Sexual Assault I Think I May Have Been Molested As A Child

[Jamiee96]

I think I may have been molested as a young child but I am not exactly sure, I am still a teenager and I have searched around about this problem and it says that as you age into adulthood you may start remembering things from a past trauma but I am 16 years old and I don't know if memory of any abuse would come back at this age. I know it would be different from person to person that's why I am questioning all of this.

I am going to list some of the things I view as quite suspicious going on from when I was young up till now.

1) I was interested in sex at a very young age. For example, making my 'dolls' have sex, thinking of having sex with friends, wanting to sleep naked all the time, masturbation at a young age etc. (I know this is weird and this started when I was like 6)
2) I became unemotional and detached from family members, I stopped them hugging me/kissing me and I say unemotional as I still am now, I never really cry unless it's from anger and that is extremely rare for me. When my cat died my brother was crying and I started laughing. This was around the age of 6 as well.
3) I started dressing rather provocatively at a young age, wanting to wear shorter clothes etc.
4) When boys started 'touching' me as I grew older 12-14, I always got really nervous but felt like I couldn't tell them to stop.
5) I have been abused sexually/physically 2 times as a teen and it is said if you have been abused once you often attract the same type of people 'abusers', so I was curious of this. I was also in an abusive relationship less than a year ago.
6) I used to see men in my room at night, towering over my bed.
7) I can't read books with rape/abuse in them as I get angry and aggressive with myself.
8) I don't know if this will have to do with anything but losing my virginity was not painful whatsoever
9) I have never felt strong 'love' towards anyone, not even my parents (I know that is bad to say)
10) I don't seem to let people from my childhood hug me or touch me still to this day but people I have met in my teens can.
11) I collapse when I panic or am in pain (this could've happened if I was molested?)
12) I have strong fears of lanes, dark and groups of men as I think I'm in trouble.
13) I have a repetitive dream of 3 men cornering me and screaming into my face and I always wake up and the same point of this dream (I am not going to go into full detail of it)
14) I repetitively have to check inside my wardrobe as I think someone is hidden in there watching me.

I know some people may say go to a counsellor but I had have had a few counsellors (some at school and some outside school) after helping me with self-harm and suicidal ideation, this was around the time of the first sexual harassment that I am aware of but I feel like something else has happened, something much worse than what the boy did to me at school. I feel like I took the situation worse the first time because something was telling me in the back of my head that something worse had happened.

I don't think that harassment was it and especially with the way I acted before this incident even happened.

Can anyone help? I am worried about going to a counsellor again because I really don't want my parents finding out about this again, all my mother did was cry last time I went counselling and I don't think she will appreciate taking me for something that might have not even happened anyway. She had brought up before maybe I was sexually abused as a child because I stopped hugging her and all that very young but when I said I don't remember anything she said it didn't matter then because I would remember if something that bad happened. But now I realise that's not the case.

Any help, please?

 

[PitbullLOVE]

I'm afraid I can't help you because I don't know much about the subject, but just wanted to send you some (((HUGS))) and tell you you may want to see a psychologist or someone more experienced if your therapist does not seem like s/he is not being of much help, and bring this list to him/her and share it with him/her.

 

[Lucycat]

1) I was interested in sex at a very young age. For example, making my 'dolls' have sex, thinking of having sex with friends, wanting to sleep naked all the time, masturbation at a young age etc. (I know this is weird and this started when I was like 6)

Hi Jamiee. Of course I do not know if you were abused or not. However I do want to reassure you that masturbation at a young age is incredibly common. I mean like 2 years old or even younger. We do not tend to call it masturbation - but 'self stimulatory behaviour' but it really is the same thing. So please don't think you are at all abnormal in that respect.

However I do acknowledge that such an early interest in sex and playing sex with your dolls is a bit unusual at that age. I guess it depends on your sex education and when (and how) you first learned about sex. I don't think at 6 I would have known. However I do recall that I knew at a younger age than my friend because I had seen animals mating and asked questions.

As the subject is bothering you so much, I do think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist again. Just discussing all the points that you have made here would be helpful, and it is your life, not your Mother's. I am sure she would want the best for you, rather than think you are protecting her and not getting help because of it.

 

[contaminated]

Honey I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had all of those fears and I did all those too. I also wet the bed until I was 7.
I was molested, but there is a good chance you weren't. I had feelings from when I was 12 to 17 that I was abused and it turned out I was. But as I've said before, you quite possibly weren't. Have you seen a therapist about this? They would probably help you.
Usually when you start talking and thinking more about your feelings it can turn into memories. I would advise you to see a therapist and possibly get on medication. I should have done that, instead I suffered alone which was a bad idea.

*Hugs* I'm very sorry about you feeling this way. I understand how scary it is.

Please take care. Don't hesitate to message me if you need a friend.