One Okay Day Is Not Enough

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yesterday was an okay day. There were no major triggers only small ones. Of course I spent most of the day in the house and it was a pretty quiet day inside with lengthy naps for the boys. It was the first okay day after 5 not so great days. That seems to be the cycle- several bad days, one okay day. I know that isn't so strange when dealing with PTSD, but it's so irritating.

Today should have been a good day, but so many things bothered me. It was finally hot out, but I was dressed in long pants and long sleeves mainly because I don't want anyone to see my arms or ask questions as to why the are bandaged. I especially didn't want this since I was with my parents. I drove an hour with the boys by myself each way. There was a loud horn that honked by where we were eating ice cream and not too long after there was a helicopter overhead. Both of those things sent me wanting to curl up, but I don't want people to know how much ordinary things affect me so I held all the panic in. By the time I got home I just wanted to curl up and hide. But then I noticed that the new mailbox had been changed and it didn't look right and I got paranoid (it's too complicated to explain). I wanted my husband to just take over and let me be free to hide away, but he didn't. I know he has a hard time knowing what to do to help so I should have asked, but I have just as hard a time asking as he does figuring out what to offer.

I don't want to spiral down again. I want to stay at okay for at least a couple of days. Maybe someday I will know that again.

 

[macbeth]

but I don't want people to know how much ordinary things affect me so I held all the panic in

I think if you asked anyone on this forum you'd probably find that we all have triggers that set us off that are just everyday sounds to those without ptsd. Some of my triggers are cars, knocks at my door and the phone ringing. I makes life very difficult. I have found that medication has helped but I'm far from cured. I get paranoid too if something is out of place or not as I remember leaving it. Do you take any medication @JEKBreatheandBelieve? You are certainly not alone, I know I've had days where the world outside my home has been too much to face. I hope you can have more good days this week.:)Hugs to you if you want them.

 

[Fadeaway]

I hear you. I say this all the time. I need more good days to override the bad. I hate that things that shouldn't bother me do. I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel better, I want to feel happy and free. I want to live life instead of just survive life.

 

[shimmerz]

It is so true. I find it very disheartening when I feel like I have been okay and then all the sudden I am not. I so feel for you @JEKBreatheandBelieve . I get the mailbox thing, the things out of place, can almost piece together some of what has happened to you based on just that post. I bet you are doing a better job than you are giving yourself credit for.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you take any medication?

No, I do not take any medication. Every time from the very first time my therapist brought it up, it sends me into a major panic attack. Even though logically I know it might help, I cannot consider it at this time.

I want to feel better, I want to feel happy and free. I want to live life instead of just survive life.

That is exactly how I feel. I want to live and not just survive. Right now it's the surviving okay days that get me through but actual good days when I feel happy are almost non-existent.

Thanks to you both for you support. It does help to know that I am not the only one in the world that reacts to seemingly everyday things.[DOUBLEPOST=1401711557,1401711294][/DOUBLEPOST]

I get the mailbox thing, the things out of place, can almost piece together some of what has happened to you based on just that post. I bet you are doing a better job than you are giving yourself credit for.

I actually put a letter to be mailed in the mailbox this morning, which was pretty brave, but it still bothers me. I am so paranoid that the mailbox issue will become something more.

I probably am doing a better job than I think I am, but sometimes that's part of the problem. Sometimes I'd like to be able to "freak out" in the moment, but that would bring on so many other issues to deal with so instead I hold it all in until it overwhelms me completely. Thanks for your support.

 

[shimmerz]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve you are right, that is extremely brave. I know, I have my own set of issues around mailboxes and post offices etc - even issues with looking at mail. |t takes so little to take me back into that zone. If nobody else is there to do so, I am patting you on the back....I know what it takes.

 

[desiderata310]

I get this. I actually had a decent day yesterday! I went on a ride, 'socialized' and didn't have any triggers. I got home and started feeling sick and got majorly triggered and suddenly remembered that I had PTSD again. It was nice to feel like a normal person for a while and forget. Problem is, it's not enough to occasionally forget.

 

[Fadeaway]

No you are not alone, what you have said makes so much sense. My Dr. hates it when I argue about medications. I am on them, but I am super picky about what I am willing to try. I won't touch anything that might alter my state of mind except for my ambein. I have fought tooth and nail against the Prazosin and the Hydroxyzine that I finally relented too, even though they help. My Dr. said she would rather have someone who fights against medications that a drug seeker.

There are days I hate being out in public because I so selfconscious about freaking out in public. I just want to hurry up and get home so that I can with out fear of weird looks from people. If i was gone for a long time, I am a shaken sodapop ready to burst.

@shimmerz, I have such issues with checking the mail it is pathetic. I go weeks without checking the mail.

 

[shimmerz]

I am a shaken sodapop ready to burst.

This is such a great description of how it feels! TY!

@Fadeaway, I get it and it feels pathetic but I have to say, the will involved in doing these things, if I were to see it in someone else, like you, I wouldn't use the word pathetic. For me? That is another matter. I really do have to change my self talk. :unsure:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I tried explaining my weekend and these feelings to my therapist today. I was crying while talking. This was amazing to me because 1) I don't usually talk about anything important especially so clearly, and 2) I usually fight crying. I think reading everyone's responses really helped me so thanks again.