Trauma Diary

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I think going to an eating disorder clinic would help...Actually that would just trigger me a lot. I can't be around other people with eating disorders because then I start comparing myself to them. Maybe just going to a general treatment center for a couple of months would be good. But if I do that I'll miss young life camp, and I really want to go to young life camp. I don't know what a healthy next step is. There aren't any good out patient places where I live. The one closest to where I live is four hours a way. Not an option. So I don't know. I feel like I've tried everything. I've tried stopping on my own, I've tried going into treatment, I've tried out patient and none of it has worked. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the doctors right now. They think I'm really sick. I want to stop. I just don't know how...

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere basically what I'm trying to say is I don't know what a healthy next step is. What are you thinking?

 

[Justmehere]

I'm not sure. One good step would be to talk to your therapist about options. Also, there could be some individual outpatient counselors in your area that might do more eating disorder work.

I'm guessing that getting the eating disorder treated maybe hasn't worked because they maybe were not also addressing the underlying PTSD. It may work better this time.

Inpatient would be tough, but with the level of symptoms you are having, it might really help stabilize everything overall.

No matter what option you pick, I don't think it will work as well as it could until ready to ask for and accept whatever help you need to get better.

Wanting to stop and being ready to do whatever it takes to stop in order to SAVE YOUR LIFE are two different things.

You have stated a lot of options that won't work... it's good to keep considering what has and hasn't not helped before, but I'm concerned you keep pushing help away while you are suffering so greatly.

I have struggled with an eating disorder at times. Relapse and setbacks are a part of the process towards healing. It happens. It doesn't always mean nothing worked. It often means more work needs to be done. Same goes for PTSD.

Plus, with PTSD, often things get worse before they get better - so just because things get worse for a bit, that doesn't always mean a treatment isn't working - it may jut mean you have to keep going, keep at it, for longer and then you will see big improvements.

At this point, what do you have left to lose by trying the options you have tried before? This is a serious question. It's important to consider. Think of what you are losing now by not trying those options. Then consider them against the downsides of getting more treatment - you are really good at evaluating pros and cons of options. (And good at many other things!)

I'm very concerned that if you keep going on the path you are on, trying to stop this all on your own, you are not going to make it. If you get into treatment, with them now knowing you have PTSD (essential!), at the very least you will have times where you have more support around the pain you are in. If you do go inpatient, there are even some great places that integrate PTSD and eating disorder treatment and use different models than what you have maybe done before.

Don't lose hope - things won't always be this hard.[DOUBLEPOST=1400622778][/DOUBLEPOST]:hug:

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere when I bring up the eating disorder with her she tells me that she doesn't specialize in eating disorders. She specializes in trauma. So it's hard to even bring this up with her. I feel like I need to go to inpatient.

 

[Justmehere]

Ugh. That is not so helpful of her to respond that way. :( It's great that she knows her limits, but she should be referring you to someone who can help and coordinating care with them. She can't really adequately treat the trauma when you have medical complications.

I think inpatient would make sense.

 

[Healing Reins]

Here's what the doc said: my heartbeat isn't normal. I asked about the breathing and she said my odd breathing could likely come from bulimia. I didn't rupture anything but I did tear my esophagus pretty bad if there was that much blood. She said I should watch out for my body growing excess hair- that's when I know I'm in trouble. She said it was good of you to make me drink my Gatorade. She said my electrolytes were really low. Which is really bad (?) so everyday I have to Gatorade for awhile. She recommended going to an eating disorder clinic- or some type of treatment this summer. She said bulimia is for sure effecting my body negativity. She thinks I'm pretty sick. I asked if she thought I needed to be admitted and she said she could see me getting admitted, but it wouldn't do anything at the time being. She wants me to get help and she wants me to be "fragile" with my body. She basically have me two options. Treatment or death. And she thinks my heart might be beating a little slow.

Nothing I didn't know before. And you knew all of this two. So it's nothing new...So basically I'm fine. I didn't rupture anything that's good!

I think it's time for me to get help.
Or for me to stop.

 

[Healing Reins]

So it says you because I sent that to my youth group leader!

 

[Healing Reins]

Oh and she said my throat/ stomach should be sore after eating for awhile. But you know that :) ok that's all she said :) so I'm in the clear. Just to clarify - she meant she could see me being admitted but honestly I would refuse treatment so therefore it would do nothing. Okay just thought that might be confusing after re reading it. Can you pick me up for youth group tomorrow or do you have too many people in your car?

That's the rest of what my doc. Said. So I'm fine thankfully

 

[TimeToHeal]

I'm confused as to why you have said in multiple posts that you are ready to stop, that you need help, you are ready to get help - yet just now you said you would refuse treatment....??

Are you waiting until you are so sick that the choice is taken away from you and you are forced into a treatment facility or hospital? Because that is what will happen.

And yes, your electrolytes being "off" can be very serious. Certain electrolytes can mess up your heart and cause rhythm disturbances, among other things. So yeah, you're basically paying with fire here.

 

[Healing Reins]

@TimeToHeal No, I've talked with my family and we have decided that I'm staying out of treatment till June 16th. I graduate in early June and so after I graduate I'm willing to go into treatment if I haven't stopped purging by then. I really think I'll stop this time. I haven't purged since 12:00pm and it's now 4:23 and I had a subway sandwich. So I think I'm doing pretty well!

 

[Justmehere]

Are you going to get outpatient treatment at the eating disorder clinic until you go inpatient June 16th?

 

[Healing Reins]

The more I sit here, the more I realize that no I'm not willing to go to treatment. The idea of it is nice though. Getting help, feeling better, but the whole stigma with treatment doesn't sit so well with me. I don't want to go to treatment for an ''eating disorder''....or really any issue. I feel like treatment would just be bad...really bad. I think you called it @Justmehere I want to change, but I'm not willing to give up my life in order to change.

Wanting to stop and being ready to do whatever it takes to stop in order to SAVE YOUR LIFE are two different things.

@TimeToHeal I don't really know what I want...I thought I wanted to go to treatment, but the more I think about the more I realize I don't want to go.

I really think I can do this on my own. Tons of people do this on their own, I think I just need to stop bullshitting myself and distracting myself, and i just need to focus on getting better. I think by graduation if I don't purge I won't need treatment. :)