauma. I just knew I hated every aspect of myself and the world around me.

I always figured I had to make up for my misgivings and had to do good. There was something out there I had to make right. I never figured it out and my anger at myself always increased. To the point that my suicidal ideation was a day to day thing as well. I don't live a day without thinking about killing myself. As you said, I don't see how people have their good days and bad days. Mine is a constant state of suicidal thinking. I wish you didn't feel this way too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

[InsideAWord]

As a disclaimer: I don't think I have PTSD due to my childhood trauma. The trauma that brought me to this site was unrelated and only a year ago. However, I did undergo years of physical and emotional abuse from my father, and I consistently saw and heard him verbally brutalize my mother and sister, physical abuse my mom, sister, and brother, and he stole money from myself and my siblings to finance whatever the hell he was doing.

Whenever I have to work with males with some sort of authority, I put up a front. My voice deepens, I widen my stance, I puff my chest out, and I act like I'm a girl who can hang with the big boys. I speak at numerous academic conferences because I like to write critical literary articles on poetry and novels (I think it's fun.) So, put yourself in my shoes -- I am at a big-wig, formal luncheon during an academic conference where egos are huge, suits are on, and everyone has their pinky up and using big words. The male dominance at these conferences is confounding, and I refuse to be shut out of a polemic or a discussion because they unconsciously circle me out (I'm talking about their standing positions and how people seem to physically close a person out of a circle) during a conversation. Or, if I have a confrontation in a personal setting with a male in authority. I seem to have a hard time working with that. On the flip side, all my best bosses, or all the bosses I had who I perceived as the best, were women. Whenever I encounter other women, even those in authority, I have a better working relationship with them.

Now, whenever I experience confrontation in my personal life with men, my first instinct once it de-escalates is to go to sleep. Scientifically proven -- children respond to stress by sleeping. This still carries on into my adult life.

 

[xena21]

Now, whenever I experience confrontation in my personal life with men, my first instinct once it de-escalates is to go to sleep. Scientifically proven -- children respond to stress by sleeping. This still carries on into my adult life.

Can you explain this? I don't understand what you mean.

 

[InsideAWord]

What I mean is that I feel exhausted, fatigued, and emotionally drained by the experience. Even in other stressful situations, I feel like I should go to sleep rather than deal with the problem.

When I was younger and I experienced a fight or an argument with my father, I would try to go take a nap. I would go to my room to be alone and ultimately fall asleep because I didn't want to be apart of the confrontation and stressful situation any longer.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG @InsideAWord this is me, despite insomnia. I almost wondered if I have/had narcolepsy!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

As a child I internalized everything and my depression has mirrored that certainly.

Now I am able to talk about what is bothering me to set boundries and limits only with those who are able to understand.

I do not allow any drama producing individual into my life anymore. Been there, done that.

I lived many years in silence before I realized that I was a victim and needed help with therapy.

When I first started talking about the abuse, I was not believed by my husband or family of origin their denial was too great to face up.

I kept on talking and educating my husband and he believed and wanted to kill my dad.

So in my depression now I try to get it out of me so I can become aware of the issues I need to deal with.

 

[xena21]

Often I don't relate to how other people describe their depression. And I realised that the two things seem to be linked.

I don't know if this is the same, but I don't think a 12 year old child would think of suicide if they weren't traumatized. I would have to say I was beyond depressed at that stage of my life. I had planned that I would kill myself as a 12 year old girl after all the turmoil I had endured. The only thing that stopped me was the scrupulosity issues and my OCD where I thought I might go to Hell. I was terrified of going to Hell.

I know I was completely depressed and realistically never outgrew it despite the seemingly successful career I had...until it all came crashing down. I was determined to not let depression stop my life as a teenager, and it worked for a couple decades. It came up and bit my ass in my mid thirties though. I couldn't outrun depression and trauma that powerful. I think they go hand in hand.

Very insightful topic. I believe trauma and depression are linked very strongly.

 

[Hashi]

@xena21 thank you so much for sharing what you have done here. I relate to what you say in both your posts.

I also worked to have a life despite my constant depression. When I was in my 20s I studied a language, finally got a degree (having failed the first time due to trauma) and lived abroad for two years It was all so difficult, I struggled through all of it. But at the time I kept going because I knew that when I was old I didn't want to look back on my life and see every single day of it defeated by depression.

Depression finally biting me too much is what very quickly led me to the situation where I began to come out of traumatic amnesia, and to come out of denial about the trauma I'd remembered but minimised.

I think probably all of us are on a scale of how much we feel we are somehow wrong, and on another scale of how much we feel other people/the world are somehow wrong. I don't often find much of the "other people/the world are wrong" aspect, so it's a relief to know someone else understands this, this much.

What you've said has really helped me with this. I'm glad I posted, and I'm grateful to you for responding. I wish it was different, and in one way I wish no-one understood. I'm sorry for your struggles. But I'm very appreciative that you shared your thoughts here. Thank you.