Contract With Therapist...

[xena21]

Hi all....I just got out of the hospital because of my most recent self injury. I am trying to move forward, but it seems like I always take 2 steps back. I'm the type that doesn't trust anyone to stay very long. They leave as quick as they come. That's been the MO.

The problem is, my new therapist seems very assertive in her connectedness to me. She is a Psychiatrist at a well know hospital and I know she is putting herself out there for me. That has NEVER happened before. I feel so guilty because I want to be better for her now. I want to do the right things. It is so much easier when they ditch you, which is what usually happens when I go to the hospital.

I don't understand now how to act. I am such a misfit. She is such a good person expecting good things every day. Maybe she really isn't expecting good things, but I am. I always feel guilty. She wants me to sign a contract with her not to threaten to kill myself during our therapy. Thats the biggest hurdle. Beyond that she, wants me to progress slowly and doesn't expect me to move very far quickly...particularly in terms of self harm.

Do people have this relationship with their therapist? I like her a lot. She is just all truth and no filter. That's the way I want it. Can anyone relate?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you have found a good Psychiatrist! Be sure to hold on to her, as a good one can be hard to find! I've had mine for almost 5 years now and fear the day that I have to move on and find another doctor.

In terms of the guilt, can you use self talk to help minimize these guilty feelings? Perhaps you could even tell her and discuss your feelings of guilt so that you can work through these feelings.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What makes you think she is putting herself out there for you? What contactness?

Not saying it's a bad thing. It doesn't sound bad at all! I am just curious.

 

[xena21]

Be sure to hold on to her, as a good one can be hard to find

Thanks Solara! I felt like she was worth it. I am definitely someone who expects people to run away from me. She is different. Not only is she a Psychiatrist at the hospital, but she is doing therapy which is very odd.

I think I'm usually the one that initiates the running away. I'm just trying to make sense of everything. Thanks.[DOUBLEPOST=1401492557,1401492299][/DOUBLEPOST]

What makes you think she is putting herself out there for you? What contactness?

You are right Ayesha, I don't know exactly, but she is one Dr that hasn't left me. Since the last 3 years, I have had doctor after doctor leave. I guess being in a State run Hospital does that to you.

I was going to leave her out of fear. Kind of stupid you know? I figured she'd leave sooner or later so I'd leave first. I don't want her to leave but I expect it.

I hope to eventually gather some confidence.

 

[ghotiff]

She wants me to sign a contract with her not to threaten to kill myself during our therapy

I'm interested to know what this means. My T wants me to discuss my suicidal thoughts with her (my first T wanted to ignore it). I like being able to discuss it, it actually seems to reduce it for me and for the first time I feel heard.

 

[joeylittle]

I have a safety contract with mine. I am required to call him before taking any potentially lethal action against myself. He's comfortable with that I think because he has so much experience in crisis work, and because I'm very much bound by my word, in anything.

We arrived at the need for the contract, it wasn't up-front.

I think there's a difference between threatening suicide and talking about suicide. You might want to ask her more specifically for examples. But also, I can say that having my contract makes me really safe - because I do NOT want to make that phone call to tell him I'm ready to end my life. I have only done it once, and I never want to do it again.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @joeylittle ...that makes sense.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess I'm not one to speak on it, except for the suicidality part, because I don't have a T. But I've heard those contracts are common?

I couldn't see that working for me, but yet the only person that helped me, well it occurred to me one day I wouldn't want someone thinking that, wondering if I would, and worse yet if they were kind-hearted enough to help then they might think they did/didn't do enough or something 'wrong' or doubt themself, though they were doing it as part of their job, though over-and-above, but 'what if?'. Plus my own pride, I didn't want to be 'viewed' as suicidal even if I was, I just wanted to be seen as normal. Even telling about it made me feel like quite a 'freak'.

But in another way it was good because "others' " (their feelings, well-being etc) are a better motivator for me more than for myself. And 'care of self' doesn't really arise when suicidal. Though I have to admit it added in the reality (problem) that to carry through with it it would be against my word but also have to be that they wouldn't know about it (ever). At the end of the day I'm still here though (obviously). Sometimes I hated them for being so kind, it would have been easier if they had told me to 'take a hike'. :(

I think now if I was that desperate in the moment I 'could' call, simply because the subject ('secret') has been broached. I don't know if I could, but I'd hope they wouldn't be angry if I did.

So all-in-all I think you are doing very well, brave thing to do @xena21 . :tup: :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

My T and I have a verbal agreement that I will tell her about any suicidal thoughts I have and not act on them, and if I feel like I can't stop myself, she and I will help me get to a hospital until I can stop. I fear the hospital greatly, but this plan works for me. It makes me feel like I always have an option.

 

[NovemberStar]

I don't have any contract with my T..... but it's got me thinking about what she would do if I acted out. It doesn't bear thinking about, actually. The intense SHAME stops vast majority of my self harm urges; the ones I do indulge in are very minor. It's the thought of going too far and requiring medical attention that shames me into not acting out. Thankfully. Because it solves NOTHING. But it sure would add a whole lot more baggage to be dealt with!

 

[xena21]

I think there's a difference between threatening suicide and talking about suicide.

Definitely a difference between the two. I know my therapist means "threatening suicide". I could talk to her about my suicidal thoughts if it came up. She just wants to hear what I'm really thinking about. She doesn't want me attempting to kill myself or threatening it on a weekly basis, because then it would get in the way of us actually doing trauma work.

As it is, I have never trusted someone in a position like hers like I do now. She is very up front and direct, which is geared toward me. I like people with no filter when it comes to letting me know how I'm progressing or what I need to do to get on track. I don't like the ones that sit back and just listen and nod without any input. I have no time for that. I am paying for advice so I expect it.

 

[judster]

After a really low week.. just today, with my mentor/friend, I had to 'promise' (verbal) that I buy anything to self harm with. Tomorrow, I see my counselor. Wonder how that will go! Oy