Supporter Need Some Advice

[Deleted member 26951]

Hi Everyone,

I am also new to this forum. Basic background, I love someone with ptsd. We have been friends since high school and found each other again 5 yrs ago thru social media. For years we have done this push pull routine, essentially denying how we feel despite not seeing each other in almost 27 years.

The last two months after both confessing how we truly feel about each other, the connection which exists. For the last two months, we have discussed planning a future, reminding each other how much we care and love one another etc. Then I went to see him last weekend, I felt it was time. Things were going well, we had some physical contact, hugging, kissing.

Since the beginning of May, he has been having headaches almost daily, I believe I should have seen this as a warning sign, he was beginning to shut down again. The evening ended early as the headache resurfaced. The next day, I called him to check on him, he was not himself and basically since that call, a week today we have had no communication whatsoever.

Given all that has transpired over the last couple of months, he would tell me I am his world etc…I thought we would be working together to deal with his ptsd and moving forward together, I am completely confused, sad and very lost with all of this. While I was at his place, I did "rifle" thru some of his personal papers while I was looking for a letter I had sent to him. I asked him for the letter, he told me it was his and I simply wanted to read it. He seemed very upset when I had done this, I immediately handed the pile back to him, I have apologized, I am not sure what else to do. Any advice is welcomed.

 

[bell]

Well, looking through his documents?! Um, probably not the wisest decision. Sorry, but PTSD makes our Spidey sense tingle very strongly and trust is usually a very big issue. Going through docs is a violation of trust.

However, if you have a strong bond, and have apologized sincerely, then he may just need some time away before he gets back to you. As us PTSDers need time to process things, a lot more time than most people in many cases.

Also, planning a future together quickly is something we like to do a lot, too, especially if we're not in therapy, as at first, when we meet someone and aren't in therapy, the newness of it all puts our "bad" symptoms at bay and makes us feel like we're not sick at all. And we think, "we're cured, it was only that I had to meet the right person, not that anything is wrong with me!" Well sadly, this is only temporary in most cases.

I'm not trying to be the bearer of (all) bad news, just to say what happens a lot. But, if he's in therapy, he can get the right skills he needs to moving forward in a positive manner with both his own life and his relationship with you. And that you didn't mention therapy at all makes me assume (although I know what they say about assumptions!) that he is not in therapy. And, at the very least, if he hasn't already, he needs to see someone about those headaches, as they could be a symptom of something more serious or just what happens when he is stressed, both things that need to be seen to.

 

[Deleted member 26951]

Thank you for your insight. I did sincerely apologize, the bond in my opinion is strong, it has been for many years, when we both have fought it originally. He is seeking therapy, he was having difficulty to find follow up care as very few specialize in ptsd here in Ontario, Canada. He knows he is damaged, and I know this and have accepted it as is. He is seeing a neurologist with respect to headaches but I suspect it is clearly related to the ptsd and until he is in active therapy, they may persist. I am trying not to give up, but, I must confess it is difficult.[DOUBLEPOST=1401110116,1401109949][/DOUBLEPOST]I forgot to mention, yes I emailed him 2 referrals who are highly recommended and specialize in ptsd, he was trying to find follow up care on his own, as his work failed to respond to his request etc..so, I took initiative the last couple of days, no matter what, his health and well being is priority, not how I feel.

 

[Justmehere]

How you feel is important part of the whole picture. It is not irrelevant and to view it as being all about his health and not your feelings is very co-dependent and unhealthy for a relationship for someone with PTSD.

Have you thought about counseling support for yourself?

 

[Deleted member 26951]

Have you thought about counseling support for yourself?

Thank you for the advice, I agree completely. Yes, I am looking into it. Thank you again.

 

[Justmehere]

PTSD is a difficult battle for suffers and supporters. Once he gets into therapy, things often get worse before they get better. Any human being who loves someone with PTSD needs their own support too. Heck, everyone has stuff, and therapy is a good place to get help resolving it.

I'm glad you are looking into it for yourself. Going to therapy yourself might help him feel less like the "damaged" one and more like a partner in working through things in your relationship and lives together.

It sounds like you are doing what you can to repair things and the ball is in his court. I hope you two are able to sort things out, and glad you are here on the forums!

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Your going to have to be strong. This is going to be a long battle, one that happens daily. Some days will be really good, and some days you will not know who he is, and sadly, neither will he.

I'd say if he hurts you physically to leave immediately. That's a nasty spiral that will shred you both alive. You crossed a major line when you went through those papers. You have to be careful with him, super gentle. He probably can't tell what is a threat and what isn't. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean he doesn't.

The emotional part of the brain fires 100 times faster then the thinking part. You touched his personal space, and his thoughts shut down. The instincts kicked on. Since the brain looks for things similar to how he feels, but in the past, he probably connected you to his past. His left brain(the part of morals and ethics) may shut down if he is no longer in reality.

Our memories can become so strong, so strong, that we partially, or totally forget where we are.

Assure him you love him, tell him you didn't mean to cross a line, and set up what you can, and cannot do with him and his stuff. Make boundaries explicitly clear, like ridiculously clear. If a airplane flies overhead it should be able to see his boundaries that clearly drawn.

For me, I have worked hard over my life to control my symptoms. He will need a lot of time to find who he is. Most people never figure it out. For us, in our heads at least, for me anyway, knowing enough about me determines a shitty arse wish I was dead kind of day, or a scream at the top of my lungs day of joy. He needs stability, and lots of it. It's kinda like being a child, mixed with a little bit of every mental illness known to man, and some known to aliens.

One day I have "ADD", or "ADHD", some days my counselor says I have autistic symptoms. Often times I have Depressive symptoms, and it is difficult to know which frame of mind I am. Get good at reading his body language, and study his moods, and his actions. Be patient, and above all loving.

Drop me a PM if you need me.

 

[intothelight]

@lost123 Welcome to the forum!:)

Pulling away from someone for a period of time is pretty common with PTSD. Sometimes it takes being alone to figure out what our feelings are and to sort through events to make sure that we are interpreting things correctly. However, the tendency to isolate is one of the hardest things for loved ones to deal with.

Take some time and read the threads in the Supporter's section as you will find some really good advice and also some support for yourself. Also, take some time to learn about boundaries as this is an important issue and should be a discussion you both have. In looking for the letter, you may have crossed one of his boundaries, so you need to know what they are.

Just from my personal perspective, I really don't want my husband to look at me as "damaged". I have PTSD, but I am a lot more than that and I want the people that love me to accept me for who I am and where I am at. No one gets through life unscathed and all of us are "damaged" by life, but it doesn't mean that a person is damaged goods. I hope that makes sense.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 26951]

You crossed a major line when you went through those papers. You have to be careful with him, super gentle. He probably can't tell what is a threat and what isn't. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean he doesn't.
Assure him you love him, tell him you didn't mean to cross a line, and set up what you can, and cannot do with him and his stuff.
.

Thank you so much for all the advice, you are correct I should not have gone through the papers, I have apologized but still no response, no messages etc. It has become difficult, as our relationship went from being "friends" to much more the last two months. Then of course I screw it up. We have discussed boundaries before, but not definitive ones, just general levels. He has opened up and trusted me completely, I violated that trust, no I am not sure he will forgive me for it. It reached a point last week I did ask him to delete me from his social media, I explained my heart would not allow me to do it.

He has not done so. I am just not sure what to do, if most say to just wait until he contacts me, which is very difficult in itself. The headaches not sleeping he is struggling with, I do hope he contacts the two referrals for follow up care which I emailed to him. I am not sure what else I can do, other than be patient.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

I'll probs delete my account.

WIth that being said you really can't blame yourself. You didn't know did you? He might not have known either.

 

[Deleted member 26951]

@lost123

Take some time and read the threads in the Supporter's section as you will find some really good advice and also some support for yourself. Also, take some time to learn about boundaries as this is an important issue and should be a discussion you both have. In looking for the letter, you may have crossed one of his boundaries, so you need to know what they are.

Hi Debbie,

Thank you for all of your insight and advice, it is very true you are so much more than the ptsd just as he is. I have on countless occasions tried to reassure him of this. One of my last text messages to him was "we are so much more than this…." I was wrong to go through the papers, I apologized but he seems right now unable to accept it. Perhaps I pushed to much when I also emailed him I was wrong to invade his personal space and then tried to justify my behaviour indicating "I simply rifled through the papers and when I saw nothing similar to letter I just moved on." You are so correct, it is not communicating and isolating themselves I struggle with. For the last two months we have spoken daily despite our crazy schedules and now it has been a week, no communication whatsoever. I reached a level of sadness last week where I asked him to delete me from his social media, I know that would not solve the problem, but the pain and hurt is overwhelming at times.[DOUBLEPOST=1401189524,1401189458][/DOUBLEPOST]

I'll probs delete my account.
You didn't know did you? .

No, I did not know..Why are you deleting your account? How do I send you a pm?